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Original poster

Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

482 replies

Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:03

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 22/09/2019 10:17

can you confirm from a male perspective- in your opinion should he pay for dates 1 and 2 if he’s done the asking?

You got a male PoV upthread from me. I'm 40 and I'd run a mile from someone who wanted paying for, because of the type of unequal relationship implied.

But the truth is that there is no male PoV (though paying = entitled to sex, is sadly common). Some people do not want an equal partner, some do.

My suggestions above for how to signal to the type of man you want are genuine.

fatfluffycushion · 22/09/2019 10:18

You say he didn't know the area and wanted suggestions of a restaurant? So presumably he's had to find transport costs too ?
Even without transport costs I would offer to split the bill
Newsflash - This is 2019 and equality exists , I think the OP may be stuck in some Mills and Boon novel circa 1950

Biancadelrioisback · 22/09/2019 10:21

I've noticed you're just ignoring all my questions OP. Speaks volumes tbh.

Disfordarkchocolate · 22/09/2019 10:23

It really depends. If he asked and I knew we were planning to see each other again I'd be happy for him to pay and then say I'd pay next time. That way you get to see if he's a cheeky fucker who orders more expensive food when he's not paying. If it's still more tentative than that I'd rather pay my own way, especially if not exclusive.

HotChocolateLover · 22/09/2019 10:24

Just split it and if he’s extremely insistent (eg sneaks to the bar to pay whilst you’re in the loo) then just be grateful and buy the next round of drinks.

ThatCurlyGirl · 22/09/2019 10:25

Ffs this is so frustrating, like I say all this does is perpetuate everyday sexism and implies that women are less capable than men.

Does this mean that if the man pays a certain amount then the woman should sleep with him too?

He's the client doing the chasing so if he is successful presumably he wins the account?

Gross. Jesus wept.

SurleySuzieCan · 22/09/2019 10:29

OP I am with you, I think if he invited you out then yes he pays for the first dinner.

If I liked him too then the next time I would expect him to be ready to pay but would probably offer anyway.

What’s funny is that posters are saying ‘it’s 2019!’

It is 2019. And still men are being paid far more than women for the same jobs, and woman are penalised indirectly financially in many many jobs still, due to childcare. It’s quite shocking and sad that SOME parts of feminism actually become a disservice to women.

Anyway I digress. He should have paid if he invited you to dinner. If you like him then you pay next time. I don’t think it’s a dealbreaker if you like him and maybe he’s being careful as he’s not sure if you’re into him yet.

Jezebel2104 · 22/09/2019 10:29

I would be put off by someone who doesn't tip

NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 10:29

The OP does just ignore comments that don't agree with her (atypical) pov in favour of the more uncommon ones which support her skewed way of thinking.

Shes the same on the other thread.

Best of luck op. Find a sugar daddy who'll pay for everything. Invite him back on the second date because you "owe" him. You clearly have no wish to do things the healthy or balanced way of doing things and that's your prerogative. I'm done giving you helpful advice when you have no intention of taking it and try to normalise unhealthy (and even dangerous) ways of thinking about yourself and potential partners.

notacooldad · 22/09/2019 10:29

My POV is who pays shouldn't be an issue, it's just a straight split unless someone offers to before you get to the restaurant.
The focus of going out for a meal in a dating situation is to go somewhere nice and soending time with someone and having fun.
I'm not sure why people expect to be paid for. Of course, if someone offers to pay, why not if you are pretty sure there's going to be a next time and repay the treat.

SurleySuzieCan · 22/09/2019 10:31

Also the poster who said you should pay your own way so you don’t feel you owe him anything...

This is so very sad in so many ways!!!

TillyTheTiger · 22/09/2019 10:31

See I've always loved that my DH never treated me as a princess but rather as an equal right from date one (which we split, along with all subsequent dates). He's careful but not ungenerous with his money, and so am I. I think it's one of the shared values that has meant our relationship has been successful.
I dated someone who in 3 months didn't let me pay for a single thing and I actually found it rather insulting and patronising. I was an independent woman who was more than capable of paying my own way, I didn't need anyone to look after me!

NameChange84 · 22/09/2019 10:33

I say dangerous because on the other thread she had given this man her address after the first date and asked posters if she could invite him in for coffee and "get a bit amorous" but not have sex. When pushed as to why she'd want to bring a relative stranger that she didn't want to have sex with into her home, her basic way of thinking was that if he'd driven 45 minutes she had to let him in or he'd not want to see her again.

