Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

My parents gifted my DH the money for the car as they saw we needed a new bigger car when my DS was born. To be fair, my DH didn't need such a luxury car- he felt he wanted a reliable well built one as he was driving back and forth to Herts twice a week and didn't want something that was more likely to break down etc.

My heart breaks for you

From reading everything I feel like you would be better off on your own with your children , you are a stay at home mum living off of peanuts (child benefit) , your husband is threatening divorce , you are being controlled by everyone around you financially and emotionally, it's no wonder you feel like shit.

Keep your baby and F them all off, be free, you will gain your independence again, and have 3 wonderful children! Also money will be better , there is support out there for you OP!
Claim benefits as a single mother and you will get housing help, part time nursery, and living money for two children plus yourself , it won't have to be forever but it will help you get back on your feet. You do that you will feel so much stronger, and then hopefully you will be well enough to go back to work doing what you love.

It's such a hard decision but it is your body , your baby and your life. If you want to go through with the pregnancy Youl have to make some changes but it will all be worth it because you won't live with potential regrets x

I have always continued to contribute money into the shared account for food etc but o let my DH take control of the finances as I am terrible at budgeting etc and don't trust myself to be savvy enough when it comes to important financial decisions etc.

So he doesn’t feel a sense of duty towards your mum who lent him £2k for HIS car ( not your joint car).

“Our outward appearances would seem to be comfortable and ok: 4 bed detached house, two beautiful DC, two cars... it makes me feel so useless that I can't even organise my life enough to get by to find money to eat”

It’s not your lack of organisation, I think you are being abused. The point of abuse is control, and you are certainly being controlled by your Dh and to lesser extent ( I think ) by your parents.

Did you read the links I Posted upthread? Did you relate to any of it?

I didnt mean you should take over responsibilities for your finanses, but something dont add up, and as a grown up, you should see all in and outgoings for your family. But it seems as you refuse to, and you sound immature when saying you are crap with money. He sure is too!! So, why wont you get a clear picture of ypur finanses? He wont let you?

Thank you midnightmystery - yes I do feel like utter shit. Even my best friend told me to stop being so introspective and focussing on myself yesterday- she said that she was going to tell me what was going on in her life and that everyone has shit going on. I wanted to tell her where to go.

It's not just all about money though is it?! For what it's worth in regards to money i don't think you can afford a third child looking beyond a year.
But what about your existing children?! You're talking alot about what you've been through and while I sympathise, I can't help thinking about your eldest who has been through it all too. And then a new baby...
I'm really sorry OP but you need to see a counsellor as you are coming across selfish but you need to work through all your feelings so you can focus on being present and positive in your childrens lives. Kids are so perceptive there's no way it's not affecting them too.
All the best

It is very difficult to make a decision in your situation. The only thing I would add is that you should try to consider the potential impact on your health and well being of having the baby. You seem to be considering how you would struggle to cope if you terminated more than considering how you would cope with an additional child (not just financially). I also think you need to give consideration to your DH's position given his age. Having said that I do think PPs are being unkind to be so critical of you relying on financial help from your parents. As an older person (no GC yet) I would never want to see my DC's or their families struggling if I could afford to help them, even if I did not agree with their decisions.

I know that I need to be considering how it might be if I had another child. Of course, my DH isn't getting younger and my oldest is very astute - I am sure she can pick up on my mood today. I am very concerned about effect on her, and that it would be detrimental for her well being to have another one, especially as,I have less time for her now even with one other child.

@NooNooHead Go for therapy- I think that's a good plan. It can be very hard to come to terms with an illness, and an injury can cause depression in and of itself.

I do think there's something going awry with the finances though. I suppose if someone's brought up in extreme comfort or something they might find it hard to live with a change in their standard of living, but most people manage to live more within their means than this.

Maybe you lack confidence and that's why you don't feel able to budget? :/ Once you sat down and did it, it might well be ok. If need be, I'm sure your parents would be happy to sit down with you and work a budget out :)

It might be worth you both seeing someone at the bank about your finances- they might be able to help you work it out. The two of you can do it- virtually everyone else does after all :)

Interestedwoman yes, the counselling would help a lot. I did have some psychotherapy after my head injury and breakdown but it was a while ago now, so maybe I need to revisit that again.

I was very fortunate to be brought up in a comfortable middle class home, with two working professionals who gave me a brilliant childhood and I was extremely fortunate. I know that if I hadn't been adopted then I certainly would never have been given so many opportunities that I had.

Your DH is not kind and loving. I don't know why you can't see this. A kind and loving man would put you first, not his car. He wouldn't get a vasectomy, didn't wear a condom. He doesn't care that you feel ashamed taking money from your parents, and ensures that his own parent gets paid back. He doesn't think your day to day living expenses are his responsibility even though you care for his children while he works. He drives a luxurious car and you drive a banger. I'll bet he has a nice phone and good clothes. Does he have hobbies? Does he do his share of parenting and housework?

