Break up support thread 3

[herbsmokedchicken]

We’re all still here...

Tinsel I honestly can't get my head round the convo last night and the way he's acting.. I have him the option to end it properly once and for all last night.. What is wrong with them?
Puffin hope it goes ok, you're right it's a head fuck

@PuffinSock don't tell him you're cutting contact - just take it away no warning. They see it as a 'win' if you tell them, trust me. Good plan though - I'm in the same boat. 4 days in and I feel bloody great! So much easier to stop caring

I'm doing ok, still miss him but it doesn't hurt as much to think of him. I miss the support with the horse stuff, he seemed like he wanted to help with all that but who actually knows.

I read the midlife crisis cheaters script that was posted on another thread and couldn't believe how much of it was applicable to him, I've saved all the relevant bits to my phone (which is most of it...) to keep looking at to remind me it's all bollocks and not my fault!

We seem to be bahaving normally (except there been 0 affection) i dint know if he is done done or what. He is due to go to his parents from todat til sunday. Yesterday he saw an ad for a 2 day trip abroad he would like to go to. I said: maybe ud like to go. He said hed look into it seeing as i had given him a green light (surely if were not togwther i dont need to give him no lights) this morning (i think he felt a bit guilty) he says do you wanna come? We can find somethin for the kids and go tomorrow. Theres no reason why you couldnt come...wtaf. i saud if he wants to go he should but not me. I dont knowbwhether im coming or going . He was also saying going to his parents (away for a few days) might be good for him. Good how? As in he wants to try and sort his head out to stay or as in he needs a break but still thinks we are splitting? We havent had any more conversations about splitting as he gets lots of anxiety over it. I thought itd be better to let things rest. Ive no idea wtf is happening. What do u make of all this crap?

I'm also telling you guys this as I know you won't judge me....too much 😅 and I'm not reading anything in to it at all, I just think it's funny...on Instagram we both follow an account from a country we visited in Jan, he used to like all their photos, dropped off completely when in the throes of new relationship and now he's back to liking them all again, I wonder if the shine has come off for the new stuff 😅 I guess they're still together etc but I like looking at patterns of behaviour and thought this one was funny! (Again not reading anything into it!)

Starting over it's so confusing isn't it.. I feel kind of in the same boat and its a total mess.
It's the worst feeling not sure how they def feel and the hints of doing things together doesn't help. No contact does help.. I've found it very hard and did make contact after a week.. I'm still as confused.
He ended our convo (after agreeing we'd try again) saying 'I'll ring you'.. I found that odd as we don't really ring we message or see each other.. Nothing for a day so I say hi hope days been good etc.. Limited I felt annoyed responces (not re me just something re his day).. I replied well I hope you're OK.. Love you.. He did reply that he loved me.. I just feel I'm trading between the lines and if I questioned it he may say 'I do love you'.. But almost like I love you but I'm not in love with you..
Maybe I'm analisong it all but to go from all to silence isn't helping.
Im leaving it now, I'll see when.. If he messages me and decided on my reply.

@PuffinSock he has now pretty much said that. My head is a bit mashed. Reading through all the comments on @rhubarb39 other post. I'm not his fallback girl. I'm nobody's option but if he made a mistake and wants to try and resolve that does it make me pathetic to consider it?! Agh!!

Rhubarb yes, its literally so hard. We live together so i can't even go NC. Im here wondering whether in his mind we are just friends now and we seem to be alright or what. Is he wondering whether it could work at all? As far as im concerned im being patient but if we're definitely not going to work i will need to be making changes to move on and dont really think i can be friends with the person i was going to spend the rest of my life with. Im scared if we stay together but separate for too long there's going to be no going back as physical affection is going to seem weird. I already feel i cant or shouldnt even give him a hug. I need affection and him being there and me feeling so lonely is absolute shit. He needs to sort his fecking head out before i lose mine.

@rhubarb39 I don't think you should accept any ambiguity in your situation. He needs to be clear with you what he wants and what he is offering. Then you can clear with how you will handle it.

@Startingoveragain1 again I would say not to accept any ambiguity. You are adults with children and a house. If he can't be clear with you I would say you tell yourself it's over and act accordingly.

@PuffinSock absolutely. I'm not convincing anyone they need to be with me. They want to or they don't. And they are clear on what that means and would look like. Mixed messages, ambiguity, excuses. No thanks!!

@notcoolmum yes, youre right. I have actually started doing some things differently already. He is offering me the car to do stuff all the time and i constantly refuse as i think if we're over i dont need u or nothing of urs. In some sort of stupid way i hope deep down if i dont push him he might be able to workout through his effing MLC and not leave but a part of me has fully prepared for being single. We had his dd over and its been so lovely, all kids are so happy, its so sad. This in between is shit.

