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Original poster

Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

482 replies

Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:03

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

OP posts:
Moomin8 · 24/09/2019 16:31

I was simply saying that Moomin's experience doesn't match mine.

Well that's fair enough. We all post based on our own experiences don't we.

I still think the OP's date sounds awful. Taking £25 and putting it in his pocket? It's just such a poor show. Coupled with non tipping.

One thing I would say is that I'd never expect someone to pay if they're genuinely hard up. Which is why a coffee is the best bet for a first date anyway imo.

Moomin8 · 24/09/2019 16:32

I wonder if the OP is going to have another date?

AryaStarkWolf · 24/09/2019 16:33

I think most of us atleast agree that the not tipping part is a turn off.... Grin

itsallverywell · 24/09/2019 16:35

Absolutely agree that refusal to tip would have turned me off!

dazzlinghaze · 24/09/2019 17:21

I always offer to split the bill and it wouldn't put me off for the man to accept.

Although on my first date with my ex we just met at a pub to have some food and drinks and after ordering the waitress said that their policy was to bring the bill after each order (I guess to stop people running up a massive tab and sneaking out) which was fine. So she went off to get the bill and before she'd even returned with it he said to me "do you mind if we split this?" I didn't like that at all, at least wait for the bill so I can offer Confused he did turn out to be incredibly tight and would always split the bill by going through and adding up what we'd each had rather than just splitting it down the middle.

So, no I don't mind paying my way but I find tightness very unattractive and him not wanting to leave a tip would leave me feeling the same way I felt when my ex asked me to split the bill with him.

Shortfeet · 24/09/2019 17:46

He should have paid !!!

itsallverywell · 24/09/2019 18:11

I agree @dazzlinghaze that approach is unattractive. My chap and I don't split, just take turns. Some weeks if I've had more outgoings he'll cover more and vice versa. It all works out fairly

Moomin8 · 24/09/2019 19:12

Personally, I think the right thing for this guy to have done would have been to say 'I'll get this - you can get the next one or something'

itsallverywell · 24/09/2019 19:22

The problem @Moomin8 is that he'd already got the tickets on the first date - £40.

AryaStarkWolf · 24/09/2019 19:52

@itsallverywell yes that's how we do it too

Moomin8 · 24/09/2019 19:56

I know but the OP didn't have her card. His behaviour just showed that he's more bothered about £25 than he is about making a good impression 🤷🏻‍♀️

Rubicon80 · 24/09/2019 20:36

I know but the OP didn't have her card. His behaviour just showed that he's more bothered about £25 than he is about making a good impression

Whereas she resents paying anything towards any of their dates. But I guess that's OK because, for some reason that no one can actually articulate, when two single, working people go out together, it's apparently the man's responsibility to pay for everything.

itsallverywell · 24/09/2019 21:46

I know but the OP didn't have her card. His behaviour just showed that he's more bothered about £25 than he is about making a good impression

What if he didn't have his card? She chose to leave her card behind. Would it have been acceptable for him to have done the same knowing he paid for the majority of the first date?

itsallverywell · 24/09/2019 21:52

I think I'm a little bit in love with you @Rubicon80. Your articulation tickles my mind Smile

Moomin8 · 24/09/2019 22:31

It's not anyone's responsibility to pay the bill. But his behaviour generally showed a lot about what he's going to be like in the future.

itsallverywell · 24/09/2019 22:43

It's not anyone's responsibility to pay the bill. But his behaviour generally showed a lot about what he's going to be like in the future

It's both their responsibility obviously. They both ate and drank. But why is his behaviour indicative of the future and not hers? Sounds like she wants him to do all the heavy lifting

Ellisandra · 24/09/2019 22:52

So he already bought you a £22 concert ticket for your first date?
Assuming you paying for drinks doesn’t mean £22 of drinks for him, then he’s already treated you.
Why expect him to continue to pay for you?

I’d split all the way, though I don’t have any issue with someone accepting a gift of a ticket on a first date. But he did that. Wanting him to pay for the second date too, is just expecting him to bank roll you. Not on. Have some pride!

wuddenyalike2know · 25/09/2019 09:40

OP you know it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It's what sits comfortably with you. So go with your gut and instinct.

I have to say usually all the guys in my family pay when they take a girl out. Everytime. They arent chauvanists and they do not expect sex or anything.

My guy BF who is like my brother usually pays for me unless I insist. But we never really split unless we are a big group. Even the he will often pay for me and his wife.

Jennifer2r · 25/09/2019 09:47

I do a lot of dating and 85% of the second dates I go on are the last date with that person. I don't expect that amount of free dinners. But then I do have a good salary and my own home so maybe its different for some women.

Rubicon80 · 25/09/2019 09:50

@itsallverywell I think I'm a little bit in love with you @Rubicon80. Your articulation tickles my mind smile

Aww thanks hun Wink

It's always reassuring to realise that there are other sane people out there.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/09/2019 09:58

It's both their responsibility obviously. They both ate and drank. But why is his behaviour indicative of the future and not hers? Sounds like she wants him to do all the heavy lifting

Exactly. This was their 2nd date and he'd already paid for the first, him paying again and her not even offering would surely say more about her than him?

WMPAGL · 25/09/2019 10:08

I would always offer to split because my rational brain tells me that the reason for the man paying (traditionally he was the only one with a 'proper' job) no longer applies.

To be honest, though, it's always nicer when the guy insists on paying for the first time (only) as it essentially says to me that they're excited enough to be with you and see your contribution as your company! Old fashioned and perhaps a bit assist but there we are! It's obviously ingrained in me!

I wouldn't be comfortable always being paid for though. At that point it would feel like they were buying me.

Everafter1 · 25/09/2019 10:33

@wuddenyalike2know I have to say usually all the guys in my family pay when they take a girl out. Everytime. They arent chauvanists and they do not expect sex or anything.

Most of the men I know are the same & you're right, it's what OPs comfortable with. She has contributed & isn't coming across as a using gold digger.

My estranged father never contributed but was terribly abusive & used money & gifts as a means of control so I'm not coming from a place of having blinkers on when it comes to men who use money for power.

A man wanting to pay for meals shouldn't him negatively. I've experienced both types of men who insist on paying. It's not as one dimensional. My ex was selfish, arrogant, manipulative, said he would never change a nappy etc. Dp is the complete opposite.

I paid for my first date with my ex & with dp I rearranged the first date as I had just paid a holiday & wanted to have enough with me so I have qualms with paying, but I am secure enough to accept a kind gesture from a male & not expect that I'm seen as some prostitute. It would hold no power over me whatsoever so maybe that's why it doesn't make me feel bitter.

AryaStarkWolf · 25/09/2019 11:05

@Everafter1 have I misread the last line of your post or are you saying women who like to split/take turns paying are bitter?

I can only speak for myself but I'm certainly not bitter, I just like fairness and to pay my way Shock

itsallverywell · 25/09/2019 11:05

But then I do have a good salary and my own home so maybe its different for some women.

Good point, I'm the same.

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