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Original poster

Who pays on second date( but first dinner date)

482 replies

Mountainhare · 22/09/2019 07:03

Prob will get slated for this but just being honest
Second date - but first dinner date- with guy I like.
I offered ( said “ do you want me to...” when the bill arrived) and he said “ yes let’s split it”
He had asked me out for dinner and I feel quite traditional in that it would be nice if the guy who has asked you pays for the first time you go for dinner. Not every date, just in this situation maybe
Prepared to be slated though... thoughts please?

OP posts:
Tweetingmagpie · 22/09/2019 19:51

I wouldn’t want to go out with someone who even thought about 44 pound here and 25 pound there, simply because that’s not the way I roll Grin I have plenty of my own money but if I was dating I’d want someone like my dh who wouldn’t dream of letting me pay and wouldn’t even look at what the bill was, because that’s the way I am and the way I would be once I’m actually with someone, but for me personally the man always pays in the beginning else there’s no second date.

firesong · 22/09/2019 20:26

Aargh... I don't know. I'm dating a man who earns several times what I do (and doesn't have kids, I'm a single parent) and he doesn't want me to pay when we go out. He says he knows I don't have much money and would prefer that I spend it on my children. He's a feminist as well. I don't feel comfortable not paying for anything, so I get drinks and pay for cheaper things.

When it comes to first date expectations, I always take money and offer to pay half. Some go along with that, and some guys say they'd like to pay. All fine and neither one puts me off. Nobody has insisted I pay the whole bill!

zonkin · 22/09/2019 20:38

@Tweetingmagpie I also wouldn't want to go out with someone who held a tab against me. But after a few dates if I was always the one who was picking up the bill I'd not carry on.

Thankfully not an issue for me as DH and I have been together for many years and all our money goes into one pot so it's neither here nor there. Each of us has had ups and downs in our income and it hasn't changed anything.

Expecting the man to pay everything in the beginning seems weird. Don't pay, no second date. Even though we might actually get on really well otherwise?

At what point do you deem it acceptable to actually contribute?

Elodie2019 · 22/09/2019 20:54

Just caught up... OP keeps saying she's been 'put off' him. I think he's had a lucky escape. Sorry OP but I really think you're BVU.

twirlypoo · 22/09/2019 20:57

Zonkin I’m with @tweetingmagpie on this. I find keeping tab really unattractive, and as I said up thread, even with friends we take it in turns to get the full bill rather then splitting it - but there’s no one keeping track! My ex was very wealthy - he always got the bill for us, and if we took friends out them too. I contributed in other ways - I would turn up with a bag of groceries and make a meal with a lovely bottle of wine. I’d notice one of his aftershaves was running low and get him another bottle. There are many ways to contribute that don’t involve haggling over pennies on a bill!

nex18 · 22/09/2019 21:56

I met my boyfriend online, we met in a pub for our first date and bought our own first drinks whilst we found each other. It was going well, he suggested eating, he ordered and paid, I bought a drink later. Since then we have always taken it in turns, in the early days it was our little joke about there having to be a next time.
As far as tipping is concerned, I tip if I think it’s going to who I am tipping but not so much if it’s going to the general pot. My dd is a waitress, their tips are shared so she gets considerably less than she adds to the pot, they also take from the tips for mistakes, breakages, when someone ran off without paying. This has really put me off tipping.

itsallverywell · 22/09/2019 22:40

The asker pays, usually

But there's generally not an asker. Someone usually suggests what both people are thinking

The only person I ever let pay for my meals was my very wealthy boss who would say "I'm taking you out for lunch".

Scott72 · 22/09/2019 22:49

My dd is a waitress, their tips are shared so she gets considerably less than she adds to the pot, they also take from the tips for mistakes, breakages, when someone ran off without paying. This has really put me off tipping.

Mistakes, breakages and people running off without paying is what the employer should be covering. Instead tips, which should be a reward for the wait staff for work well done, is used to cover this. This is what universal tipping leads to. Employers use them as an excuse to cut costs.

Unknownanon · 22/09/2019 22:51

I would be once I’m actually with someone, but for me personally the man always pays in the beginning else there’s no second date.