Agreed thanks all.. What I'm confused over is I said to him
Do you want us to finish.. Like actually finish and he said no. I even joked down the phone saying he wouldn't have to witness me crying so it was an easy get out.. Nope.
That we discussed the 'issues'and decided we were in agreement..
Other than that all OK..obviosuly awkward in ways but?!
And now quiet.. I get the days he's at work.. But from home to 10pm last night nothing.. He's not making any effort and normally we would message. I have 2 choices.. Leave it and send him a 'were done' message
Or see him (if we get that far) and see how it is face to face..balls in his court now, its Friday tomorrow and we'd normally see each other so will be interesting

Starting yes I think you need to show them you can do it on your own, even if you don't want to.

He is getting ready to drop dd and go to his patents until sunday. It will be good to have a break, i have nothing to do though, no friends near or family so i think im gonna be watching lots of tv...
Rhubarb see how it goes and how you feel about it. These things are not clear cut and cant be fixed from one day to the other. I can see how his behaviour is frustrating you. His actions are different than his words. But you did lay it on a silver plate for him and he said he doesnt want to break up. Hope he calls u for this weekened. Make sure youre ok in the meanwhile x

Startingover my first thought was 'I wish I could be around to chat to you'.. Situations like this make you realise you're not alone. I have quite a few friends but they can be busy (how dare they!) or I feel like I'm a drain on them so suffer alone. I'm usually so proactive and always busy, it's hard to get motivated.
I've just read another thread that's made me realise what you've just said..things won't just jump back to normal straight away.. I'm worrying still and becoming clingy in my head and that's not right. The long and short is he's going to have to make the next move..il take it from there.

@Jonsnowsghost I know what you mean, mine updated his twitter which he hasn’t done in ages and I’m like WHAT DOES IT MEAN
Starting to feel so weird that he’s going soon but think in the long run it’ll help. Hate it tho. Like I’m so much better and I know I’ll keep getting better but I’m still so sad that this happened. I’m really glad to see you’re doing better, we are both definitely getting there compared to how we were back in July when this thread was started! Thanks to @TinselAndKnickers for helping save my sanity by starting the first thread!

@herbsmokedchicken I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better. This is really good news.

Herb I don't think i could look back at that thread and see what a mess i was!

I know, one day I will skim through! Def not healed yet but I’m getting there.

He is gone until sunday. I was really trying to hide the tears, he gave me the longest hug and a weird kiss. Kids asked him when he is coming back (its the first time he is going to be gone) and he said sunday and we will see dsd again in a few weeks. (Will we?) Ive just gathered my feelings again and am watchin a movie with dc. Im on holiday until monday but i think im gonna dive into work stuff to keep busy. Im sick of the rollercoaster. I had a moment of anger when he left thinking : the fuck youre gonna make me feel this shit u wanker. Feeling bipolar lol

No I'm not fully healed but definitely better than I was :)

Hope it's ok to post here.

I am 5 months post breakup and it actually feels more painful now than at the time. I broke up with my bf of nearly 4 years as I felt pushed into it, he stopped spending time with me, ignored all of my messages and just generally made me feel like the least important thing in his life. We broke up over text as he wouldn't meet me to discuss, he then promptly sent all my stuff to my house delivered by a mutual friend. He text me later in the week saying he 'couldn't believe this was happening'. Within 3 weeks he was in a new relationship with a much older woman. Devastated isn't even the word for how I felt.

He broke up with the new gf and I had to meet him to sort some bits out, we ended up crying and admitting we missed each other. We set a date to meet for a drink and some food. I waited all evening to meet him and he never turned up - later sent a text that he was very busy at work. I then rung him a few days later and heard a woman with him, he told me it was a customer. However, a few days later a mutual friend had told me him and his new girlfriend had been laughing that I was trying to contact him.
He absolutely denies that he has a new gf, insists he is just renting a room (despite me seeing them together and seeing messages where he calls her his mrs)!!

I am meeting him tonight for some closure - I absolutely have to hear him say that he has moved on. I feel like by lying to me he is either trying to keep me open as an option or he is just too much of a coward to admit it.

I do not want to get back with him, I couldn't anyway after the way he has treated me. However, I do still have feelings for him. Before things took a turn for the worst in our relationship I loved being with him. He was sweet, funny and always looked after me. I feel so lost and confused without him, I honestly thought he would be the man I married.

Petra that's awful. Hugs. Hope you get what you want. I feel totally lost still

Thanks Rhubarb, me too. I just want to put this behind me. I'm only 22 and feel like I've lost all of the best years of my life - I sacrificed a lot for him.
I know what you mean about feeling lost, I have to admit that it has gotten better with time. I have spent a lot of time with friends, discovered new things I like to do and really pushed myself at work but I honestly thought 5 months in I would be well on the road to recovery, not still moping and begging him for closure.