I'm not surprised your parents are wondering if having another baby with this man is the right thing for you. I'm wondering myself, but it's got nothing to do with family finances and everything to do with him being a selfish prick. And nobody, I repeat, nobody has the right to tell you what to do with your body.

His parents live in a house worth £800k - probably twice as much as my parents house is worth - yet they are not wanting to sell it and get some of the equity back.

Sorry, what on earth do you think means you can criticise his parents for not wanting to sell their own home just because, between the two of you, you won't sort out your finances to support your own children?

Entitled much!??!

And how many overnights in his mother's does he have? More time when he's off on a jolly and you're at home with the DC. Why does he eat there so often? 3 nights a week? None of this makes any sense whatsoever.

No, I did not mean that in an entitled way. Even my DM has said that if my in-laws are struggling for money yet live in a large house, they could downsize to get some money to be more comfortable. I am NOT implying they should sell it to help me - I meant it so that they can be more comfortable themselves .

Rubicon you've missed the point - OP's DH is happy to take money from her parents without paying it back and insists on paying back his own, even though his parents seem equally well off or possibly more well off to her.

He stays at his parents because he has to be nearer to a Met line train for his commute to work from Wed to Fri. So he is living there 3 days a week, and has been since we moved to the East coast in 2015.

I am certainly not that entitled to be expecting people to sell houses in order to fund my life and children. I find that this thread is making me feel quite despondent. Thank you to those who have been helpful and kind so far.

Your DM seems lovely, caring and supportive, OP. I'm sure she wants the absolute best for you. Please show her the thread.

@Apileofballyhoo No, I haven't missed the point. I've read every single post on this thread. The OP and her husband are grown adults. They should be supporting themselves.

I understand that circumstances change and that people end up unable to support their existing families through no fault of their own, and it's understandable to take support from family/friends in those circumstances.

However, getting pregnant (not even by accident) when you are already reliant on constantly taking money from your elderly parents to support your existing family, and then acting all victimised and saying how awful and unfair everyone else is for not being over-the-moon delighted about it, is a totally different thing.

That takes it from 'anyone could end up in that situation' to 'taking the piss' territory, quite blatantly.

It is outrageous for the OP to be suggesting that her in-laws should 'downsize' i.e. sell their own home in order to give even more money to her family (let's be real here, rather than disingenuous) and the whole thing leaves a really sour taste in the mouth - particularly when deliberately twisting things others have said and blaming everyone else, from her friends to her late brother, for being unfair.

It seems to me you were managing your finances fine before you got married by the way. You had your own mortgage.

Rubicon80 I am not 'twisting' anything, I am stating facts. You try going through recovering from a head injury and then post concussion syndrome for a year, before getting an involuntary movement disorder brought on by medication meant to help you which means you can't control your facial muscles, you grimace and pull odd facial expressions, you are socially embarrassed by it, but have to carry on continuing with being the best mum and wife you can despite being mentally and physically very unwell. I didn't ASK to have those things happen to me. I didn't ASK for my brother to die of bowel cancer. I didn't ASK to have an ectopic pregnancy then have surgery and then lose my job.

But it all happened and I am just trying to get through something else thr best I can. Sorry that we can't all be healthy and perfect like you.

I would suggest that you come across as anxious rather than selfish. How does your DH feel about relying so heavily on parental support? I would expect him to be open to other options regardless of the baby. It sounds like you've been pasted in to a life you cant really afford. The big house and luxury car are lovely but there are big running and maintenance cost to living beyond your means. This is what I would focus on. I also think counselling would be helpful to help with your anxiety and lack of self esteem. Perhaps you would feel more empowered to take control rather than being beholden to others in your life. Also being stuck between your parents and DH is horrible. We had this for a time having agreed to what seemed like a great financial arrangement with my DPs which became a massive gilded cage with me left in the middle.

I don't expect everyone to be over the moon about it, nor carry on continuing with financial support for another child. The situation I am in is mine and my DH's to sort out but of course it affects others a lot too, and I am trying to look at all angles here. Just because one person can go off merrily to get an abortion doesn't mean that everyone one else might be able to.

OP. I honestly think that regardless of what you do about this pregnancy, you will be better off without the DH.

Please understand that I'm coming at this from someone who was taken advantage of financially while I was too sick to look after money myself. Whether he is a good man looking after you while you're ill or someone taking advantage is not necessarily either/or.

When you are first getting used to your new normal, you feel you need help with everything. Over time, you will realise this isn't true and you can actually be happier alone and in control of your own life.