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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Break up support thread 3

999 replies

herbsmokedchicken · 20/09/2019 21:01

We’re all still here...

OP posts:
Bluebird99 · 18/10/2019 09:52

What would you all think is best I do now...
My situation is seeing someone for 6 months, in touch daily from morning til night for him to out of the blue tell me he’s going back to his ex wife. (Separated for 2 years but not divorced).

I miss him like crazy, dream about him, think about him constantly but this was 10 days ago now and he blocked me after telling me his decision.

My friends have said try Tinder but I am not interested in anyone else in the slightest, I just want him. Do I just wait, see if he gets in touch?

I’m so sad every day without him 😔

Notcoolmum · 18/10/2019 10:02

So sorry to hear that @Bluebird99
Please try not to wait for him to come back. He's made his choice as horrifically painful as that it for you. Done do the pick me dance.
It's all very new so spend some time grieving. Feel sad. Watch sad films. Listen to sad music. Cry. Be supported by friends and family. Then delete your messages and photos. And delete his number

It sounds like it's too early for you to be on tinder. I did go back online after my split. Mainly as a distraction and a reminder that I was attractive and I had options. I met someone who I'm seeing casually but he knows we won't be moving into a more serious relationship. And it hasn't stopped me missing or grieving for my ex. But it has helped me in other ways. I think his is entirely individual though and dating can be brutal and you are clearly vulnerable right now.

Rosecat22 · 18/10/2019 12:12

Hi Ladies

Had a thread a little while back but figured I’d join in here. Boyfriend of almost 3 years (who i’d lived with for a year and a half). Sat me down and dumped me out of the blue almost a month ago now. Said we’d been growing apart and he wasn’t sure how he felt about me anymore, found coming home boring and wasn’t excited to see me anymore. Two days later he gets in touch saying he’s made a horrible mistake, that everything is all his fault, that he stopped putting effort into the relationship and that he wants to give it a serous go again.

As I was still trying to find somewhere new to live, I agreed to try, only for him to turn around 2 days into ‘trying again’ and tell me that he had felt sad all day because he thought he was just going to break my heart all over again and that he wasn’t sure if he could recover his feelings. I asked him if s life of coming home to me every night would be unfulfilling and he answered ‘Yes’ without a second of hesitation. Says he cares deeply for me and that spending time with me makes him very happy and always has done but it’s over.

We’ve had to live in the house for the last month whilst waiting to move out which has been brutally hard. Going to get the keys for my place now to move in tomorrow and I should be excited (the house is lovely) but I cried on the train all the way there after seeing him this morning and discussing cancelling the internet and council tax!

It’s hard because it’s not like we hate each other or have fallen out or been arseholes (well him a little, what with fucking me about.) I figured I’d be feeling better but frankly I still feel awful.

Hugs and support to everyone else here.

Notcoolmum · 18/10/2019 12:50

Oh @Rosecat22 that sounds so painful. I'm so sorry. You must have really opened yourself up to him to let him back in. For him to just hurt you again. It won't be much comfort now but at least you will be able to tell yourself you really did give it all you could and there is no chance of a reconciliation. Clinging on to hope can be so difficult when you need to move on.

Good luck moving into your new home tomorrow. A blank canvas to start an whole new life and create new and happy memories.

Rosecat22 · 18/10/2019 13:02

Thanks @Notcoolmum, for the kind words. Part of it is that I’m annoyed at myself for still feeling sad and missing him. I’ve had a fair number of breakups (unfortunately) and I’ve always prided myself in my ability to get back on the horse and get over it very quickly.

I’m doing all my usual positive, post breakup stuff (investing time in hobbies, planning things with friends/ family, being cheerful and chatty at work) but I still feel this almost oppressive sadness weighing on me. Hopefully it will start to shift when I can move into the new house.

I’m also panicking a little as I’m now 32 and my long term plans for the next few years (buy a house, have some kids) have been reset to square one, and I feel like I’m running out of time and running into the age range where most of the men on the market are on it for a reason...

Notcoolmum · 18/10/2019 13:06

@Rosecat22 32 is still so young. Loads of time to meet the right one to have a family with. And better than being tied to the wrong one forever by your kids.

herbsmokedchicken · 18/10/2019 18:50

I hate that I’m not with him right nkw

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 18/10/2019 21:05

I'm sorry you feel that way @herbsmokedchicken

I hunk you've said it's been 3 months since you broke up. What positive things have you done since it ended? What have you done to put yourself first and help heal?

PuffinSock · 18/10/2019 23:51

@Bluebird99 I would say what you need to say and then go NC. You may have said what you need to already in which case just be NC. I agree with pp, I found it helpful to tell mine (who did similar to yours) that I loved him but I accept his decision and wished him well. Then dont contact him. You keep your dignity and I quite like the fact it must be really hard for them that you were so nice, didn't chase and just got on with life. Mine has contacted several times since but I've made clear I dont want to discuss love/romance/sex as he is now in a relationship.

I had a read of that website @Notcoolmum recommended and it is great. It's so true that when someone I waiting for you, missing you, chasing etc you may feel sorry for them but it doesnt persuade you to want a relationship. But when someone is happy and doing well they are much more appealing. Sad but true. It does get easier I promise, I know it's so hard, I spent weeks in shock and sadness, now i still get sad but I'm determined to do better than someone who made me second best.

Notcoolmum · 19/10/2019 05:30

That's a great update @PuffinSock it's lovely to see someone moving on and feeling more positive.

