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Original poster

Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

482 replies

Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:03

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountainhare · 23/09/2019 09:07

It was 2 posters I was asking in this case.

OP posts:
Turningtides · 23/09/2019 09:13

OP - Look, it would have been more straightforward (and preferable behaviour) if he’d paid, yes. But maybe he was expecting you to pay as he got the concert tickets. This is how some men are these days.

If you’ve arranged to go out midweek, just go now and see what happens. Make a decision after that.

Is he seeing other women at the moment? Has this come up?

Original poster
Mountainhare · 23/09/2019 09:19

Turningtides- thank you. No it’s not come up and to be honest I didn’t want to ask. Good thing is he seems keener now with the texting whereas before it was sparse. I appreciate your post

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/09/2019 09:27

I would offer to split it but would hope that he would insist on paying.
If he does and we go on after dinner I would expect to buy all the drinks and be very insistent on that.
In fact I did just that about 3 weeks ago.
Works out pretty even then but I feel like he has been a gentleman and offered to pay for the dinner which HE invited me to!

Everafter1 · 23/09/2019 09:28

Imo the person who asks the other out should be expecting to pay for the date & should have enough aside to just pay for it regardless.

You paid for the drinks in your first date. Probably not far off the cost of the concert tickets. Completely fair.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 23/09/2019 09:32

hellsbellsmelons- Thanks - this was a second date- do you still think the same- thanks

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 23/09/2019 09:44

I haven't dated for 20 years and am a bit younger than you OP but bloody hell even in my dating days I wouldn't have expected anyone to pay for me!

I cannot abide tightness but there is a line and I wouldn't want to feel like I was being bought. When I met dh I was a student and he was a bit older and on a really good wage. He always wanted to pay but I wouldn't let him every time because it's just weird and I would've felt a bit pathetic tbh.

Rubicon80 · 23/09/2019 10:35

@Biancadelrioisback I genuinely feel for any low earning, single males. I suppose if they aren't in a position to just pay for whatever then they don't get a second date, no matter how nice they are.

They only don't get a second date with women like the OP here. Fortunately they are a minority, and weed themselves out.

itsallverywell · 23/09/2019 11:01

I really can't understand the concept of whoever does the asking pays. The other person willingly accepts and so clearly wanted the same thing as the asker. They're not doing the asker a favour which should be repaid by the asker coughing up!

Unless someone makes clear it's their treat, which to me would be for a birthday or to mark an achievement then costs should be shared. Can't fathom why people think otherwise.

boujie · 23/09/2019 11:06

These days it's normal to split it.

DamonSalvatoresDinner · 23/09/2019 11:09

Split the bill these days. If you don't know the person well they could be the type to think that paying for dinner means the woman owes them in a physical sense.

Bluntness100 · 23/09/2019 11:11

Op. When do you feel he should stop paying for you? He pays the first date, the second date, because your traditionalism is focused on when it benefits you. When do you feel you should pay your own way?

Trenchcoated · 23/09/2019 11:17

Or will you pay on dates where you make a less than optimal effort with your appearance? Does it work in increments of grooming, like if you have a ladder in your tights you might pay a tenner, but chipped nail varnish/lack of a blowdry/jeans and jumper means you are ponying up for the whole meal? Hmm

hellsbellsmelons · 23/09/2019 11:19

Yes @Mountainhare I do indeed.
I'm older though so I expect a man asking me out to be a gentleman about it.
But I would also want to pay my 'fair share' in some other way, no matter which date it was.
A few have not got past a 2nd date due to the fact they didn't offer to pay for dinner.

May sound a bit shallow but that's just me and what I expect.

Everafter1 · 23/09/2019 11:35

I really can't understand the concept of whoever does the asking pays. The other person willingly accepts and so clearly wanted the same thing as the asker

It's more about expectations rather than wants. They might want the same thing but I don't think you should be asking someone out and expecting them to pay your way. That's a bit of a cheek. So yes I believe the person asking for the date should be expecting to pay for the date.

The first time I initiated a date with dp I was fully expecting to pay the whole lot & had no qualms about it. He's very chivalrous so paid for the meal and I paid the drinks bill.

itsallverywell · 23/09/2019 11:39

I don't think you should be asking someone out and expecting them to pay your way. That's a bit of a cheek

Agreed, but you could reasonably expect them to pay their own way.

Everafter1 · 23/09/2019 11:48

Agreed, but you could reasonably expect them to pay their own way.

I personally wouldn't expect that of someone else if I had asked but I also don't like anyone paying for me. I'd rather contribute. It makes me feel uneasy. I wouldn't expect someone to pay for me but if I asked someone out I wouldn't want them to think they had to put their hand in their pocket for anything.

I offered genuinely on every date dp & I had, to pay for something at least half. He's very traditional in that sense & he did say he gave in that night as he could see it was starting to annoy me.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/09/2019 11:59

he did say he gave in that night as he could see it was starting to annoy me
This as well. I don't mind the man paying but I need to pay sometimes as well.
With my last short term BF I had to threaten not to go out with him again unless he let me pay. As he just kept paying and I'm not OK with that either!

Everafter1 · 23/09/2019 11:59

Sorry, I don't know if I made much sense on that last post lol If I was asked out I would always expect to contribute to the date in some form but if I asked someone out I wouldn't be expecting them to pay for anything.

itsallverywell · 23/09/2019 12:01

I don't think the majority of dates happen because one person asks the other out specifically. I think it's more of a case of "Shall we go out sometime? What do you fancy doing?"

Everafter1 · 23/09/2019 12:02

..yeah I'm not okay with that either. It's nice having a treat but I hate feeling like I'm not contributing. It makes me feel unsettled a bit.

angieloumc · 23/09/2019 12:09

I would generally split the bill but it is nice to either pay or be paid for.
It makes me recall a chap I dated for a while over ten years ago. Each time we had gone out we took it in turns to pay which was fine.
One time we went out with some friends of mine. He paid for the first round of drinks for the four of us; he got a lime and soda as he was driving.
However when the other party ordered a round of drinks he ordered a J20. Sounds petty but in those days it was a relatively new 'expensive' soft drink. The same happened on the round I and the other lady bought and back to a lime and soda on his round. He was just tight!
It really irked me and I didn't see him again.

itsallverywell · 23/09/2019 12:15

@angieloumc I think it was tight of you and your friends to accept presumably alcoholic drinks from him, particularly as he was likely driving at least you home! If I'm out with a friend who is on soft drinks I always cover their drinks and my own (if they let me).

Original poster
Mountainhare · 23/09/2019 12:20

Most people clearly think the bill should be spilt but for me, late forties, I’d be expecting to contribute on every date eg buying drinks when we went to the concert, but the first time going for dinner which was date 2 in this case, I’d probably think that the guy would pay but I’d always offer. By date 3 I’d be expecting to split the bill and wouldn’t make any less effort with my appearance as someone was talking about upthread. I know I must be very old fashioned but I would think a guy asking you out for dinner for the first time means they’re kind of taking you out which includes the paying bit. It’s not about the money, more the sentiment
Clearly very very much in the minority here although there’s a few folk who agree

OP posts:
Moomin8 · 23/09/2019 12:24

No, no, no. If a man won't pay for your meal it suggests he's going to be tight with money. People are going to shout and disagree with me but ime the men who want to pay are more attentive later.

You should offer to split and he should say no!

Yes it's technically right that you should be willing to split but I've had a lot of dating experience and this is a marker of a tight man.

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