Is my DO having an affair?

[brightside20]

Hello all.

Going through DP phone tonight.

Came across a conversation between them and a long time mutual friend.

They have been talking everyday. 100s of messages.
Some of them are about me. And how awful I am.
Messages about their weekly coffee meet ups.
Multiple kisses on every message.
He's sending a good morning message everyday.
Silly names for each other again used everyday.
Inside jokes.
Some flirty banter etc.

They have similar interests etc. So am I reading too much into this?

TIA. Don't know what to think and panicking.

I hope you're ok OP. This whole thread makes for deeply unpleasant reading. Betrayal is gut wrenching on its own merit but being made to feel that you're imagining it (I.e gaslighting) is just appalling.

Stay focused and don't be drawn into arguments with him. You do not need to defend yourself because he is entirely at fault. When does your sister arrive? Are your children okay? Do you intend on contacting a solicitor tomorrow? Have you been able to take copies of all the texts?

Sorry for all the questions. I just want to sharpen your mind to the tasks ahead. You deserve so much more than this. Stay strong.

You mentioned earlier that he said his ex is crazy. I am suspicious. Did he do the same to her I wonder.

The emotional affair is bloody horrible, but the way he's reacting now is even worse. He cares so, so little about your feelings being hurt, he's gaslighting you, he's making you feel guilty for all the things he has done wrong. What if you had had those same conversations with a single man?
I don't think you need to have any further conversations about whether the messages were inappropriate or not. Just say that after taking advice, you have been informed that the messages are deemed an affair, and then grey rock him.

I strongly suspect he was already emotionally abusive towards you, I am very suspicious as to why he seems to be into women much younger than himself- likely as they are easier to control...

I totally agree with RandomMess.

And a 'crazy ex' is another red flag.

Putting it all on you, your failings, your inadequacies etc is the way adulterers rationalise their foul behavior.

You have to shrug off his insults.

Stop asking him about his affair. Make sure you have all the evidence you need.

Be cold and distant but ever so polite from now on.

Go to a solicitor at once and start divorce proceedings. Get going. Protect yourself.

And don’t bother contacting the other woman. If it wasn’t her, it would have someone else.

Do not give her the satisfaction of any drama. She might even revel in it. Ever speak to her again. Maintain your dignity.

This is devastating for you. But it will destroy you if you stay with him.

Hello all.
Thank you all so much for your support.

I have not heard from him this morning. I have my sister coming for lunch so won't be alone.

I think I'm coming to the decision of never letting him in the door again.

Thank you again.

Wow! He's good, isn't he? What a piece of work, behaving so far beyond the realms of acceptable, and yet almost getting you to believe that you're that one who's being unreasonable!

But, you know what? It actually is irrelevant what he thinks is OK. He has crossed your line (and then some!) and no one gets to tell you where your line is. You don't want to be in a marriage where behaviour like his is part of the package, so therefore you're out.

And, if you're married, he needs to wise up to the fact that half of everything he has is yours, whether you work (outside the home) or not.

Good to read that you are seeing him for who he is!

You can do the Freedom programme on line, absolutely worth doing.

He doesn't get to choose. The choice to stay or go is yours.

I've been in this situation- you will be messed about. He'll be making plans with her. My ex was an arse when I found out - just like yours. I described it as a man with a plan - he knows he can run to her. You take control and get things in order. Please go and see a solicitor to see where you stand.

You need to speak to all concerned as there is something going on.
No-one I know txt another person daily/nightly that`s just not normal adult behaviour.
I think you need to re-evaluate you marriage.

What a pile of crap op. So sorry he is being such a gaslighting t*at. You know the deal though... somethin similar happened to me years ago. I was with my partner for 12 years. 3 small children. He had always gad thia friend he was very close to who often found herself in bad places and hed be the first there to help her. Spoke to her regularly and sae her too. Never once doubted him. Our relationship went sour and it took him 1 week to come in the open with his and hers relationship after we split up. Later i found they had been seeing each other long before.
He is having an affair, full stop. And the fact he is making his choices so clear (he wants to stay with you but she stays too) says he has more attachment and respect for her than for you. Sorry youre going through this. On better news... after my experience ( he is still with her 4 years later and have 2 children) and i have found my soul mate and have been with him for 3 years. I think things happen for a reason and theres better things awaiting you love.

