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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my DO having an affair?

277 replies

brightside20 · 21/09/2019 21:40

Hello all.

Going through DP phone tonight.

Came across a conversation between them and a long time mutual friend.

They have been talking everyday. 100s of messages.
Some of them are about me. And how awful I am.
Messages about their weekly coffee meet ups.
Multiple kisses on every message.
He's sending a good morning message everyday.
Silly names for each other again used everyday.
Inside jokes.
Some flirty banter etc.

They have similar interests etc. So am I reading too much into this?

TIA. Don't know what to think and panicking.

OP posts:
wildcherries · 21/09/2019 23:56

Every update is worse. Please talk to a solicitor and find out where you stand. Awful behaviour towards you and the children. I'm stunned reading this.

Ginger1982 · 21/09/2019 23:56

And don't feel sorry for her FFS!!

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:57

No she has not read message but assuming she has seen it come up. She is abroad at the moment.
He is livid

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 21/09/2019 23:59

He is obviously livid because she's told him.

Mine pop up on my phone and I can see what they say without opening them.

Don't feel sorry for her.

She deserves respect? what about respect for you? what about when she and he were bitching about you? where's the respect there? what about when they were talking about sexual things? where was the respect there for you?

OP you deserve so much better than this.

wildcherries · 21/09/2019 23:59

Because you caught him and isn't doing what he tells you to

Jellybeansincognito · 21/09/2019 23:59

@brightside20 why is he livid?

He’s disgusting.

readitandwept · 21/09/2019 23:59

Discussed preferences for what?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/09/2019 00:00

Do I remember you saying that he's told her he's waiting for the kids to grow up and then he'll leave you? What's his excuse for that? that's not banter

He'll lie through his teeth and make out that it was - that it was just 'a joke between close friends' and that 'anybody with any sense would realise that he wasn't being serious'.

He's text saying that if I can start to try to understand him like she does we could work it out.
That they have a connection and that she is important to him

She most certainly IS 'important to him' - and there's no innocent friendship about it whatsoever. His brazen gaslighting and trying to transfer the blame to you for 'not understanding', even more so his making out that YOU need to (or would actually now want to) adjust YOUR behaviour to 'work it out' is utterly filthy disgusting.

T1gerEye · 22/09/2019 00:00

This sounds familiar. You've posted about him before?

If you don't want to leave him then it's a case of putting up with it I'm afraid. He's told her he'll be off when he gets the opportunity. I'd personally be looking to hurry that day up

Original poster
brightside20 · 22/09/2019 00:01

Because I've dragged her into my attention seeking games.

That I cannot accept that he has friends and that she is getting attention I think I deserve.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightside20 · 22/09/2019 00:02

No haven't posted before.

OP posts:
Cloudyyy · 22/09/2019 00:02

He is horrible!!!!

Original poster
brightside20 · 22/09/2019 00:02

Sexual preferences and the like.

OP posts:
Jellybeansincognito · 22/09/2019 00:04

You should reply that you wouldn’t have to play attention seeking games (you’re not) if your partner was loyal and not going behind your back building an emotional affair.

Original poster
brightside20 · 22/09/2019 00:04

He only loves her as a close friend and anything to suggest more is ridiculous and I'm grasping at straws for attention.
I cannot accept that someone might like him for him and not want anything in return.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightside20 · 22/09/2019 00:05

He refuses to believe in emotional affairs.

OP posts:
wildcherries · 22/09/2019 00:06

Get out of there. This will eat you up otherwise. Feel for you.

Jellybeansincognito · 22/09/2019 00:07

You need to stop talking to him, he’s abusive, a gaslighter and also trying to manipulate and blame you. You’ll never get anywhere in conversation with him.

You’ve seen with your own eyes and instead of being worried about you he’s worried about the consequences with the other women.

Please please please find some respect and love for yourself and realise that you deserve better.

x

Original poster
brightside20 · 22/09/2019 00:09

He keeps coming back to not getting her involved and leave her out it. He refuses to have a bad word said about her.
I told him I was his wife and he should be saying that about me. He told me to start acting like one.

All this is new to me as we have never had major issue.
She seems to have a hold over him. But he is willing to stay until the kids leave home on the basis that they can contact each other

OP posts:
Winterlife · 22/09/2019 00:10

The issue isn’t the friendship. It’s the disrespect to you. My husband would never complain about me to anyone nor I about him.

Prepay some bills from your joint account. See a solicitor about support and child maintenance. Go back to work.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 22/09/2019 00:10

It doesn't matter if he doesn't believe it. You do and as a 'loving partner' he should be listening to your concerns and discussing it with you calmly rather than acting like an idiot who has immediately run off to his Mum's and is now sending you nasty messages.

It's not innocent, it's clear it isn't however, say it was. He should be backing off from this woman and trying to make sure you felt secure in your relationship rather than the opposite.

readitandwept · 22/09/2019 00:11

He's 61. Your kids (plural) are in primary school and he was planning to leave you when they get to uni. So what, at very least another 7 years?? Tell him he best go now and indulge in these sexual preferences while he's able. Sad sod.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 22/09/2019 00:11

He wants to have his cake AND eat it - and he thinks that, by trying to convince you that you are worthless and don't deserve any better (both of which are completely and absolutely 100% lies), he can do just that.... at least whilst he bides his time until it suits him to drop you like a hot stone and make out that it was all because of your 'unreasonable behaviour' and maybe even 'mental health issues and/or paranoia' - or at worst 'it was 50/50 equal blame between you' - to try and stop you from taking him to the cleaners when he DOES make his escape (and he most definitely will when he thinks it the best time for HIM - as the adage goes 'when somebody shows you clearly who they are, believe them').

readitandwept · 22/09/2019 00:11

Sorry, it was actually when they finish uni! Blimey.

ThatCurlyGirl · 22/09/2019 00:12

Try really really hard (I know it feels impossible at the moment) to disengage at least for the evening.

You need to leave him of course he is AWFUL and I even think it's gone from gaslighting to outright bullying. He's a nasty piece of work.

Take things in bite size chunks - for tonight put your phone in another room and disengage from texting back and forth.

He is speaking to you in an appalling way and nothing good will come from talking to him tonight, he's battering your confidence with every message.

You can take another step tomorrow as you know you need to leave him, but for tonight try to disengage before he can send any more horrible messages.

I'm so sorry OP I know how painful this is Thanks

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