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Original poster

Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

482 replies

Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:03

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

OP posts:
Sn0tnose · 22/09/2019 10:51

I’d gone to a lot of effort with outfit and hair and it didn’t make me feel special that he wanted to split.

He didn’t owe you dinner or a feeling of ‘specialness’ because you’d made yourself look nice. That sort of thinking is equivalent to men thinking that the woman owes them intimacy because he’s paid for dinner.

Having said that, the tip thing would have put me off massively.

NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 10:52

@HotChocolateLover that's more generous than what I suggested Blush. I told her I would have put £10 down on the table and said I was reimbursing him for coffee and given all the brews and breakfasts and lunches she gave him whilst he was working in her home for a week, he could pick up this bill and I would have flounced out lol. She should have done what you said for sure. Even that was hard enough for her to afford.

HappyParent2000 · 22/09/2019 10:52

Always pay for your own stuff, in these modern times you can send a few ££ with a couple of clicks. It’s not like the old days.

Ardnassa · 22/09/2019 10:52

Nice try, but there is a difference between a man who is stingy generally like your bro, Sodding and men who don't want to upset the beautiful, feisty, independent woman opposite them who has been talking passionately about their career that evening.

And of course there are the men who offer to pay every time but the woman won't let them. And they graciously accept.

notacooldad · 22/09/2019 10:54

I'm not getting the 'I'm quite traditional ' comments on here!
I'm guessing some people are cherry picking the 'traditional' buts they like! ( eg men paying for the date! 😂😂)

chipsychopsy · 22/09/2019 10:56

I think splitting the bill seems a bit fiddly and off putting. If he wanted to see you again, when you offered to pay he could have said 'I'll get this one' implying you could take it in turns for subsequent dates.

It was maybe just a bit clunky OP.

ThatCurlyGirl · 22/09/2019 10:56

@Sn0tnose is absolutely bang on IMO:

He didn’t owe you dinner or a feeling of ‘specialness’ because you’d made yourself look nice. That sort of thinking is equivalent to men thinking that the woman owes them intimacy because he’s paid for dinner. Having said that, the tip thing would have put me off massively.

C0untDucku1a · 22/09/2019 10:59

I think the not believing in tipping is the bigger issue. That says more about his attitude towards money and his attitude towards waiting staff

donquixotedelamancha · 22/09/2019 10:59

because she has a vagina and got a blowdry, she doesn't have pay for her dinner.

OP is a laydee who wants to dress up and be made to feel special because a big strong gentleman pays for everything. I think all we can be sure about is the blow dry.

Mermaidsinthesand · 22/09/2019 11:03

On which date do we feel special enough OP to pay for your own half? When married? Confused

itsallverywell · 22/09/2019 11:04

I'm not sure I get this "the one who asked should pay". I met my chap on OLD, we had drinks for first date at a place he'd suggested that neither of us had been to. Should he have paid because he suggested the venue? When we first had dinner it was a case of one of us suggesting "Shall we try x place?" Mutually agreed and costs shared. We've never split equally, just take turns and it works out fairly evenly.

whoaherewego · 22/09/2019 11:06

I just don't understand why having a penis = should pay for things?!

If you want a relationship that's equal then surely you start off that way.

The tipping thing would be a big red flag to me however.

HowDoIMoveOnFromThis · 22/09/2019 11:10

Re the tipping, he said he never tips as he doesn’t agree with it but he didn’t want to offend me so was happy to do what I wanted re the tip

Listen to your gut. He's telling you he's not a nice person so don't go out again.

These tipping comments are really interesting.

I don't routinely tip. I will do if someone has made and effort or gone above and beyond bit just for fulfilling the basic requirements of the job? No, I don't tip.

wuddenyalike2know · 22/09/2019 11:12

If someone has said "I'd like to take you out" then they should pay. However, offering is the right thing. I heard a good quote from a dating quote once "If a woman doesn't offer to pay, then she wasn't raised right. If he doesn't pay, then he wasn't raised right." I agree with this.

I have to say I think a man should pay on the few couple of dates, but then I think the next one should be my treat (organised by me etc.)

Ultimately it is about choice and how you are personally comfortable and this is how I think it should be. I personally don't like the whole splitting thing. I think as the relationship progresses it should be sometimes I pay, sometimes he does.

wuddenyalike2know · 22/09/2019 11:13

Oh and I have actually said no to a second date a few times when I have had to pay. And everyone can slate me I really don't care. I womt respond either as I am unwavering on this.

wuddenyalike2know · 22/09/2019 11:14

And I always tip and I would never dage a man who didn't!

wuddenyalike2know · 22/09/2019 11:15

Date*

fatfluffycushion · 22/09/2019 11:17

Please can someone post a link to the other thread the op started ? Tu

EmmaGrundyForPM · 22/09/2019 11:20

the tipping would be the deal breaker for me because it shows a deeply unattractive side to him.

I disagree. I tip but acknowledge that other people don't. My ds won't tip unless there's been exceptional service. He used to work in a minimum wage customer-facing role and took the view that he didn't see why he should routinely tip a waiter or taxi driver for doing their job when he never had tips for doing his. Lots of people on minimum wage dont receive tips from the public - hospital cleaners, shop staff, care workers to name a few. I can see his point.

He is a lovely, thoughtful young man and shouldnt be judged by his attitude to tipping.

AMAM8916 · 22/09/2019 11:21

Whoever invites the other out pays

SimonJT · 22/09/2019 11:22

I’m genuinely surprised (and saddened) by how many people expect their time and attention to be purchased.

saucyspice · 22/09/2019 11:22

Interesting to see so many people saying they would expect to split as I would always expect the man to offer to pay on 1st dinner date. It's a really kind gesture and just something to keep romance alive.

Biancadelrioisback · 22/09/2019 11:22

In my view, a woman who expects a man to pay on dates, will also expect to be 'kept' throughout the relationship and will ultimately put financial pressure on the man, all while demanding to be treated equally as and when it suits them.

This is not the type of woman I would hope my son would go for.

burnoutbabe · 22/09/2019 11:24

How can it work that the man pays for the first few dates then they share?
That assumes that these dates lead to a long relationship but often there are many first and second dates but then no more dates with that person. In online dating you often see many people once or twice and decide you are not for each other.
That's why first few dates are usually more casual ie drinks where you alternate rounds and can leave easily when you want than a formal 3 course dinner situation. That's for later dates when you are clearly dating each other and are knowing there will be future dates.

FizzyPink · 22/09/2019 11:24

OP I think you’re getting a lot of unfair comments here. I agree I’d feel slighted if a guy didn’t want to take care of the whole bill on only the second date. It would suggest to me he didn’t fancy a 3rd.
I’ve been dating someone for about 8 weeks now and I did pay part of the first date as we’d been out for hours and ran up a £250 bill so I think he paid £180 and I paid £70 but since then it’s very much one of us will pay for dinner, the other will pay for drinks/activities. However he does always try to insist. For example out with friends last week and he still tried to pay for me even though he’d already paid for a dinner out and a takeaway that week. Luckily we earn very similar quite large salaries but I like that it’s fairly fair and neither of us would have a clue who had paid the most over the course of our dates.