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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my DO having an affair?

277 replies

brightside20 · 21/09/2019 21:40

Hello all.

Going through DP phone tonight.

Came across a conversation between them and a long time mutual friend.

They have been talking everyday. 100s of messages.
Some of them are about me. And how awful I am.
Messages about their weekly coffee meet ups.
Multiple kisses on every message.
He's sending a good morning message everyday.
Silly names for each other again used everyday.
Inside jokes.
Some flirty banter etc.

They have similar interests etc. So am I reading too much into this?

TIA. Don't know what to think and panicking.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/09/2019 22:44

Of course it's an affair.

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:50

He's decided I'm jealous and need to get over myself.
He's going to stay at his parents house until I get over myself and start acting rationally.

He thinks I need to see someone for my issues and stop dragging innocent people into our marriage and our mess. And to think of what I'm doing to other people for once.
I'm fuming. Told him to stay there full stop.
Sure his mother will be here soon. She loves that friend HmmAngry

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 22:50

Screams affair OP, the fact he is disgusted that you dare suggest it is deflection.....

Out of curiosity, you say he's retired, how old is he??

everyonecaneffoff · 21/09/2019 22:51

Nothing physical could possibly of happened

How do you know this? Where there's a will, there's a way.
He's having an affair, emotional or physical. Either way it doesn't matter. He's told her he will leave when the children are at uni.

I think you should say no more to him about it. Drop the subject completely. He'll only try to persuade you you are imagining it or being "controlling" by not letting him have "friends".
Meanwhile get yourself to a solicitor and get legal advice. You should be entitled to half. You will not be left with nothing.
You say he would be the type to make sure you don't get anything. He can't do that. Get a good lawyer and make plans.
Then when your plans are in place you tell him that you want a divorce and he needs to leave (or you leave if you have arranged another flat to rent for you and the DC).

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:51

He is 61 she is 43

OP posts:
everyonecaneffoff · 21/09/2019 22:52

He's going to stay at his parents house until I get over myself and start acting rationally.

Good you can start acting rationally and divorce his cheating ass.

Rachelover60 · 21/09/2019 22:52

Oh op, it all sounds like an affair. He really shouldn't be talking about you to her, it's so disloyal.

You say you'd have nothing if you parted but you would be entitled to claim money from the benefits office.

Please don't let this carry on, you're worth more.

NormanChrist · 21/09/2019 22:53

So you’re not to involve her in ‘your ‘ mess but he can disclose anything, slag you off to her and make lewd comments? OK then mate! What world is he living in?

You say you’d have nothing but that probably isn’t true, you’d likely need to get a job but you’d gain some self respect instead of being with this wanker.

Peanut1980 · 21/09/2019 22:53

I’m so sorry OP. He is treating you terribly. The messages they’re sending are not OK. I would go NUTS if I knew my husband was sending these. The thing is... he probably will only ever admit to as much as you know. He doesn’t want you to ruin his friendship with her but he doesn’t care about how it’s affecting his marriage with you. Where do his loyalties lie?! I think you need to gain some strength and put him in his place. Plus you need to call this woman and tell her you’ve read the messages and ask her what does she have to say for herself?

He may of lost respect for you but don’t lose it for yourself. Stay strong and kick this texting and woman to the curb 👊

Good luck.

readitandwept · 21/09/2019 22:54

He thinks I need to see someone for my issues and stop dragging innocent people into our marriage and our mess.

Says the man bitching about his wife to another woman! The only person you need to see for your issues is a solicitor.

Ginger1982 · 21/09/2019 22:55

I'm surprised you need to ask this. Saying things like 'she'd have no clothes on?' Come on! 🙄

You can leave. If you really put your mind to it, you can. You deserve more than to be with this repulsive arsehole. Don't allow him to gaslight you like this. You need to sort out your issues? What a dickhead!

Peanut1980 · 21/09/2019 22:55

He’s playing serious mind games with you. Try calling that woman now! Do you think he’s actually with his Mum or could he be with her?