I’d keep that thought in your head op 💐💐

You sound stronger brightside with your latest update. So much good advice from posters here.

You are not alone.

Protect yourself.

Stand strong. He's gaslighting you and will continue to do so. You cannot doubt what you've read and seen, so don't let him bully you back into submission. Sorry OP, he sounds like an absolute arsehole and it must hurt terribly. But you're stronger than you think. Don't take anymore bullshit from him; he's clearly not going to concede anything so he needs to see that you you aren't either.

OP I was in a very similar position about 15 years ago but without the proof of texts. I hadn't worked since I had my children who were 3 and 8 at the time. He offered me £10,000 to leave the family home, whilst still saying it was in my head. Considering the house was worth over £500000 he was having a laugh. Anyway one good solicitor later and I got the lions share of the equity.. enough to buy a smaller house nearby along with child support etc. It's possible and 100% better to be away from men like this. My kids are grown up now, all the better for not living with him. You can do it!

Ps he was having an affair with his ex wife! Which also went tits up!

Sorry to hear this OP. But even if it's not an affair, you can't carry on living with a man who says he's only staying with you for the children. He clearly has no respect for you at all. You deserve better.

The fact that he says his ex was mad is probably worth thinking about. Maybe she was in that same position as you and he's convinced everyone that she was to blame.

For your children's sake though need to get this sorted. I would ask him not to come back for a few months and see how things pan out.

He is livid? What a fucking prick! I would message her and tell her to fuck off and stop messaging my husband, then tell him to have some bloody respect for you or to pack his bags and leave. I would be beyond furious!

He is gaslighting the ever living fuck out of you! Making you think it’s all in your head and that you’re paranoid and overreacting. That’s emotional abuse through and through! He’s manipulating you! Don’t fall for his bullshit!

Off-load him which I think will shock him because he doesn’t believe you have enough self-worth to stand up for yourself!

You deserve a million times better than him!

Stay strong, OP. He doesn't get to decide what is acceptable for you or where your boundaries lie. Hang onto that anger and use it to frame your future. Such despicable behaviour from him, and the gaslighting is lower than the proverbial snake's belly.

So sorry OP, he is an unrepentant cheat. Don't let him bully you into swallowing his bullshit

Tell him to piss right off. He's only trying to stay with you because he knows deep down your 43 year old so called friend wouldn't touch his wrinkly ass and it's fantasy and a laugh for her.

You'd be totally right to phone her up and ask why on earth she is talking about sex with your husband and bitching about you behind your back and she should be ashamed of herself.

Tell them both to fuck off and carry on their sordid little text affair

So sorry you are going through this op. He is gaslighting you and staying at his parents expecting you to beg him to come back. He is over investing in this friendship and has crossed the boundaries by slagging you off and discussing sex with her

You didn't drag her into this, HE DID!
Disclosing personal matters within your relationship to his 'friend' might not be beyond his boundaries but he needs to know it's beyond yours. And if he can't respect that...... fuck him off!
Just because he has no boundaries, doesn't make him right.
Any man that can't respect his wife in any such way needs binning off.
Tell him, he doesn't have to wait till the kids are at Uni..... tell him to go try his 'preferences' out on her now..... I'm pretty sure she'll tell him to jog on too..... after all, she knows he holds no respect for his wife, so what respect will he hold for her?
Your well rid!
Stay strong OP..... you got this 💪🏼

OP he is totally gaslighting you and turning to anger as he can not accept that he is COMPLETELY in the wrong here. As is the OW. That are behaving appallingly. Get out of this relationship. Take him for what you can. I would never say this but he is a monster and needs to be taught a lesson. And print out the texts and send them to anyone who dares take his side.