Is my DO having an affair?

[brightside20]

Hello all.

Going through DP phone tonight.

Came across a conversation between them and a long time mutual friend.

They have been talking everyday. 100s of messages.
Some of them are about me. And how awful I am.
Messages about their weekly coffee meet ups.
Multiple kisses on every message.
He's sending a good morning message everyday.
Silly names for each other again used everyday.
Inside jokes.
Some flirty banter etc.

They have similar interests etc. So am I reading too much into this?

TIA. Don't know what to think and panicking.

My counsellor once said to be even flirting is cheating. Because it breaks a boundary within a committed relationship. Cheating isn’t just physical.
How would he feel if you was doing this? x

So sorry OP, he sounds like an utter bastard.

If for one minute you doubt what he says about them being friends... Read the book 'not just friends'. what he's doing /saying is textbook for having an affair.

Even if he's not having an affair of any kind (monumentally unlikely) he has chosen her over you hasn't he? His reaction to you cottoning on is all you need to know. He is more upset 'livid'- how fucking dare he be! - about you upsetting his precious 'friend' sending her a text, than he is at the prospect of losing his marriage.

Please don't engage with him/reply to him until you've been to a solicitor and got your ducks in a row. If anything I'd be tempted to say 'sorry, I might have over reacted, I need a few days to get my head straight please can you stay at your mums and not contact me'. To throw him off the scent while you prepare to take him down. He sounds so arrogant he will be expecting you to take him back with an apology!

I'm so cross for you, what a gaslighting prick.
You deserve so much better and will get through this 💐

I think things can't have been perfectly fine before this as you wouldn't have been checking his phone. You did that because you had nagging doubts. They have now been confirmed.

He sounds very controling. You need to not contact him or reply to him for now. I'd want a divorce. He has zero respect for you.

What was your sisters take on all of this ?

OP he is a grade A wanker. He’s manipulative, selfish and a bully. He has zero respect for you. The gaslighting is so blatant. He takes you for granted so much that he’ll assume you’ll let this all go. Not once in any of your posts is there a shred of evidence of him thinking about you and how you might be feeling right now. You deserve so much better. Let them have each other. Absolute pair of losers.

You need to be very clear with him that you will not be discussing or debating whether it was inappropriate it or not. Tell him it was, and it's not up for discussion.

If he tries to argue or say anything about it then tell him the conversation is over.
Do not listen to him accusing you of anything at all.

It was/is an emotional affair. It is completely inappropriate. No one would say any different. He is gaslighting you and trying to twist things. Do not engage.

...he trusts her more than me and she would be the first choice if the kids weren’t in the picture.

Your husband is in love with OW. After your discovery, his first instinct was to protect her, not you. This is absolutely an affair. He is cheating on you emotionally and sexually (sexting). They could be having sex, or planning to, when they meet up.

OP, this man is a controlling narcissist who is enraged that you are not complying with his lying and manipulation. He is working to get you back in line with his agenda. He is determined to keep OW. He is taking you for a fool, and his contempt is despicable.

This would be the end of my marriage. I would not tolerate this utter disrespect, and I would not expose my children to this toxic relationship model.

I could of written your post op my dh dickhead husband that is has done the same thing except he then started using WhatsApp so the texts and calls didn’t show on the phone bill the messages were then deleted he sent her my private messages to him to her he claims they are just friends as well and in 4 years I don’t think he has got anywhere with her but that’s not the point he is currently claiming to have blocked all contact with her and promises he won’t contact her but I’ve heard it all before a million times so am planning on separating from him

I could have written this years ago except for the ages. Initially I thought emotional affair, but they had been sleeping together. He would meet her at lunch or before he nipped out food shopping. Their messages changed and became serious after the sex started. He also swore they were just friends and i was crazy to think otherwise.

Pornographic sexual messages are cheating to me. But whatever this is, it is well past typical friend behavior. You deserve better and I am glad you are realising that

You are worth so much more. Leave him, know your worth!

He’s actually infatuated with a scenario / relationship that isn’t even real.
Leave him to it, do what’s best for you and your dc.
He’s not thought once about any of you so make sure you return the favour.
Ive Been there, he’s going to be the one with regret not you 💐

Perhaps you could text and say "I'm still struggling with this. I just need a little more time alone to let things calm down and come to terms with everything." Which would be truthful, but buy you extra time to get your legal ducks in order.

