Feeling pressured into an abortion I don't want by DH and family

[NooNooHead]

I am nearly 6 weeks pregnant with my DC3 that was unplanned. We have two wonderful DC, a DD who is 8 and my DS who is 15months.

My family has said they want me to get an abortion as we can't afford another child, that I won't cope with another, it isn't fair on my current DC, or the rest of the family who might have to support me. My DM told me to stop being self indulgent and think of the bigger picture, our tight financial situation etc.
So I guess I will be phoning the clinic tomorrow.

I just feel like I am being coerced and controlled by my family and there is nothing I can say or do. All the points that they make are valid but it doesn't make me feel any easier about the decision. My mum said to me earlier 'don't hate me for this'...

I understand all of their points and I know they are valid reasons for ending the pregnancy. I would also feel very selfish if I carried on and that my family probably wouldn't support me much.

I just feel so sad and conflicted with what I should do.

BendyLikeBeckham I know what you are saying, but I have to think of the other people who support me as I would be left high and dry financially without them as a support network. As Caledoniahasmyheartforever said, having to rely on your parents as an adult to pay for things after an illness is very hard when you have been used to the independence. I have adapted to having a brain that doesn't work quite as well as it used to, but it took a long time and my confidence was affected by it a lot. Of course, it didn't stop me from getting on with life but until you have had a brain injury or neurological condition, unfortunately people can't always empathise about it as well.

OP if I was your Mum shelling out £300/400 per month to my adult daughter whose DH works F/T , I would be asking a lot of questions ! Do your DPs not ask why you are continually so dependent on them ? Also , are you sure you really need 2 cars ? Unless you live in the middle of nowhere there are such things as trains and buses .

But OP, you might not NEED to rely on your parents if you sort out your finances properly!

Also, they aren't going to cut you out of their lives if you have another child, as much as they are pressuring you now.

The key to your dilemma is getting access to your full household finances including everything your DH brings in and spends. Sitting down with him and going through it all, getting advice here on financial savings, and working out what you can afford to change/cut back on.

Please stop just taking as gospel what your DH says.

And fgs when this is all sorted, make him bag it up in future. He doesn't get to play roulette with your body for his own pleasure.

If he refuses either of the above actions, then you have a bigger problem than just an unplanned pregnancy.

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you've got to take control of the situation and stop letting everybody else influence your decisions.

FWIW I can empathise with you, as I've had a similar dilemma (but different circs).

My DH gives his mum £40 'rent money' each month to cover the cost of eating there 3 times a week, plus he is giving her around £100 back each month to pay her for some money she lent us for a new front door. To be fair, I have always been quite bad with money, not great at budgeting, and it was even a struggle when I did used to earn my own decent salary. When I was earning £1400 each month, I lived on my own in my own flat, then we both sold our flats to buy a bigger flat. We then sold that 5 years ago to move to a cheaper area (Norfolk)and then I was doing freelance work getting up to £800 each month.

once my DH has put his share of the money

There's your problem right there. Your DH has a £300 a month car and his wife and children don't have enough to eat so have to ask other people for money. Does he have a fancy phone too? Why are you living in poverty when he has such a good car? Why did he have to borrow money from his mother when he has such an expensive car? Why is he giving her money towards rent if she had enough to loan you money?

Please ask your DM what she thinks of your DH having an expensive car when you're borrowing money from your parents for food.

I can't understand why you describe your DH's transfer of money as his share. You're a family, you're married, he is the father of the children, but he only contributes a "share". This is bizarre.

Your husband is paying his mother money for meals while your parents are buying food for him and paying for his car!!!!

That sounds very odd indeed.

@Apileofballyhoo OP please listen to what this PP says.

£100 a month to his parents for a loan: was this a gold plated front door? If it were me, I would accept a reduced payment in return for a grandchild! What other debts could be restructured?

Stop with this his money (FT London salary) and mine and the DCs money (abject poverty) business. Tell him this disparity ends now. Are you afraid to?

Never mind how bad you think you have been with money in the past, get this sorted now! You know little snippets about your finances, but you haven't got the whole picture. You have surrendered financial control to your DH (and to some extent your parents, though they are also being duped by him I imagine).

You are about to make a life changing and heart wrenching decision (either way) based on only what your DH and parents have told you about your family finances. I cannot say enough: get all the information for yourself. Get the bank statements and bills for the past 12 months. At least. Go to citizens advice if you need to. Sit down with DH or a CAB advisor or a friend, or use MN and go through everything. If it comes down to a choice between a fancy car/gym/hobby for DH, or a child, which choice would you be happiest living with?

I say this not because I think you should choose to keep or end the pregnancy, but because a) you clearly want to keep the pregnancy, b) you are basing a big decision on potentially false information, and c) you are likely being coerced and controlled. I am pro choice btw.

Do you have a shared bank account? Do you have access to his salary at all?
It looks to me he is spending like he is single...

Olga has a point. Effectively your parents are putting money in so you and the dcs can eat, while your H is taking some of that money out and giving it to his mother for his meals.

Effectively your parents are paying your H's mother to feed your H.

