Break up support thread 3

[herbsmokedchicken]

We’re all still here...

Hi All, I've read some of your stories and they are heart breaking! @ASHMEISTER24 yours in particular is so sad. I hope your wife can come round - you're doing all the right things. Sounds like some self esteem issues on her part if she won't believe you? There is no shame in being sad, and partnerships are about supporting eachother. I know it's hard but taking that emotional risk will actually make you much, much closer. She's probably felt you're hiding a lot and it's made her feel insecure and alone.

I posted a thread here which I'd LOVE some comments on!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3699622-Just-been-dumped-and-blaming-myself

Thank you @PuffinSock for the kind words too It makes me feel a little better to know you don't all think I'm overreacting by being so sad about it. I have to work in a little while and I'm just so demotivated... keep dwelling on how cute and fun our dates were and how I was so blindsided by the fact there most likely won't be any more of them... feeling so lonely rn.

I think your idea of what to say next time he contacts is a good one Puffin. You deserve way way more than to be someone's fallback. Seeing photos of an ex with someone new always dredges up a myriad of feelings but it sounds like it's given you the power you needed at the moment

@herbsmokedchicken I'm sorry you're feeling so down too "Flat" perfectly describes how I've been feeling too... It's so awful when you're so upset at work that you can't really hide it properly, the other day someone told me (in a nice, concerned way not as an insult lol) that I looked "really tired, totally drained" and it was someone who doesn't know about the situation (I've only really told two of my favourite coworkers about it) so I just kind of said I hadn't been sleeping well... which, well, I haven't, but it's more complex than that!

@Joules8719 I've been feeling those waves of sickness/nausea too, usually when I try to lie down and sleep and then just start overthinking.

Ahhhhh I miss his stupid face and all the potential we had for such a good thing! I actually feel like I'm feeling worse about it day by day instead of better. Maybe it's because of the darker nights rolling in making me feel more lonely and the thought of things coming up (his birthday, my birthday, Christmas, the Christmas markets, the local funfair etc) that I'd hoped we could share together and now it seems so unlikely.

@rowlett yeah I had someone ask me if I was ok cos I looked so sad!

Yeah it’s not a straight line, some days I go right back and feel worse. I’m def gonna find it hard when we get to 11 Oct when it’s a year since I asked him out. Hard to remember how happy and optimistic we were.

As in painful to remember, not hard to remember like I can’t remember it - I remember all too well.

Come to think of it, after being introduced to his friend on our last date, I think I also almost met his SISTER on our last date... she's the manager of a bar in town and when we walked past the bar, a doorman/bouncer who knew him said hi to him so he stopped to chat for a few minutes and asked "oh, is [sister's name] working tonight?" The doorman said no but presumably if he'd said yes he might have gone in to say hi??? And presumably his sister would have figured out it was a date??? And presumably he didn't mind that??? Ahhhhhh I know there's no point in thinking about all these things but I can't help it

I did when very upset a night or two ago send him another message (I know, I know) saying that if he is in fact ok this is a very hurtful thing to do to someone, but that if there's an explanation I'm still willing to listen and that I do still hope he is ok (because I know he has had a lot to deal with etc but I didn't go into vast detail in the message, he'll know what it implies). So I've left it open while letting him know I'm hurt by it... although, again, any time I check the dating app he's not been active and he doesn't seem to have been up to anything on other social media either. And, again, there's a part of me that feels like if he really just wanted rid of me specifically he could block me/unmatch me/deactivate his profile/whatever.

I know I absolutely must not send him any more messages lol, I think I've said all that needs to be said with that last one and the bottom line is even sending a million messages won't make any difference, it's just on him. But I just don't understand anything We were LITERALLY in the middle of a normal pleasant conversation when everything just stopped dead. I'm so sad.

Yes definitely don’t send any more messages! I really feel for you tho, it’s bizarre. If he is ghosting you, he’s a twat. I’ve seen people justify ghosting but as someone who has been ghosted by a friend, I don’t think there can be any justification for making someone feel that way, it’s horrible.

Yes I have been ghosted once before but it was a friend of a friend I had been set up with (well, they're not friends with him anymore lol! this was quite a long time ago anyways), we had two very short dates and they were just ok, no real spark and I wasn't really surprised or disappointed when I didn't hear from him again, although I did think it was rude. He ended up randomly messaging me to apologise for doing it AGES afterwards and I really didn't care by that point lol.

But this situation right now is the DEFINITION of bizarre! Never experienced anything remotely like it. Everything was going like a dream until suddenly it wasn't. Not a single sign this was going to happen. As I said I would honestly think he had died if it wasn't for the fact that I'm 100% sure his friends would have posted about that. We were joking about how nine hours might be the limit I could put up with him talking and he said "well I'll learn sign langugage so I can get around it and still talk to you" or something... like everything he said just seemed so genuine and nice, I was so excited to spend more time with him

Yeah it’s so weird! I do hope you get some kind of resolution.

Thank you so much When we were at the museum we checked out the gift shop at the end and he found this book on ancient myths and legends (one of his favourite interests) and was cutely geeking out about how nicely illustrated it was etc but in the end he didn't buy it. I thought to myself it would be the perfect birthday gift, something not too big or expensive but something that I KNEW he would love. It never occurred to me at all that we wouldn't be in contact anymore by the time his birthday rolled around (middle of October). Just all these little things making me feel down lately.

Yeah I know what you mean, I’d planned A’s birthday presents, his birthday was 2 weeks after we split, when I decided what to buy him I’d never imagined we wouldn’t be together any more by then! Luckily I hadn’t bought them. Took pleasure in telling him what they would have been, he was gutted and admitted they were excellent presents. Does show that he is a good guy I guess tho, sure plenty of guys would have held out that last two weeks for some presents!

