Is my DO having an affair?

[brightside20]

Hello all.

Going through DP phone tonight.

Came across a conversation between them and a long time mutual friend.

They have been talking everyday. 100s of messages.
Some of them are about me. And how awful I am.
Messages about their weekly coffee meet ups.
Multiple kisses on every message.
He's sending a good morning message everyday.
Silly names for each other again used everyday.
Inside jokes.
Some flirty banter etc.

They have similar interests etc. So am I reading too much into this?

TIA. Don't know what to think and panicking.

Oh OP, I’m sorry. What a shock. And with your friend of all people, it’s a double betrayal. They have both massively overstepped the line, whether they care to acknowledge it or not. He is gaslighting you massively to try to convince you that it’s all normal and acceptable but it’s absolutely fucking not and you do not have to accept it just because he labels it a “friendship”. We all know it’s a lot more than that. I’m sorry.

I suggest you read up everything about Gaslighting. This is what he’s doing. He’s trying to make his bad behaviour all your fault. Arsehole.

So your DP is a 61-year-old man who can't see why regularly meeting another woman for coffee and then texting her multiple times a day making disparaging remarks about his DP and sending her lots of kisses, etc. could be upsetting to you?

Wow, what a catch you have there, not.

OP, he's an almost-pensioner with the maturity of a selfish child, you can do so much better than him! I'd start making exit plans for yourself and your DC. He can find out whether the grass is really greener with his OW until she also gets tired of his immaturity.

I honestly think that in five years, you'll be thanking your lucky stars that you got rid of him.

Your dh is an abusive narcissist and you have just blown his perfect ‘facade’ and called him out on his atrocious behaviour! Block his number! Tell him he can contact your sister to arrange contact. Then get to a solicitor ASAP - do not continue to engage or respond emotionally just block him or if you must continue contact use the grey rock technique! Your dh is having an affair with this other woman and he is desperate fo4 her not to speak to you. Why do you think that is? I would be tempted to screenshot and share the lies and contemptuous abuse he is sending you and message her and tell her she is welcome to him- good luck to her because this is the real him!

I would have a look at the first link below and consider purchasing the two bottom books. When you realise how abusive and dangerous he is please contact women’s aid and seek advice on what to do next. I would also look into doing the freedom program!

m.facebook.com/notes/rebecca-cummings/abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/480862655302912/

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Recognize-Respond/dp/1440504636/ref=pd_sim_14_2/261-3812201-2324806?psc=1&pf_rd_p=10349d8e-8150-4203-9910-f37932b33d53&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=NyaxD&pf_rd_r=H83E88XYDTEE05NMVQTW&pd_rd_i=1440504636&pd_rd_w=qPEzU&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&refRID=H83E88XYDTEE05NMVQTW&pd_rd_r=7f3dc841-2a39-4255-ba0f-5addcbfd38fe

When it sinks in, you need to prep for divorce.

It hasn't yet and that's understandable. It's hard to believe that your partner can be an utter cunt. But this one is.

This is a heartless specimen.

He is projecting his guilt on to you.

You deserve better.

Cmon OP you already know the answer. Do not let anyone treat you like a mug.

Tahoe care x

*Take

So he is 61 with kids in primary school ?

And he is going to leave you when they finish uni ? Or am I reading this wrong?
By that time he will be 80 odd ? Not so much of a catch then.
What is his previous relationship history like because he sounds a nasty ,manipulative piece of work and i bet there is a trail of destrictiin in his wake .

You deserve better, he can't even admit that he's gone too far with her

Emotional affair if nothing else. I don’t text my closest friends every single day, and I certainly don’t send good morning texts to any of them

^^^^ THIS.

Nothing physical could possibly of happened

How do you know this? People find a way if they want to.

He is a liar, cheat and unfaithful piece of shit. The amount of gas lighting he is doing is astounding.

Get to a good solicitor on Monday and take back control of your life.

Does he have an iPhone? Does he back it up to iCloud? Do you have access to it?

If so, you can download every single one of the texts to an Excel spreadsheet.

I did it when my ExH did EXACTLY the same as your husband is doing now. I had the messages, the gaslighting, the blame.

Please disengage with him, he will not accept that you are right in this.
The fact is, he doesn't need to agree
This is unacceptable for you, that is all you need to tell him
He doesn't want to be the bad guy so is projecting on you; the amount of partners doing this on this board is ridiculous, just read others to see it.
He won't take responsibility, he doesn't have to - that is the key here for you to progress - you are in the right - look after yourself.
He has done this and it is not acceptable to you.
Don't argue with him about it there is no point
Take care

The things he is saying to you now is absolutely despicable. Don't swallow ANY of it.

