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Original poster

Is my DO having an affair?

277 replies

brightside20 · 21/09/2019 21:40

Hello all.

Going through DP phone tonight.

Came across a conversation between them and a long time mutual friend.

They have been talking everyday. 100s of messages.
Some of them are about me. And how awful I am.
Messages about their weekly coffee meet ups.
Multiple kisses on every message.
He's sending a good morning message everyday.
Silly names for each other again used everyday.
Inside jokes.
Some flirty banter etc.

They have similar interests etc. So am I reading too much into this?

TIA. Don't know what to think and panicking.

OP posts:
fantasmasgoria1 · 21/09/2019 21:58

I reckon he is cheating. But the fact he has been saying how horrible you are to this woman should be making you boot him out. I would be questioning whether he has any good feelings at all for you. Honestly just get rid of the arsehole.

Ebonyandivory2 · 21/09/2019 21:59

He’s either cheating or wants to cheat. Either way it doesn’t look good

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:00

He acts like a puppy when she is around at gatherings. They always seem to be able to finish sentences etc which is why I didn't think anything as they have always been like that. But I had no idea about the messages. I cannot even bring myself to repeat some of them.

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 21/09/2019 22:01

My Ex Husband did exactly this with an 18 year old girl (who I thought was a friend). He also texted her song lyrics, including John Legend "All of Me". He said horrible things about me to her (I have digital copies of every text sent between the three of them). They were vile. It was the beginning of the end, as she encouraged him to go OLD and he started a full affair with some other woman.

Ditch him. You are not his focus or the centre of his world.

Loveislandaddict · 21/09/2019 22:02

Definitely an emotional affair, and highly inappropriate.

You say nothing physical could have happened, and yet you say they meet weekly ‘for coffee’, and you didn’t know about these rendezvous.

That level of contact, and the intimacy of it is unreasonable. Maybe he doesn’t realise what’s going on and really believes they are just good friends.

Bad-mouthing you is wrong also. Maybe an odd. Moment if, say you’d been in a grumpy mood that day, but not too say how awful you are. He should be supporting and defending you. If it’s her doing the bad-mouthing, then why is she doing so.

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:03

Trawling through them she has defended me a few times. And reigned him in but other times she has been as bad as him.

It's so upsetting that he is telling her secrets and his hopes and dreams that don't include me

OP posts:
Cosytoes111 · 21/09/2019 22:04

Sending messages of just kisses doesn’t sound good to me. The whole thing sounds terrible.

Defo emotional affair. I’m so sorry Flowers

Get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave him

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:04

Contact is constant. Multiple times a day all day every day. No subject out of bounds contact iykwim

OP posts:
aweedropofsancerre · 21/09/2019 22:06

Time to find your inner rage and confront him. The idea that my DH would be messaging another woman every day and ridiculing me would be enough to chuck him out. I may have a laugh with friends on a rare basis if my DH is an ass but we dont message daily

mrssoap · 21/09/2019 22:07

None of that is normal. If nothing else, the talking bad about you is out of order, what's his excuse for that then?

TitsInAbsentia · 21/09/2019 22:08

They may not be doing the deed right now but sounds like if the circs were different they would be. Dump him.

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:09

He's told her he's with me for the kids and as soon as they finish uni he's done.

She's started to ask if it's a good or bad day with me around.

I haven't heard from her for a good few months apart from passing

OP posts:
Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:09

The subject of another time another place has been mentioned but I brushed it off as a joke.

OP posts:
NewStart571 · 21/09/2019 22:11

It just gets worse OP. What are you getting out of this relationship other than your self esteem being destroyed?

He sounds like a twat of the highest order.

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:12

I cannot leave as I would have nothing. All I have are my state money.
He has everything else.

I can't get my head around it. He has never been a flirt but some of the messages are bordering on bloody porn

OP posts:
Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:13

I've asked him again what is going on and again they are really close friends and that's it. The messages are 2 friends venting and having a banter.

OP posts:
peanutbutterandbanana · 21/09/2019 22:14

How long have you been married, OP?

This behaviour is very disloyal. Has he behaved differently towards you recently? Have you had any inkling that something is wrong with your relationship?

He's certainly got some explaining to do - hope you have taken a photo of those texts so that you can show them to him and ask him to explain. Leave lots of silences for him to fill. Poor you Flowers

ConfCall · 21/09/2019 22:14

Take legal advice and ascertain what’s what in terms of money and the house before you do anything else OP. Get yourself prepared. End it with him on your terms in your time - don’t wait for him to finish it. This is not salvageable so you need to be practical.

I’m so sorry.

Loveislandaddict · 21/09/2019 22:14

Hope you are okay? You must be seething.

Sounds like he has checked out of your marriage, and is biding his time for the sake of the children. Are they near a-level year?

I would start making plans, without him!

PicsInRed · 21/09/2019 22:15

Divorce him now.

How old are the kids? He'll want to wait until the kids leave home to reduce your settlement upon divorce, sneaky fuck.

Make an appointment with a good solicitor - Monday.

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:15

Married 12 years.
Nothing really changed at all. Not that I know of anyway.

The serious heavy messaging started a year ago. Even bitching about us all at Xmas

OP posts:
PrettyPurse · 21/09/2019 22:15

@brightside20 - he has betrayed you. Would he choose you if you gave him an ultimatum?

You're worth more then this

peanutbutterandbanana · 21/09/2019 22:17

If the messages are 'porn' then they have definitely stepped over a line physically. If you have been married a long time then he will have to give you at least half of whatever he has accumulated during your marriage. He can do that kindly or make it difficult. What an absolute tosser.

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:17

They are in primary school.

Was really hoping you were all going to tell me I was being paranoid.
I wouldn't have even seen the messages if it hadn't of been for the school texting.

I don't know what I'm feeling.

OP posts:
PrettyPurse · 21/09/2019 22:17

Can also just say OP that l never have photographic conversations with my friend....and the one friend that did overstep was cut of immediately

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