Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

so why is it you dont have indsight to your family finances and budget? All of the bills all of your husbands outgoings? You dont answer? Other than you are crap with money- doesnt seem like your h is much better?

Yes blackcat86 I do feel very anxious and stuck in between my parents and DH, and I think the lack of control has continued to contribute to the anxiety that I have. You are right - I do feel beholden to a lot of people in my life and I think that I didn't ever expect to be like this at nearly aged 40.

Jesus. I don't think anyone merrily runs off to get an abortion...Just as you would like people to be considerate of what you have been through please remember that you don't know what others have been through either.

No, I don't have any idea of who you are Rubicon80 but then you don't actually know anything about me, apart from what I have written here.

Maybe I don't feel very in control of much in my life and I am not doing anything well/better to control the things that happen unexpectedly. Having a lot of unexpected things that happen is life of course, but I am.trying my best to get some control over what I can - perhaps it isn't what you would do but until you have walked in someone's shoes, how do you know that is how you would react?

What on earth makes you think that I haven't dealt with extreme health issues, poverty, or unplanned pregnancy? Or life being out of control?

Rather than lashing out at those posters who say things you don't want to hear, maybe consider that we do know exactly what we are talking about.

@kmammamalto Jesus. I don't think anyone merrily runs off to get an abortion...Just as you would like people to be considerate of what you have been through please remember that you don't know what others have been through either.

100% this.

Honestly, your parents already provided so much for the children that do exist that having another this needing more money is CF.

If you want to keep the baby which it sounds like you do- you need to work out a way to afford it e.g. returning to work. There are so many mumsnetters who can help with this.

OP, I feel really sorry for you.

Rubicon, I don't know how you thought the OP was saying her PIL should sell their house to provide for her, she was pointing out her DH seems to think her parents are a bottomless pit while his parents must be paid back every penny of loans as they are not well off. He doesn't think the same applies to her parents, and then she was musing - if they are really as badly off for money as her DH seems to believe, perhaps they could release equity.

She obviously feels terrible about taking any money from anyone, including her own DH.

OP, it's your body, your choice. The more you say the more I think your DH is an absolute vile man. I'm delighted your parents gave you money for a car that would be more suitable for your DS but I'm shocked your 'D'H takes it away for half the week.

Cleopatrai the OP's DH has enough money to provide for OP and their children, he just is refusing to, and pressuring her to get an abortion while refusing to get a vasectomy.

Thank you Apileofballyhoo. I honestly don't know what to do any more. I do feel terrible taking money off my parents and it would be taking the P really to expect them to help me out for a child just because they have been so generous in the past.

I disagree with you a bit about my DH... I think he is just trying his best in a very hard situation. I do agree with you though that it isn't great that he drives off in his nice car and leaves me with my old banger but we do have use of it during the rest of the time he is here.

I honestly don't know why you don't have two equal cars. Please show your DM this thread. I believe your parents are trying to support you as best they can. They might be afraid of criticising your DH because they are afraid they will alienate you.

Maybe they are afraid splitting up with your DH would be terrible for your mental health. Maybe he puts on a very good show of being kind and caring. Maybe he is kind and caring as long as it doesn't cost him money. Unlike your parents, who don't mind looking out for you and their DGC. They're obviously trying to make your life easier, but it seems to me your DH makes your life harder.

You are on your own half the week with a 15 month old, an older child and quite serious health problems.
I think your DM is probably more worried about the effect on your health and ability to cope with another baby than the money.
PS the cash your parents are giving you is funding your DH car loan and the money he gives his mum for food. His car is an expensive waste of money, you could drop him at Norwich or Kings Lynn station and he could get the train to his parents instead.

At a minimum, how about getting Dh to transfer ownership of his car (costing £300pm) to your parents (giving £300pm), who can let you drive it. Especially as it was chosen for your DS who is with you full time while your DH goes home to stay with mummy

At least they'd be getting something for their money then!

I was going to suggest you drop your DH to his Mum's. I'm sure he doesn't need the car when there. How long is the journey?

I honestly can't understand why someone with serious physical and mental problems actually wants to add a baby into an already difficult situation?

The abortion act was originally intended to help mothers going through problems like yours rather that as a social convenience.

Instead of thinking about what abortion means to you on an emotional level, what about your other children? Your DH? Your family as a whole? Your physical and mental health?

If you had the baby, you would cope because somehow everyone does, but would you actually feel happy about the constant stress of money, health, emotion and just plain exhaustion?

OP, I'm feeling so sad for you. I get that you don't feel up to properly challenging him and taking the bull by the horns with your finances. But you must do. You are in a very unfair situation. He is gadding about in his comfortable middle class world, keeping up appearances with his swanky car. You however, are kept in poverty and financial ignorance and reliant on your parents. You have a big decision to make and you have got to deal with this. I don't think it is true that you cannot afford another child. I think you potentially could if your DH made some sacrifices. But he isn't willing to, is he? He is not working with you as a team. He is keeping you where you belong, at home, dependent, and caring for his house and kids, whilst never asking him for anything. This is totally shit for you.

I was gobsmacked when you said your parents paid his car deposit of £2grand. Bloody hell! Why doesn't HE take the old banger to drive to his parents? Because he likes the luxury and comfort of the new car, and fuck you.

You can totally end the loan agreement early by getting the dealer to take back the car, and give you a value for it which should exceed the loan outstanding, and if it doesn't then trade it in for a second hand cheaper model. But that wouldn't fit his middle class image, comfort, convenience ice and liking for outward status would it?

He doesn't even need a car. Drop him at the station to get the train to his mums.

Op it's now been 8 days since you started this thread 8 more days into this pregnancy how are you going to come to a decision?

OP, I am sorry that you have struggled with these massive health issues and are now faced with this decision.

May I ask how your head was injured? Was DM your main caregiver (and DD’s) during your recovery? Was DH helpful and supportive? How much parenting/family responsibility does he take on now?

How much does your dystonia impact your caregiving of DS?

Having to pay his parents £120 a month while yours give you money is nuts.

I feel so sorry for you @NooNooHead and think it is time you got some prompt financial advice, whatever you decide to do about the pregnancy.

Thank you MsDogLady..

My head injury was self inflicted and totally avoidable to be honest. I banged the top of my head walking up a ladder to a wooden children's play area whilst I was filming my DD on my phone

My dyskinesia is much better now but during my head injury and post concussion syndrome, I had the most horrendous cognitive and physical symptoms that felt like I had dementia. I ended up with severe anxiety and insomnia and literally didn't sleep for a week.

My DM helped out quite a lot during this time, and my DH was really supportive too. I was lucky to not end up in hospital to be honest.

I can look after my DC ok with my TD but it was awful when it first emerged. As it is a rare iatrogenic (drug induced) neurological condition, unfortunately not many doctors come across it. I self diagnosed the condition and literally had to convince my family and GP that I had it. Only after seeing 5 different neurologists did one finally say yes, your lip smacking, grimacing, arm raising, and other dystonia is all to do with your movement disorder.

Please don't say your injury was self inflicted, that sounds like you did it purposefully in a fit of rage or something! It was an accident, with very far reaching consequences for you clearly.

Figgygal my decision will have to be made by me actually being totally honest with myself and asking how it will truly impact upon my family, both long and short term with either outcome. Time is running out and this will probably impact on my decision too.