Hi everyone,
I hope it's okay to join in. Broke up with my boyfriend of a year last week. I knew it wasn't going to work long-term but I still feel so sad. He never initiated contact (outside of occasional texting first) or intimacy and would often show up late and on a couple of occasions not at all (too late after getting side-tracked). I tried really hard to explain to him that I needed him to be more pro-active but he just didn't bother and I spent the past year wondering why he was even with me. He did nothing for my birthday as birthdays weren't important in his family, something which made no sense as they were always celebrated. He spoke very little about anything, often giving one word answers and I'm very chatty and need meaningful conversations. He also had no interests. Like none outside just his family. No preference for films, music, nothing. I'm very passionate about my own interests and found this hard to understand. Most importantly though, he was just very thoughtless when it came to me.
I was considering ending it a while ago but unfortunately his father died suddenly and quite traumatically. I really struggled with this too as I knew him but my ex really struggled and also just kind of disappeared from my life. I understand this because I couldn't imagine going through anything like this, but for the past 2 and a half months since it happened I have been more or less alone anyway and struggling to try to help him when he was simply just closing himself off to everyone physically and emotionally.
I do feel terrible for ending it under the circumstances but there were also some very thoughtless things he did that harmed me that I tried to work through considering the circumstances, but I felt that even if I supported him through this time, the relationship wasn't right anyway and it was making me feel very anxious and depressed so I explained this to him. It was nothing to do with the death and everything to do with the fact that I just didn't think it would work out. He just accepted it. A couple of says later I panicked a bit and tried to reconcile but he said it was better if we didn't as he was sorry he had hurt me.
I know it's for the best for us both but I still feel terrible. It's for the best for me because he didn't consider me and didn't think about plans for the future or even seem that invested (even though he said he was which is why I persevered). And it is best for him as he doesn't have to worry about me now and can grieve and deal with his family and keep trying to heal.
I'm just scared of being lonely and of not finding love in the future. At the moment I am going to focus on myself but I'm worried about my time to find anyone running out (I'm 34), even though I know that makes no sense. Sorry this turned out so long!