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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my DO having an affair?

277 replies

brightside20 · 21/09/2019 21:40

Hello all.

Going through DP phone tonight.

Came across a conversation between them and a long time mutual friend.

They have been talking everyday. 100s of messages.
Some of them are about me. And how awful I am.
Messages about their weekly coffee meet ups.
Multiple kisses on every message.
He's sending a good morning message everyday.
Silly names for each other again used everyday.
Inside jokes.
Some flirty banter etc.

They have similar interests etc. So am I reading too much into this?

TIA. Don't know what to think and panicking.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 21/09/2019 23:08

Who cares, its way beyond normal friendship.

Let him stay at his mother's.

VaggieMight · 21/09/2019 23:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at poster's request.

UniversalAunt · 21/09/2019 23:10

Ach, the updates came in as I was typing.
What’s done is done.
Get the documentation copied.
Get yourself to a good divorce lawyer - Law Society online register will have divorce listed in your area.

solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

christinarossetti19 · 21/09/2019 23:10

Sorry, I didn't mean to sound so blunt.

First things first. Try to get some sleep. Is there anyone you can call either now or first thing tomorrow to come round and be with you/help with the children?

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:10

I was willing to except them talking etc because men and women can be friends.

It did seem like the subject of the inside jokes was a bit ott.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:11

I have my sister coming over to help me tomorrow.
My other family live a long way away.

OP posts:
Treestreestrees · 21/09/2019 23:12

So sorry op. He’s not the loving partner you deserve.

AllTheGlitter · 21/09/2019 23:14

What a horrible situation. So sorry you’re going through this.

Flowers
MyKingdomForBrie · 21/09/2019 23:16

God he's vile the way he's gaslighting you. So sorry this has happened but he's really not a nice person at all x

Dawninglory · 21/09/2019 23:19

Sorry OP but there's more than just banter going on. Totally unacceptable to speak to friends like that, if it was the other way around he would not accept you talking to a Male friend like that. Sounds like he thinks your marriage is over, I would divorce him if he was my husband. No man that loves you would treat you with so little respect

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:21

He's text me saying that I should be ashamed at attacking someone who isn't around to defend herself.
That I'm jealous of her and that if anything had been going on it would be obvious. They haven't even so much as hugged each other.
That I should be great full that he has someone to talk to and vent at and that if I should try that and then I would understand.
I told him again that the subject of sex didn't need to be discussed and he said that as they are friends there are no boundaries in subject and she wanted to help him mend our marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:22

He said the sex talk was a joke between them and it meant nothing

OP posts:
everyonecaneffoff · 21/09/2019 23:22

Gaslighting. Block and ignore for a while. Solicitor on Monday.
The fuckwit is having an emotional affair.

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:23

Sorry hit the wrong button.
And that if he had vented to a male friend there would be no issue and that it's my ideas that are at fault.

OP posts:
emojisarentwords · 21/09/2019 23:24

I would be beyond pissed off if I'm addition to all the cute flirty messages there were messages talking about how awful I am. Doesn't look good OP you need to bin this man.

emojisarentwords · 21/09/2019 23:24

In addition to*

TamarindCove · 21/09/2019 23:25

Tell him that if he honestly thinks that number and content of messages is acceptable in a marriage then he needs his bumps read.

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:27

He says the number of messages isn't a problem because it's an ongoing conversation

OP posts:
Toffeecakes · 21/09/2019 23:30

He’s gaslighting you and minimising his behaviour to make you think you’re the one with the problem. The reason he doesn’t want you to contact her is either because she’ll tell you things you didn’t already know or because it’s hassle and she’ll ditch him.

Don’t let the arsehole back in, go to a solicitor and see what your entitlement is, then make sure you take what is yours. You don’t deserve this treatment.

CharityConundrum · 21/09/2019 23:31

she wanted to help him mend our marriage.

Well, that's gone really fucking well hasn't it? How does bitching with a third party help your marriage? He's full of it and you're too good to be wasting your life on his twattishness - leave him to this shit fest and enjoy not having to worry about what nonsensical bullshit he's tying to peddle.

Cloudyyy · 21/09/2019 23:32

It’s not up to him to decide ALONE what is acceptable in your JOINT marriage. It is for you both to agree on what is acceptable within your marriage (and clearly his actions are far beyond the remit of any marriage I have ever known). He doesn’t get to decide what you find acceptable, you do.

Mothership4two · 21/09/2019 23:34

I am with everyone else - go see a solicitor and protect yourself. You may not want anything from him but you are entitled to half.

His behaviour is not normal. You are perfectly reasonable to be upset. It sounds likely that they are having an affair or were gearing up for one. He does not have any respect for you. Don't let him twist your feelings.

Good luck OP Flowers

Geppili · 21/09/2019 23:34

Gaslighting

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:36

Apparently he hasn't bitched about me just stated the facts of living with someone like me.

He just won't admit that he overstepped the boundaries with her.
I don't care if nothing physical happened because I think it would of if he got rid of me.
He is adamant that they are friends and that I'm going to regret dragging innocent people into the mess I've. Created with my imagination

OP posts:
readitandwept · 21/09/2019 23:36

I take it the older kids are his OP? Was he married before? What does he say about his ex?

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