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:56

She did defend me in the beginning and actually told him to help me around the house etc.
Then it switched all of a sudden and that's when it texting got serious and staring going a bit weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 22:57

She isn't in the country at the moment so I think he's at his parents

OP posts:
Whitejasmine · 21/09/2019 22:58

Your 'd'h sounds like an absolute wanker - do not listen to his lies. This is what they do - turn it all back round onto you - you are paranoid, delusional, how dare you think that of him and this woman - you must be sick in the head. Stomping off to mummy's until you "come to your senses". God he's trying every trick in the book isnt he?
You know what darling, come to your senses now before its too late - change the locks, bag up his stuff and dont let the bastard back in!

nettie434 · 21/09/2019 22:59

Nothing physical could possibly of happened

Maybe it has. Maybe it hasn’t but the emotional betrayal is so enormous it might as well have happened. It must be so distressing for you Brightside20, especially as she was a friend. Sounds like you really need to think through your options. Your self esteem will really be affected if you let it continue.

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:01

We have been friends for the 20 years. Same age. Worked together.
I have messaged her asking wtf so I have to wait and see.

He is definitely saying that this is all in my head and I need to stop playing the victim as I usually do.

OP posts:
SirVixofVixHall · 21/09/2019 23:02

It sounds like an affair. I am so sorry op.
I agree the only person you need to see about your problems is a very good solicitor. And your only problem is your cruel and gaslighting husband.

Inishoo · 21/09/2019 23:03

He's the type of person that would make sure I have nothing.

That’s not possible - we have a legal system that puts the needs of DC at the centre and he has to comply with that.
He knows this that’s why he is gaslighting you that there is no affair so that he can have his cake and eat it.

Are these his children? Are you married? How old are you? What is his relationship history?

Wowserme · 21/09/2019 23:04

Change the locks so he can’t get back in and go and see the best solicitor that you can find. Kick him to the curb, you so deserve better than this good for nothing low life.
You will be able to have 50% of everything regardless of what he says.
This is definitely an affair, as no one would be saying the things he’s been saying otherwise.
Hold your head up and be proud, your the innocent party here and be prepared to fight the fight and come out of this victorious and with your self respect and pride.
When his mother comes tell her everything and tell her to ask him to show her the messages. She’ll then see her son and this woman for what they are.
Sending you a big hug. X

UniversalAunt · 21/09/2019 23:04

First thing - keep your powder dry.
Without doubt you are very upset, but bottle it up for a few days to give you grit to take control for you & your children - this is your future.
Say nothing about this to him OR to her.
You will lose the element of surprise - they will each destroy evidence & you will be at a disadvantage as your OH will start tidying stuff away.
You need to find a way of making copies of the msgs - for when you see a solicitor promptly next week.

Have you access to his phone right now?
Do you have a camera phone ?
Take images of a selection of the most incriminating msgs - anything about sex, Christmas, slagging you off, him staying with you for the kids.
Take images of the index pages to show the number of messages a day & for how long this has been going on.
Create a new email account with totally new password & send the images to it.
Do the same with key documents relating to his income, savings & anything relating to tax. Make sure you have a copy of your rental/tenancy & all associated costs.
Get thee to a lawyer.
Find out what you are legally entitled to - it will be far more than you think - after all there are young children involved - & far more than he thinks.

Seen a lawyer for advice, then take a deep breath & decide if you want him to stay to work it out or call time on this marriage.

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:05

I'm so fucking upset.

They never directly said they wanted to be together so I think he's using that to say it's banter.
The flirting is comfortable banter between sensible adults who aren't doing anything wrong.

Again she is the innocent in this and shouldn't be brought into it. I'm assuming he's already spoke to her to warn her as she hasn't read it

OP posts:
awishes · 21/09/2019 23:05

Emotional affair at the very least. I feel really bad for you just reading this, I'm sorry it's happening to you. Please don't accept it. Do you love him?
Why do you think you won't have anything if you divorce? He will have to support his children and you could work, help to improve your self esteem after this too. Best of luck whatever you decide.

christinarossetti19 · 21/09/2019 23:06

I'd suggest that you focus less on trying to find out 'what is going on' (they're having an affair, and he's probably planning to leave you fairly soon) and more on what you need and how you go forward from here.

Sorry to sound so blunt, but I do think in these situations that spending lots of time trying to puzzle out the whys and wherefores is a way of avoiding facing what needs to be done today, tomorrow, next week etc.

So you rent your house. Is it joint names? How much money can you lay your hands on? How old are your children? Are some of them your step children (you mentioned gc earlier). He's retired - how old are you? Where does your joint income come from? What are your workplace skills?

Also, do you have someone in RL to speak to?

Original poster
brightside20 · 21/09/2019 23:07

Thank you for all the advice guys. My head is spinning.

OP posts:
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