Agree 100% with louisianafalls.

Don't engage with him at all. There's absolutely no point.

He won't admit he's doing anything wrong and he will continue to belittle you and abuse you.

Op, I've had a male friend for nearly 20 years. We met at work and hit it off, but as mates only. We worked together for 10 years, we'd have lunch a few times a week, our own sandwiches, shared table works canteen etc. Both our spouses knew about it, totally platonic. We didn't text each other, nor contact each other weekends, it was just a work friendship. I moved away ( obviously with dh) and we still exchange Christmas cards, a few phone calls a few times a year, all out in the open, other half aware.
What I'm saying is it is possible to have a long-term non sexual relationship with someone. Your husband has over stepped the mark with this woman. Having sexual fantasies is not acceptable. Sending daily kisses is not acceptable either.
He has checked out of your marriage and you . He also sounds very immature.

should read spouses all aware

I hope your sister can talk some sense into you.

He does not deserve a second chance, nothing about what has happened between them but his reaction and stating he will have her as a friend reveals that his very nature is selfish and disrespectful of you.

I strongly suspect he was already emotionally abusive towards you, I am very suspicious as to why he seems to be into women much younger than himself- likely as they are easier to control...

I agree, stop talking to him about this, he will never agree. You are eating your energy.

This is what I would do.

Stop talking to him about it. If he says anything, say that you’ve thought about what he said about it just being a friendship and you are going to work on your own issues and get some counselling.

Book yourself some counselling sessions now. You need to tell the counsellor what you’ve said here and they will help you work out what YOU want to do. Maybe another RL perspective will help you see that your own anger and hurt are normal and legitimate and that your husband is lying through his teeth.

Your husband has made the choices clear . Stay and put up with his affair or leave.

Which one do you want ?

Every single person on this thread is advising you to do the second - leave ( as in divorce him - you are the main carer and have young children so he needs to leave ).

But you have to make this decision in your own time. And I also suggest that you plan this very carefully and get legal advice and all paperwork in order BEFORE you tell him. If that’s what you decide to do.

Am I correct I’m thinking that you are 43 and have primary aged children and you are legally married ? I mean not just a religious marriage or what some people call “ common law“.

You say you are getting “ state money “ - Do you mean benefits as neither or you work ? Why do you think this would change much if you divorced him ?

Is there any reason that you couldn’t get a part time job once you left him ?

Things are maybe not as bad as you paint them. He would have to pay child support for his children ( unless he had then 50% of the time ).

Remember you are doing 100% of everything now that he has left you.

BTW do NOT allow him to come and see the children are your house. Insist that they go to his mothers or he takes them out somewhere.

Your say he’s 61 and retired. Obviously that’s not the state pension as he’s too young so I assume you mean he has an occupational pension.

You also say you have grandchildren so you’ve been married for at least 20 years. So you would be entitled to a share of that pension - it’s part of the marital assets. It’s money he was able to earn / save because you were doing his share of the housework and childcare - so please don’t say you “ don’t want anything from him “.

The law recognises your contribution to this.

I am gobsmacked about how cruel he is being? He tells you that he doesn't like you, would choose her if he could and will leave you in a few years. And yet you are in the wrong for objecting?

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

This man is a grade A cunt.

How utterly insulting that he should make you listen to his absurd reasoning, let alone believe it.

Stop listening. Hopefully your sister will echo our voices and start to undo the awful conditioning you've been subjected to.

He keeps coming back to not getting her involved and leave her out it.

I note that he didn't tell her to leave you out of THEIR conversations

He is doing the classic gaslighting and is running through 'the script' (am sure someone on here can link to that) which is basically

• denial
• you're the one with the problem
• you are mad/demented/jealous/crazy
• anger to try and make it that YOU are the problem and that his disloyal behaviour is perfectly acceptable.

He's doing all of this. I hope you took photos of the texts you saw. I would be sending them to this 'friend' and asking them what kind of 'friend' behaves like this. If one of my friend's husbands, even one that I get along very well with, started texting me like this I would be straight telling his wife what was going on. She has betrayed you and so has he. I would spend some time today finding out what income and assets he has and then try to sort out your next move, whatever you want that to be.

I'm so sorry.

Oh OP, he is an awful, manipulative twat.
You can’t control how he acts, but you can control where you go from here. The only person that can change this situation right now is you and that’s powerful.
Please consider LTB (I never say this, this is my first), this is no way to live.