Hi all, wondering if I could join please?

OH and I officially separated a couple of months ago. It's been a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm feeling mentally and physically drained. We've had everything from blazing rows to money stealing which I had saved for a rainy day to refusing to move out, etc, etc. Some days I feel strong but mostly feel totally knackered.

The good news is that he has found a place to rent and will 🤞🤞🤞 be moving out on 1st November.

I've no idea how I'll be able to manage financially but am sure things will work out somehow.

So good to read your posts and see the support you are giving one another ❤️

I was idly scrolling through the dating app I met him on during my break at work and all I could really see in my prior matches (aside from a few who wanted to instantly send dick pics obv) were awful conversationalists who I didn't feel interested in and who never suggested meeting/didn't really inspire any urge for me to suggest meeting... and then I met him and conversation flowed so easily and after a few days he had suggested meeting after we discussed one of our old favourite restaurants which had closed down. As I said I'm not in any mindset to talk to someone else yet but just so sad that we clicked so easily in a way I hadn't with anyone else in so long (and before I even vocalised that he actually said himself that he had never spoken to someone that much on the app before and he was so pleasantly surprised at how easily we got along)... none of this makes any sense

@Fullsteamahead welcome to the thread although it's a shame we're all meeting under these circumstances! The support and kindness on here has bowled me over. I'm sorry you're having a hard time too, not at all surprised you're shattered. It's good that at least he will be moving out soon and you can hopefully start to rebuild from there.

rowlett,

Thank you for your kind words. Some days he is fine and things are bearable but today was a bad day, he was a complete dick all day, moaned about everything, small stuff like the cider vinegar that I used and should replace immediately as he can't do his cooking without it 🙄 I just have to take a deep breath and carry on

@rowlett it's so strange...how long has it been now since he vanished? I feel I can relate in some ways...the guy i had been seeing and I also really 'clicked' we were always happy, laughing, great chemistry. Then out of no where he lessened contact, having known me as a friend for over a year and a really intense romance. After a couple of weeks I asked what had happened/where I stood and he told me he was off with someone else...it seems crazy! Maybe they have true love, who knows...but it just feels so weird that he did that, when I think our happiness and his feelings towards me were genuine.

I have a lot of unanswered questions too. I really want to meet with him, not to interrogate him but to look at him and judge what happened and what his true feelings were. I dont know whether meeting up would just cause me more pain though...I have been NC but hes messaging me every few days, asking how i am etc.

@herbsmokedchicken how are you doing? Do you feel like it has helped you get closure by meeting him and chatting? Even though I know it wasnt the outcome you wanted

Surprisingly feeling weird today, it's 5 years today since we started talking. Gone so fast. I want him back a lot but I won't ever let that show.

@PuffinSock yeah a bit, altho until he actually goes I’ll probably still have a bit of hope, altho it’s two months away so hopefully be feeling better. But tbh, I’m trying not to bring it on myself but do feel as it gets closer to a year of us getting together I’ll prob go down a bit, keep remembering how happy we were and how exciting it was. Just so weird to think now I’ll never see him again and realistically we prob won’t stay in text contact either. Like three months ago we were talking about one day getting married and now he’s moving away?

So I get you on the feeling weird @TinselAndKnickers it’s the same kind of thing I guess

Altho was randomly daydreaming earlier and imagined myself sat on a sofa with a new boyfriend...I couldn’t picture an actual person but he didn’t morph into A either so...progress?

Can’t sleep and it’s not even coz I’m thinking about him, just don’t feel sleepy. So tomorrow be fun...

Feel so annoyed sad and lonely but also strong. Wonder if he's thinking of me. He keeps putting stories up which he never normally does so I wonder if he's wondering why I'm not talking to him I've gone quiet on social media atm.

Found out he is getting his teeth whitening done and his brother going to help out with taxi so he can have time to socialise!

Oh we are all doing so well aren’t we! tinsel I was trying to cut down on social media but realised once I’d spoken to him about why he’s unfollowed me on insta that he has almost certainly muted me on fb, so meh! Altho could do with cutting down anyway tbf.
Not feeling too bad today but not feeling great either, just feel pretty flat and meh.

How is everyone doing this aft? I’m starting to feel a bit shit, gone back to having flashbacks of happier times what if the next bloke wants us to get out and do stuff instead of festering indoors all day???

But I’ve just started new hours at work which means a new routine, including a different bus home. The bus I was getting home doesn’t go past his house anymore but it did go past where we went on our first date and the spot where we had our first kiss, so I’m hoping not going past there anymore will help

Hi everyone
Sorry to hear you are having a bad evening herbsmokedchicken. Hopefully not passing his house on the bus may help slightly. Flashbacks are rubbish. I still wake most mornings having dreamed of him. Mine has finally admitted he needs help with his drinking and is going to go to a counsellor. I'm happy he's doing this but I can't help with he'd done it earlier, he might have never left then.

Hi can I join please?
Just been dumped by the man I have been with for 5 years, planned to have kids with and spend the rest of my life with. I basically got a new job a few months ago and have been incredibly busy, we haven’t had much chance to spend time together and he’s said he can’t see us working as it’s fizzled out. It hasn’t for me. I still love him more than anything I feel like my world has crumbled

Oh katexoxo how terribly sad. You must be devastated. I was with mine 5 years too. Sending hugs to you

Thankyou ❤️ Honestly I don’t know what to do, sending love to everyone here