Trenchcoated · 22/09/2019 10:33

It is 2019. And still men are being paid far more than women for the same jobs, and woman are penalised indirectly financially in many many jobs still, due to childcare. It’s quite shocking and sad that SOME parts of feminism actually become a disservice to women

Explain what the pay gap has to do with feminism, and what any of this has to do with the OP's expectation that because she has a vagina and got a blowdry, she doesn't have pay for her dinner.

surlycurly · 22/09/2019 10:40

I was married to a man who treated me like a wee girl financially. It's financial abuse when you are solely dependent on their money and they decide what's paid for and what's not. Worth considering when you're looking at men who like to be in control of who pays for what. It's not always generosity. But that's an aside. I know numerous women who have been expected to reward men for buying dinner by putting out. We're not ever going to be as progressive as we need to be unless a line is drawn. For clarity, I don't think that's the case with most decent men, and this guy sounds like he was being fair to you when you offered to split it. He had, after all, paid for date one.

Clearly I don't expect a reply 🙄

SurleySuzieCan · 22/09/2019 10:40

trench because I don’t see why ‘it’s 2019’ means men don’t pay for dinner anymore? The answer on the thread seems to be because women are more empowered and independent now.

Whilst that is true to an extent, it’s not true in terms of pay for many woman. So it being 2019 and therefore you spilt the bill seems an odd argument. Not sure what 2019 has to do with the OP paying?

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 22/09/2019 10:41

I read research that said men don’t want to split the bill when they’re extremely attracted to the woman they’re with.

So I’m with you, OP. It would put me off and it would seem like a bad sign.

My lovely brother is rather “careful” with his money 😂 and used to split the bill on dates. His excuse was that he believed in feminism. Yeah, whatever. And then he met a woman that he TOTALLY fell for. He thought she was absolutely stunning. On their dates, he’d make a point of paying. He even went up to the desk to pay a dinner bill before the waitress could even bring it to the table.

He wanted to impress that woman. He didn’t care enough to want to impress the others.

Tiffanysetting · 22/09/2019 10:41

I've been dating regularly for 2 yrs. The problem is there's such a variation amongst women regarding this issue.
Some want paying for, some want to go Dutch. I've heard the 'Princess/lady/gentleman' Theme quite a lot, A recent what's app message with a match began with "Hi, Im looking for a man that accepts pretty woman skills as payment".
Later on she mentioned she wouldn't demand to be treated like a princess but would expect the man to behave like a gentleman and treat her like a lady. Yes , yes, I understand, lunch at the Hawksmoor it is then.

Does this surprise me, not a bit. I've just ended a 4 month relationship because she wanted me pay for everything and treat her like a princess, reply to all texts immediately, do all the driving.
Its like looking after a toddler.

I understand the feeling valued, however there's a fine line between value and taking the piss. Definitely a conflict of interest between both parties.

donquixotedelamancha · 22/09/2019 10:42

It’s quite shocking and sad that SOME parts of feminism actually become a disservice to women.

In fairness, the few posters arguing for the man to pay do all sound like radfems fighting for equality.

When will the other so called feminists on here realise that going back to 1950s social mores will solve the sex pay gap?

If more men opened doors for women, I imagine we could sort out sexual harassment too.

ChilledBee · 22/09/2019 10:43

The only one of my friend's who vehemently argues that men should pay for dates at least until you are in an exclusive relationship has been in three successive abusive relationships. I think the 2 are connected. What she calls a "guys' guy", I call a misogynistic pig.

ThatCurlyGirl · 22/09/2019 10:44

What?! Thinking the man should pay on dates because the woman has made an effort with her appearance very obviously perpetuates the issues behind the pay gap, it doesn't fix them!

It implies a woman's worth intrinsically lies in her looks and that her role is to look good while the man's is to provide for her because she has tried to look attractive ie a total lack of equality!

HotChocolateLover · 22/09/2019 10:46

@NameChange84 If that was me i’d have put £125 on the CC and then just left so he could take it up with the restaurant.

SurleySuzieCan · 22/09/2019 10:47

I don’t think we should go back to the 1950s.

But let’s stop pretending woman are equal. Where money is concerned they are not. And I say that from someone who earns decent money and I don’t need financial support. But feminists who think it’s all over now and that women should pay for themselves. Yes they should. But women should always be paid equally. Therefore the ‘it’s 2019’ argument as to why OP should pay is utterly ridiculous.

Mrsmummy90 · 22/09/2019 10:47

I'll admit, I'd always offer but on a first dinner date, I'm quite traditional in that I'd like the guy to pay. Splitting usually means not interested.

ChilledBee · 22/09/2019 10:47

And your guys should also look stunning on dates.