Third (and final) thread - C nonsense

[JaysusWept]

Unbelievable that this is the 3rd thread and still nothing has been resolved.
I wasn’t going to start this one but if anything good comes out of this shite it will be a Glasgow/Scotland MN meet up!

I know folk laugh at all the ‘DAILY MAIL MAY NOT USE THIS’ stuff, but here’s me giving the scummy DM permission to use this 👋

Hi OP.
I've been reading since the first thread.
I went out with someone who lied and had others believe the lies.
I won't lie (no pun intended), it caused major issues for me socially, but it wasn't the first time I'd had to distance myself from a massive group of people.
I was lucky to have a small handful of people who did some damage limitation for me, who knew the guy very well.

I also had a major kick off in the school yard, when the local gossip-cum-fantasist spread something grossly exaggerated about the guy I was separating from. It was very ugly and I broke down big-time, years and snot, the works. But I didn't lose it at the woman, I simply put forward my position and what damage she had caused with her lies (can't go into that, it became a police matter) and if I hadn't been so exhausted from all the moving about and sorting the refuge etc I probably wouldn't have burst into tears.

The police asked if I'd like them to pay her a visit and warn her to stop all contact, because she was also sending me vile messages for days, via SMS, what's app, facebook etc.

In your position I'd download one of the cease and desist templates, fill in the parts necessary, photo the letter and send it recorded delivery to her house (it's only two quid or so, your ex could bung you the change) and hold onto the receipt.

I would state to the what's app group that you've had enough now and don't want to hear more about it.

I'd tell the school there's a situation and that you just wanted to make them aware as it may spill into the playground at break time do could they please keep a friendly eye on your dd.

And if you see the husband, a quick and curt "please leave me out of whatever mess is going on between you and your wife, thank you".

Keep screenshots of anything which has been written down.

I wanted to say one other thing but I've forgotten what it was.

You're being brave and calm and that's commendable. I do think this woman sounds unhinged and ah I remember what I was going to say - I'd be concerned she might set up a fake fb account under your name, using the exact photos you use etc and message him from it. And then say that you're still at it. Just keep an eye for that.

Here is a free cease and desist template link:

www.lawdepot.co.uk/contracts/cease-and-desist-letter/

I can't make it a clicky link, unfortunately.

It's M I'm baffled at. How can she go along with it having heard the DH herself???

And supporting excluding the child? What a shower

OP, I can only tell you what I would like to think I would do and think, based on what I wish I had done and thought in a similar situation years ago:

I would speak to C's gossipy friend and put her right about what's really gone on. (I wouldn't be at all arsey about this; I'd just speak normally.)

As for the other women, you can't control them and you can't change them.

Know that you can never un-know what you now know about all of them. But now you know it, you can't ignore it.

I would tell myself that none of them meet MY criteria for friendship and I would unfriend them.

I would try to see this whole experience as a 'course correction' in my life and tell myself that I'm better off without friends like that. They all served their purpose for a time, but now, life is moving you on to other, better things.

Move on as quickly as possible. (Your life is going to include a fair number of unpleasant and painful events. The fact is, the quality of your life depends on how well you can move on from them.)

Be kind to yourself. Join some groups. Meet up with other people. Focus on things which feel good to you.

It's late and that's all I can think of. Good luck with it all!

Joining your thread OP as I couldn't find it an I was wondering how you are. FWIW I don't think you look like a year because you didn't challenge this at the very start. Sane people don't start bullshit like this and C doesn't sound sane. I worked with a woman who was a compulsive liar, she caused so much aggro because sane people believed her, it's what we do because we would never spin this bullshit. I think you've been very dignified throughout.

What if the text wasn't sent accidentally.

I've wondered this too and the closest I could come to a reason why was this...

What if 3 weeks earlier crazy C misheard something, thought OP was talking about her behind her back to one of their friends. She plots her revenge and deliberately sends that text right after the OP was chatting to her DH, texts back immediately saying it was meant for L and was about a woman at work but knows she has said enough to make OP think they are talking about her behind her back and now she will know how it feels, revenge is sweet - The End.

Only it wasn't the end because OP showed the bloody message to a mutual friend who agreed that it seemed to be about her and not some random at work. Crazy C didn't have the smarts to think that far ahead and is now in a pickle so invents some deleted FB messages to back up her story but doesn't think that through either because now the OP has only gone and asked her DH about them....

Too far fetched?

Maybe take your ex up on his offer to be involved. I think ideally, one last conversation with everyone to try and get to the bottom of it all.

I think I would have C, C’s husband, you, your ex, and one of M,K, or D (can’t remember who you said you had been closest to) all sit down and discuss face to face.

Explain there were no messages. Explain deleted messages can be recovered. Explain that if C’s husband is having an affair or messaging someone, now is the time for him to come clean. Stick to facts, not emotion. I think this is what I’d do, because I could not just leave it. It would make me so fucking angry to never have the chance to make C say all of her lies to my face, if she won’t admit that she’s made a mistake

Too far fetched yes Velerian, in my opinon. Some women are just dreadful bitches, we need to just accept that. These are bitches. I never like gangs of women, or big groups because there is always the propensity for this sort of shite. And this woman sent a bitchy, meaningless but hurtful text to a willing accomplice and cannot stand being caught out in it. Neither can the others who were just as in love with the drama. A lot of the drama love is replicated in mumsnet threads every day, The ones with the most posts oddly are similar. We as women have to ask ourselves why that is?

@Derbee C is never going to agree to a sit down meeting when she knows she's been lying through her teeth this whole time, is she, come on now!