You know he did pay for the first date right? This is the second OP also wants paying for.

OP you seem to have odd thinking around dressing up and making an effort if you think a) he should treat you for it (this thread) and b) you owe him and therefore should invite him into your house (previous thread).

It's always nice to not have to pay, whether it's a free dare dinner or free mate dinner, most people would like it. But that doesn't mean the man should have to pay X amount of dates until you are satisfied. If you feel off about it, decline a 3rd date.

Secondsight · 22/09/2019 22:53

I think it's difficult I would say as it's your first ever date that it would be nice for him to pay but only if I was looking back retrospectively on something which had been rather special and worked out to be a ltr. As its on line dating he may have had a number of dates and if he paid each time rather costly. So to go half each seems reasonable.

Unknownanon · 22/09/2019 22:56

Dinner with friends is totally different. You see them more than once so turns is fair enough, you've also all got the same mentality and know at some point your turn will come to pick up the tab.

With dating you have no idea how many dates you will have. A first or second date doesn't mean a 3rd. And what happens if date 1 is cheap coffee and cake and date 2 is expensive restaurant? All well and good to take turns in a relationship when you know it all evens out, but dating isn't a relationship

It gets very expensive very fast if you only ever get as far as the first 3 dates, and are expected to pay for them all

Happyspud · 22/09/2019 22:58

You split it.

Biancadelrioisback · 22/09/2019 23:02

I genuinely feel for any low earning, single males. I suppose if they aren't in a position to just pay for whatever then they don't get a second date, no matter how nice they are.

MrsRufusdog789 · 22/09/2019 23:03

@Mountainhare
No reason why you should be slated . He invited you to dinner .
For politeness sake you offered to go halves - had he been a gracious sort his response should have been no - I invited you ......
Had you just taken it as read that he would pay it wouldn't have been nice at all . He spoiled this date for not taking charge of the responsibility to pay as well as the invitation .

nex18 · 22/09/2019 23:04

Exactly my thoughts Scott72

MrsRufusdog789 · 22/09/2019 23:07

@Trenchcoated
I think she was just disappointed that all the effort she'd made to compliment her date by making a real effort ( he invited her out after all ) was essentially wasted - he didn't make her feel special ? If your date doesn't do that on the first date things never get any better .

MrsRufusdog789 · 22/09/2019 23:09

@Mountainhare
Call me old fashioned but any man who doesn't carry some cash is a cheapskate .
If he starts off cheap on a first date he's not going to improve .

MrsRufusdog789 · 22/09/2019 23:11

@MarthasGinYard
Yuk to the first date stories . Cringeworthy.
Totally agree - the first date is a real deal breaker .

Unknownanon · 22/09/2019 23:12

@MrsRufusdog789 except he did pay for the first date. This was the second she also expected him to pay for.

Interestedwoman · 23/09/2019 00:23

I went out with a bloke once or twice who insisted on paying and it made me uncomfortable, especially as he moaned that the place was expensive. I would want to split it. You can have your own feelings though, but I wouldn't hold it against the bloke.

I suppose if you want a very 'traditional' bloke you might want to move on to the next.

Either way, best wishes for your dating exploits.

Original poster
Mountainhare · 23/09/2019 08:01

MrsRufusDog789- I am still confused and can see that the majority think I’m being unreasonable although a few don’t.
Can you confirm you knew he paid for concert tickets for first date - £22 ish each. Do you still think therefore that I’m being reasonable? Or unreasonable? Thanks ..

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountainhare · 23/09/2019 08:36

Secondsight- it was our second date- on the first one he got concert tickets £22 ish each and I got the drinks. Meal on second date was about £52 in total( just writing this so you have all the info)
Am I still being reasonable or unreasonable?
I had been in a long term relationship so was out of the way of dating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountainhare · 23/09/2019 08:37

Oh and secondsight- it’s not online dating..

OP posts:
Badolddays · 23/09/2019 08:40

You’ve had 11 pages of opinions and you’re still asking!

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 23/09/2019 09:02

Good god OP. Most people have said YABU. Asking again won't change that and you'll just ignore everyone anyway. You sound like an absolute nightmare. Stay single. You are not ready to be dating.