I do recommend reading Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. It helped me see how many things I had overlooked in his behaviour. And how I had accepted things someone more emotionally healthy wouldn't have.

rhubarb39 · 19/10/2019 08:35

Rosecat I nearly sent my ex a message last night, decided against it. I've just read your message and it's so sad because I have a horrible feeling that what he would do, the whole 'I do care about you' part. I'm so upset and lost.. Still think I'll send tonight as still not sure what's going on but expecting the worst.
We would normally spend today together, wonder if he will even miss me😔

Startingoveragain1 · 19/10/2019 09:14

Hi! Im new to this thread but since i was dumped two evenings ago i thought i might as well join in. @rhubarb39 you posts really resonate with me. Today is another day of not knowing whats happening. He acts normal around the house and kids , he has just gone to work. We havent spoken about the situation since he did the dumping as have been working and with the kids. I cant deal with this not knowing anything. He doesnt seem to have any sort of plan just that he is done with the relationship (he is going through a lot of stress at work and a new found chronic illness is driving him literally crazy) he is depressed and i think going through his midlife crisis and not knowing what to do with himself so is choosing to run away. But hello!?! He has raised my kids for 3 years , we are a family unit and he drops the bomb and then what? Im going crazy thinking about all the implications this will have on the kids let alone me.. im really pissed off he can actually choose to up and go like nothing while i pick up the pieces and ha e to rebuild and restart once more. Ffs

Startingoveragain1 · 19/10/2019 09:22

Hope you all have a decent saturday, im gonna spend mine cleaning and tidyin up around here, see if my head gets a bit uncluttered too , maybe treat myself to a tanning session. Crap times

rhubarb39 · 19/10/2019 09:30

Starting over hugs, awful isn't it.. I'm struggling today as yes a day of routine and nothing. We don't live together so can't imagine how hard it is. I find cleaning helps, saying that I haven't done any.. Sigh it's so hard.
Day with DD and seeing friend later, I'm sending my message, last and final one, I need to know what's going on.. Hope your day's goes OK x

PuffinSock · 19/10/2019 09:42

@Notcoolmum thanks, I'm definitely still up and down (probably more down than up!) But I've accepted hes gone and got over the shock of it. Going to focus on work and my kids for the moment as this keeps happening when I date and get into relationships, I'm not sure its easy to find a prince when you're tired, working all the time middle aged single mum but maybe I'll try again in the future.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 19/10/2019 09:42

rhubarb You won't have quality time with your daughter if you send your message today and are constantly on edge waiting for the reply.

Startingoveragain1 · 19/10/2019 09:54

@puffinsock i also wonder for the future how a woman can ever find their person, I dont even have time to wash my hair with work , kids and house work.
@rhubarb39 let us know what happens if you send that text. You do need some closure to be able to move foward. Being left hangin is the worst.

Notcoolmum · 19/10/2019 11:06

Agree with @MarianaMoatedGrange you won't be able to relax if you send that message before you go out with your DD @rhubarb39 I would send it but when waiting for a response won't take you away from the people you love.

I'm the same @PuffinSock highs and lows. It's weird now we are back in touch. So I can't miss him in the same way. But it all just seems so bizarre. Friendly chit chat. But we aren't what we were and never will be.

I'm dating but finding the time is hard. Also a middle aged, full time working single mum!

Rosecat22 · 19/10/2019 17:50

@rhubarb39 I think you probably do need closure. It is pretty awful hearing that you’re apparently great and make them happy but they still apparently don’t love you anymore!

I do think actual proper closure might be good for you, I know that I would just be living in limbo until told a hard, cold ‘no’ to be honest. Be aware that getting s negative response may trigger a fresh wave of grief but at least then you can begin to heal properly and won’t be hanging around wondering ‘what if’.

Moved into my own house today. It’s been fucking hard. Last time I did this it was the move into our house together, which was such a lovely and exciting time. Cried as soon as my parents left....kinda thought I was over the crying part!

rhubarb39 · 19/10/2019 18:05

I sent is as she got in the car, left my phone all day in the car till now and have just got home, he hasn't even read it. I'm so upset, have struggled today anyway but feel so awful

Startingoveragain1 · 19/10/2019 18:32

@rhubarb39 Try to keep busy this evening. If he doesnt reply then thats your reply...i guess.
Well mine is back from work, just asked what i want for dinner and is checkin cinema showings...ffs, im a wreck inside waiting for a talk. But i need to know whats happening. If he is leavin... when then? Why is he being normal? I feel im losing my marbles. I feel its not quite hit me yet as he is still here...

rhubarb39 · 19/10/2019 22:37

Startingover that's crap, I had that for most of the holiday, admittedly I didn't speak as was so upset so he could have been thinking the same but? Don't know how they act like normal.
He hasn't read it still.. I feel ill with it all and have been so upset since home.
How's the rest of your eve been?

Startingoveragain1 · 19/10/2019 22:38

Spoke to the ex, he wants a aplit but ia plannin on movin nearby so we can still do stuff with kids and he can help me out and what not. What is that?! He doesnt see why we couldnt still do things together.

Rosecat22 · 19/10/2019 22:45

@Startingoveragain1 Jesus Christ, what planet is he on? I guess he’s trying to minimise the impact on you and the kids but surely he must see that you need some space etc?

@rhubarb39 I’m really sorry you haven’t heard anything, is he usually quite prompt with his replies?

rhubarb39 · 19/10/2019 23:21

Starting over that's madness.. So frustrating
No my ex isn't great at replies as a rule.. Equally he isn't as eager as me to look at his phone clearly which isn't great

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