Let his lying, cheating, degrading ass continue to think he's got you under control. And then, when you're ready, show him he's wrong.

And PLEASE don't feel sorry for her! She knows exactly what she's doing, and she doesn't have any sympathy for you.

Strength 💪to you! 💐

I don't think you could ever get over this if you stayed with him, and this is the beginning of the end.
How could you ever trust the entitled arrogant bastard ever again.
Like others have said start getting your ducks in a row.
Good luck - you ou will be OK in the end💐💐💐

I could have written this post OP. It happened to me nearly 3 years ago. It's a very cruel thing to do to anyone, not to mention humiliating for you. I feel for you - I actually felt sick reading it all. He doesn't deserve you. Stay strong and dont let him convince you it's just friends either. Expect him to be pissed off with you reading his messages.

It’s the gaslighting that messes with your head my dh blames me oh and Mumsnet none of this is at all his fault. And he also doesn’t believe in emotional affairs. In my situation there wasn’t even any sexting flirting yes that he passed as banter. He also did the stand off staying at him mums until I changed my behaviour he did it 4 times the first time I did ask him to come home to work things out after that I left him to it and he always came home when he got bored and made fake promises of cutting contact unfortunately his mum now has dementia so him moving there isn’t an option so I am stuck with him until one of us can afford to move out

His behaviour lying gaslighting etc has changed me as a person I am more anxious my confidence and self esteem are low now and I don’t think I will ever trust people like I did before

Pride goeth before a fall.... most of the time these gaslighting, narcissistic arseholes simply can’t admit to themselves (let alone their imaginary adoring public) that they are the bad guy. You will have been carrying the emotional and practical load for your family for years while he’s been tiring out to text this younger Barbie that makes him feel good about his wrinkly arse. He’s got a whole inner world with her by his side and you as a shrieking harpy (because he turned you into this to suit his narrative).

@brightside20 I hope you've had some good support from your sister.

"I cannot leave as I would have nothing. All I have are my state money.
He has everything else."

It is really confusing when people say DP and he is actually DH.

If you are married you have legal rights and he has legal obligations. Sorry for him.

OP it is really hard, but if you got righteously ANGRY and threw him out? Lived from that moment onwards as though you were alone? Banned him from family events in your home which you now declared was a safe, non lying non third party space and let the chips fall as they were?

That is your strongest option and he would get a shock. Screen grab all those messages as your reason and let him know that you are thinking of telling the family why you have thrown him out.

I was far too weak to do this and as a result I didn't get his respect. Even the counsellor said 'he has learned he has got away with it' (as I did the pick me dance and focused on 'reconciling'.

I should have thrown him out and banned him from the home and I was told to do it. They don't want to lose their families at the end of the day, but their selfishness and lack of respect gets in the way.

DO NOT contact OW.

This is between you and him, how he treats you and what you accept.

I'm so sorry OP, even if it's not an affair (unlikely sorry! ) it's not ok to bitch about you to anyone especially a mutual friend! What do you want to do OP?

I agree don’t contact the ow I did and she she contacted me numerous times but he had given her the script my wife is controlling doesn’t let me have friends she has mh issues that whenever I tried to explain my feelings and what was really going on she didn’t believe me and that just gave them something else to slag me off about

Hope you are ok op and that you got some good advice off your sister

Funny isn't it how many blokes just don't believe in emotional affairs, 'it's just an intense friendship' etc , one where normal boundaries of common sense and decency to the woman in your life doing all life's donkey work seems to go to the wind . I would tell him to bugger off OP, leave him to it, as someone said before, don't be an option in someone's life, be the priority or don't bother.

Yes and these ‘intense friendships’ are never with a bloke....

are you ok @brightside20

OP the messages and the intense relationship between your DP and this woman are one thing - bad enough in themselves, it is not normal and not acceptable when he is in a relationship with you.
BUT, his response when you questioned him is worse! He is treating you like garbage. Zero respect, zero compassion. Just gaslighting lies and insults.
Sorry OP but he doesn't sound like someone you should be wasting our life on. Good luck.