Is my DO having an affair?

[brightside20]

Hello all.

Going through DP phone tonight.

Came across a conversation between them and a long time mutual friend.

They have been talking everyday. 100s of messages.
Some of them are about me. And how awful I am.
Messages about their weekly coffee meet ups.
Multiple kisses on every message.
He's sending a good morning message everyday.
Silly names for each other again used everyday.
Inside jokes.
Some flirty banter etc.

They have similar interests etc. So am I reading too much into this?

TIA. Don't know what to think and panicking.

Never married before. GC are a previous partners.
Ex partner apparently crazy. Never met her.

This doesn't sound like anything can be salvaged 😔

Nobody deserves to be gaslighted of course but this is an especially nasty example.

What an absolute thundercunt.

Sometimes people do this shit in plain sight because then they can say well if it was bad I would have hidden it etc.

You deserve to not be made to feel shit by your partner. You do not deserve to be so disrespected.

Of course it would be different if it was a male friend because he presumably wouldn't joke with them about sex, being naked etc.

Poor you OP he's being a bully. He knows what he's doing is wrong, he just thinks he can persuade you otherwise.

He is convinced that I will come to my senses and everything will go back to normal when I realise my mistake.

As I expected! And you'll be branded the same.

But you'll know he truth and be free of him, at only 43, free to start over with someone who respects you.

Gaslighting and the ex is "crazy". Get legal advice at the very least. He sounds awful.

Before this I would of never believed he would do this. Had ups and downs but I wasn't aware of any of our issues.
I also wasn't aware that his actual dreams and hopes were different to the ones he told me.

This is all so far over the line. He's minimizing, deflecting, gaslighting, and playing the victim. Please make sure you screenshot as many of these messages as possible and email to yourself. Or use your phone, email to yourself and store a copy in the cloud.

If you can, don't engage over this for the moment. He's not staying at home right now so use this time. Get copies of finances, put birth certificates and passports somewhere safe. GET LEGAL ADVICE, Monday, if possible. Every step you take will help you build the confidence to end this on your terms, on your timeline.

I know the temptation to hope this will blow over and everything will go back to how it used to be is strong, but that's just not possible. You can't unsee what you saw or unread what you read.

Stay quiet and keep calm. And then, very soon, you can- Take. Him. Down.
Give him the surprise.
Pack his things and end it.
Do not let him see you coming!

She did defend me in the beginning and actually told him to help me around the house etc.
Then it switched all of a sudden and that's when it texting got serious and staring going a bit weird.

She was testing the water to be certain that he was serious about leaving you and quite possibly also goading him to slagging you off.

IF there had been any innocence whatsoever in their messages (hugely improbable), he would have reacted by apologising for his boundary crossing, for acting like a complete fool whose head was turned (I'm thinking Alan Rickman's character in Love Actually) and agreed to end contact with her right away, out of respect for you and your feelings and to prevent any more possibility of it going further. Instead, by gaslighting you and making out that YOU are the one with a problem, he's already very clearly setting out his stall.
So sorry he's put you in this position. As PPs have said, gather your evidence in a safe place and get your ducks in a row.

He’s been really disrespectful and the moment you saw those messages should be enough to tell you that, he’s now gaslighting you and making out that you’re the issue when you’re not at all.

I cannot believe the cheek of him. I’m so sorry op.

Thank you everyone.

I know I need to be rational but I just want to know absolutely everything as sick as it makes me.

Looking through social media it smacks me in the face. He follows her on everything, likes posts and photos.
Have had conversations on SM. How did I not notice?

I know the temptation to hope this will blow over and everything will go back to how it used to be is strong, but that's just not possible.

Agreed. This is exactly what he's counting on to keep you subservient whilst he carries on with his games. Don't let him.

I’m sorry. I’ve been through similar & it’s horrible. Who is she to him? How do they know each other?
This is absolutely not ok & I don’t know of any relationship where this is tolerated. He needs to see it’s not ok for him to do this. I think you both need marriage guidance counselling. All the best

He sounds such a horrible man.

He didn't feel the need to apologise as there was nothing wrong.

I think she might of goaded him a few times but instead of saying no he reacted and mentioned something inappropriate.

They had discussed preferences I didn't even know about.

They are friends. We have been friends longer but they have a lot in common and clicked when I introduced them first and have been friends since

How did I not notice?

Because you, unlike him, are a decent person who respected your marriage. Whatever you do, don't allow him to blame you for any of it and, for goodness' sake, don't even think about blaming yourself.

for you, OP.

Do I remember you saying that he's told her he's waiting for the kids to grow up and then he'll leave you? What's his excuse for that? that's not banter

Also, his point about if it was a male then you wouldn't have an issue. I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't be saying to a male friend that if they lived together he wouldn't be saying that his friend would never wear any clothes.

I've sat here trying to see things from his side but I honestly can't. He is trying to make you think you are going mad (is this gaslighting?) and has gone to stay at his 'mums' until you calm down and 'see how unreasonable you are being'. Sorry but if nothing is going on, as he keeps on insisting it hasn't, then he should be with you trying to explain the innocence of it all and comforting you instead of leaving you on your own - but he can't because he doesn't have a leg to stand on. How dare he treat you like this. Seriously you are going to have to accept that he is cheating and he has overstepped common decency to you with his ongoing behaviour. I feel so bad for you but you have got to get some strength from somewhere and see him for what he is. I would never be able to trust him again.

He's text saying that if I can start to try to understand him like she does we could work it out.
That they have a connection and that she is important to him

If I were you, I would transfer every single penny out of that joint account this minute (and right up to the overdraft limit if you have one) and first thing in the morning, contact a locksmith and get the locks changed.

His behaviour is utterly despicable. Christ, what a bastard.

YOU weren’t around when they were attacking YOU behind your back, were you? Fuckers!

That tells you everything OP, he isn’t worth your time or effort anymore. He’s gaslighted you and now making you feel inadequate, he’s a horrible person.

He is thinking of the kids and would choose me as I'm the mother of his children but she will be apart of his life. He cares deeply for her and she deserves respect too.
I'm beginning to feel sorry for her and the mess she's got into

So you messaged her, she didn't reply but he text you to tell you not to attack her? So she obviously told him you had messaged her?

Get your shit together and start planning to leave. Seriously. He does not love you. He does not respect you.