If you receive DLA for your DC , have you applied for Carer’s Allowance ?

£100 repayments for a front door when you can't afford to eat is ludicrous! Surely his Mum would understand if he reduced/suspended the loan repayments for a while?

Food is an absolute essential and your DH must be pretty dim if he can't see that the basics need to come first. As for the car loan, that's unbelievable.

In short, your circumstances have changed and you both need to adjust to them. No big car loans, no fancy home improvements - cover the basics first and then see what's left over.

Given your updates, I think you can stop relying on your parents if you make some cutbacks. I know you're physically and mentally fragile, but taking control of your finances will make you feel stronger and less reliant on others. You can do this.

I think it sounds as though a third could be afforded if the ops husband wasn’t financially controlling.
We have one car which is my partners really, he uses it for work and we do the food shop together etc. I get around using my legs I’m a sahm. Losing a car would help the situation!

We spend £80 on a food shop for two weeks, a few days a month will be things like beans in toast or soup etc. It doesn’t hurt us. My dp doesn’t exactly earn loads but we manage together to look after our family. I often sell a few bits and bobs on eBay if we have a tight month. I think the word I’m looking for is team work!

I don't think there's anything wrong with having two cars by the way, but I don't see why one of them has to cost £300 a month that you can't afford. Also I can't see why you have an old car and your DH has a very expensive one. Your DH doesn't sound like a very nice person. Please talk to your parents or show them this thread.

Thank you all for yet even more helpful advice.

Have spoken at lengths again to DH and got given an earful when I asked him about the 'rent' money and loan he was paying back his mum. He said it wasn't a competition between the parents about who was being thr most generous, and that he was just paying his mum his dues.

I pointed out that he had been given £2k from my parents towards a deposit for his car, hence the 'not a competition' comment, and that my parents were better off.

Unless my parents are not going to stop their generosity, I think I am going to have to be strong and do the right thing. Unless we really tighten the belt and have less food money each week, we won't be able to cut back enough. DH says he will have to pay a balloon payment for the car, and then find another deposit for a cheaper car to drive, neither of which he has money for.

I must sound so pathetic going on about how dependent I am on others and how i can't even afford to eat.

Our outward appearances would seem to be comfortable and ok: 4 bed detached house, two beautiful DC, two cars... it makes me feel so useless that I can't even organise my life enough to get by to find money to eat.

You really should see a budget for everything. Something in there is not right, and you let him get away with it.

Your DH needs more of a can do attitude. Even as a father of 2 that isnt great let alone 3! How long is left on the repayment to his mum for the door? It shouldn't be much surely? Is there something he could do for his mum that doesn't involve paying her 'rent' like cleaning, odd jobs etc when he's there. I know it isnt much but I wouldn't except money from my children if they were struggling to make ends meet with a young family.

When I worked, my salary contributed to the food bills. Obviously as I haven't been working for 2 years, we have had a deficit in the food money and we get this from my parents. The loan from his mum and the car loan are fairly recent.

My DH has looked at similar jobs around here but all the jobs in his industry would mean a £15k pay cut at least, they just don't pay the money even for someone with 30 years experience like he has.

His parents live in a house worth £800k - probably twice as much as my parents house is worth - yet they are not wanting to sell it and get some of the equity back. My FIL says he has a duty to his relatives who live nearby and he is a creature of habit etc so wouldn't want to move anyway. I don't expect my in-laws to sell their house to provide for us - of course I don't! - but it seems to be a bit odd how they are in such an expensive area yet they aren't that well off.

My DH only has about 3 months left on the door loan so in theory it should be paid off by Christmas. Then that would free up £100, but I don't think it will be anywhere near enough even with a cheaper car etc. Downsizing has been suggested by him but I pointed out that the moving costs etc alone would eat into the money we make from the house sale, and we would be reducing our space while expanding the family which seems a bit silly...

OP, you can organise your life, it's just that your DH is a selfish prick, bordering on abusive, if not definitely abusive.

Balloon payment my absolute arse. Any car can be sold, loans repaid, and a cheaper car got. I don't understand why your parents gave him £2000 for a car and he's not paying them back. Do they see it as a family car? Because from your posts, it's obvious it's his car. You can easily buy a car for £2000 outright if you had to.

Please show your DM this thread. Your DH seems to have destroyed your self-esteem, and he shuts down all discussion. He's abusing you by not giving you enough money for food and you have to ask your parents instead. He's taking advantage of your parents. He's choosing to spend money on luxuries for himself while you are doing without necessities, and he has you convinced that this is your fault.

My DH always feels a sense of duty towards his mum, hence paying her back and giving her money towards food etc.

Jesus OP, does your DH not see that it's not up to your parents to provide food for his family? I do understand you used to work and then you couldn't, but I don't at all understand why it became your parents' responsibility to feed you when your DH can afford to.

Apileofballyhoo my DH is a kind and loving man but yes, I agree that my self esteem is at rock bottom but not because 0f him. It had been at rock bottom probably since childhood really. I think I need therapy... probably a lot of it.

Wht dont you have indsight in the budget?