@itwaseverthus let's not make it a sex thing, some men are terrible conniving cunts also. The world is full of shitheads and not shitheads, most if the people I love and trust most in the world are women, look at this thread for example

@AryaStarkWolf who knows? If C feels like it’s all spiralling it of control and her lies are becoming too much, she might accept a way out. There’s a way out for C without losing face, she might just not be able to see it because she’s in the eye of the storm. Nobody will know for sure until they suggest it. And I would suggest it because it is what I would want. And I wouldn’t be able to live with being in a situation where I walked away and assumed C wouldn’t agree to anything, without asking. It’s not in my nature.

I want situation A, as I feel it it’s the best option for me. Therefore I will suggest situation A. If someone says no,at least I know that I stated what I wanted

@Derbee it's a noble suggestion but one clearly C will never agree to considering she knocked it up a gear the minute the OP comforted her DH face to face. There's not a chance in hell someone who lies as much as C has been doing will risk her lies being challenged in a room full of people who could call her out on it. Zero chance

Caroline is a lying cunt. I suggest you get a T-shirt made to that effect for the school run.

Only half joking.

At the beginning I was in the 'bring it out into the open and sort it out' camp. But as it's escalated, I've seen what some of the early posters mean about the benefits of grey rock in these situations. You're not going to win with C because she's prepared to lie to an extreme level. Also she has surrounded herself with flying monkeys who both enjoy the drama and are prepared to back her even when presented with her lies, as long as it keeps them in the inner circle.

Reasonable people would have engaged with this completely differently and been honest with you from the start. She would have confronted you if she really thought you were flirting with your husband or at least have had an honest discussion with you about the original text, or tried to de-escalate it once she was exposed. But she went nuclear with more lies because keeping social face is more important to her than honest, respectful relationships.

Because you're dealing with crazy, you can't tackle it with normal negotiating and resolution tactics. I really think engaging with any of them just makes it worse because clearly none of them are prepared to risk her wrath by standing up to her. This means they're not on your side OP and any discussions you have with them will be fed back, dissected and used against you. Sorry.

*Flirting with her husband

I think the time has come for you to have it out with C. I know you don't want to, but I suspect she's using your reluctance to confront her as a a sign of your guilt and that's why the others are siding with her. I can just imagine how the conversation's gone...
K: Jaysus is really upset and says she didn't send those messages.
C: [Lying through her back teeth] Well, she did.
M: Has she contacted you yet?
C: No, not a word.
L: I can't believe she's not been in touch with you to sort it out.
C: Me neither. That's why I know she definitely sent them. Anyone who wasn't guilty would've spoken to me directly to say so.
Rinse and repeat, etc etc.

I would be tempted to have it out with C now, it's gone so far. Even if it's in the playground in front of the others.

I've been lurking from the beginning and I want to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you. It's the reason I've given up trying to make friends.

I think you have behaved impeccably and I am absolutely raging on your behalf. They are a bunch of wankstains and I'd gladly give them all a slap for you!

I would have to have it out with Cunt and her DH. Do you think she'd answer the phone rather than you going over? Put it on speakerphone with your ex present so he can hear/get involved if needs be.

I wonder if C’s husband said the messages were from you to deflect focus from the real “new” women or man in his life?

I too think you have to confront. Not in a hostile way as she sounds like someone who is batshit crazy and hysterical.
Calm, collected. We need to talk about these lies etc

The problem is C is a bully. The others are scared of her and they are not going to confront her whether they believe it or not. The easiest option for them is to keep quiet, agree with her story and hope it blows over. They are probably just glad it was you on the receiving end. She chose you because she is clearly jealous of you but I think the whole thing started because her DH has been chatting to someone on FB messenger that has the same first name as the OP or he has said he finds her attractive and she didn't like it.

I think you are better off calling her out but with an independent witness as well as her DH and at least one of the other so-called friends. The issue with using your xDH is they will just say you've persuaded him to cover for you.

I do really wish you the best OP, I have had a similar situation with someone I was really close friends with, who after turning her back on me when I needed her most, has become a complete cunt and trying to get our joint friends on her side. Even though she was completely in the wrong nobody has stood up to her because they 'know what she's like'.

Do not feel bad about how you’ve handled it. You haven’t seen C since the first playground? Before this all escalated.

You can’t go to her house and she won’t pick up a call from you.

The question to her H was good (and lucky M was there) but that still didn’t work and she went nuclear.

Earlier suggestions for your ex to call the H are not bad, not sure he would answer C could be spinning huge lies to him too.

A co-ordinated pick up at school together and see H there? But don’t let him be aggro the H might be clueless.

Wow it just gets worse, this is all really horrible and nasty.

Firstly, Coraline (button eyes 😂) is very adapt at lying and manipulation, she is getting this support and attention because she puts on a good act and turns on the tears to play the victim, this gets everyone rallying around her. Not suggesting you do this but imagine if you sobbed your heart out at the school gates about Coraline lying about you, imagine all the mums would be comforting you.

I do think you have to do something but the problem is how Coraline will twist it... you turn up there with your ex and even if that goes ok I would imagine to the group it would be you went around there to intimidate them.

As much as I hate, hate the idea of your ex contacting Mr Coraline, I think it’s probably the best one. This could all end up effecting his DD after all. Or, you could contact Mr Coraline, you have nothing to lose to send him a Facebook message, apparently you do it anyway, right? If you were to them list everything but make it clear how upset you are, really lay that on thick... channel your inner Coraline.

Please DO NOT confront her at the school gates, that will just end in her turning on the tears and you seeming to be the aggressor.

Honestly, you need to play them at her own game.

Are you still meeting for lunch today with The others? X

I really wouldnt confront her .
She will be even more of a "victim" and it will simply add fuel to her story.
If she continues this then a firm solicitors letter is the way to go.
In the meantime "grey rock"
You cant control her behaviour ,only your own.
I have a feeling it will all become clear that this is all lies if you sit tight and dont react .