Break up support thread 3

[herbsmokedchicken]

We’re all still here...

I REALLY miss him all of a sudden, like I’ve been missing him the whole time but all of a sudden it’s really hit.

Maybe it’s a sign I’m starting to accept it finally

Herb hugs, it's a horrible horrible feeling. How long has it been now?

It’s easing off a little now, really horrible big wave! It’s three months now, but would have been our anniversary last Sunday so think I’m feeling it afresh as I keep remembering how excited I was at the start and brings it all back

I'm so upset today. Definitely going to leave a voicemail.

Tinsel are you leaving the ball in his court or?

I think you’ve said this already but are you scripting this voicemail is just going off due cuff? When A and I met up the first time I did actually make some notes so I didn’t forget everything I wanted to say!

Hey guys, I’ve had a pretty crap few weeks, make that months actually! I’ve been with this guy for just over two years, I’ve dedicated my life to him, I have two kids of my own and I introduced him in to their lives after much pressure off him, it’s been up and down for the two years but I love him and I’ve stuck with him and tried to do absolutely everything to make him feel loved etc. I just can’t do anything that is good enough for him, always putting me down, making jokes at my expense, I keep making mistakes, I’m pushing him away and have done for months, he said he ended things a couple of weeks ago however he still messages me like nothing has happened. He’s making no effort though to come over and make things up and move forward. He’s good at telling me where I’m going wrong but when I tell him how he makes me feel when he insults me puts me down doesn’t want to be intimate with me he ignores it. Just goes back to his good old catch phrase of I’m pushing him away. Why is he still messaging me and acting like we are still together if I’m so bloody awful?? And if I’m pushing him away?? And why won’t he sit down and actually talk things through like an adult?! Just launches straight in at insults and telling me how bad I am. I’ve gained 4 stone in a year and I honestly have never felt so low in my life, I love him so much and I would do anything for him, it just hurts so much that I’m not getting the same from him and I can’t seem to let go. I feel so weak and pathetic. Everyone close to me says get shot of him you have always been far better than him and deserve better, I just honestly don’t see myself as better and just hurt so much cause I can’t switch my feelings off. I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, I start to take mini panic attacks at the thought of not being with him and not having contact, but then I’m so bloody miserable when he tells me all the things I do that makes him miserable. I honestly don’t know where I’m going wrong xx

Argh I want him BACK

I’ve seen something a couple of times “you don’t miss them, you miss how they made you feel” what utter tosh. I miss how he made me feel but I miss HIM. I almost wish I’d never asked him out because at least I’d still have his friendship.

@Astonsmum1 he sounds like a knob if I’m honest! But I know it’s so easy to say that when you’re not involved. Have you thought of counselling? It sounds like you have very low self esteem and that could help you see your worth.

I’ve been in and out of counselling. I’ve got good friends who always pick me up but I just struggle seeing what everyone else sees. I do have very low self esteem, suppose it doesn’t help when you’re always getting put down, then I guess I don’t help myself by always going back for more.

I know what you mean, I do struggle with seeing my worth, but you are better than what he’s giving you

There was a random post showing somewhere we went on holiday - totally unrelated to anything I’d been looking at, sheer coincidence, so gave me such a jolt to see it.

@astonmum1 that's so sad. It sounds like he's a master manipulator! I know everyone around you can tell you until they're blue in the face that you deserve more and can do better, but until you actually realise it yourself, you'll be stuck in this horrible circle you're in.
I don't think counselling is a bad idea as it does sound like you have some deep rooted self esteem issues.
If that's not an option, then one thing I always find helps is writing things down. It's then a visual as opposed to just swimming around in your head. Start with a list you can easily access like in notes on your phone, make the list about all the things you like about yourself and that you're proud of. Add to it whenever you think of something else.
Then write a list of all the things you dislike about your partner and how each thing makes you feel. Just keep reminding yourself of these things.
Try to remember your life 2 years ago before you met him, you were perfectly fine then right? So you'll be perfectly fine after him too. He really doesn't sound very nice but I know you've got to see it and feel it for yourself before you can be strong enough to do something about it. Keep talking, keep writing and little by little I hope you realise your worth and the grip he obviously has on you gets less and less xx

I like that Dorri, the list idea.

I've come to the conclusion, that they love all the chase we give. It gives them some sort of satisfactory power over us. They're all the same!
Girls... if you can, really try not to message/call or leave voicemails. It's what they want. If there is ANY chance that a guy will come back after a break up, it'll be because you've seemingly moved on. All the time they know you're there sad and waiting, they don't have to worry or make any kind of decisions. Let them get to a point of thinking "shit" she's gone. And the time and space also frees up your head to let you work things out too.
Who wants to be in a relationship where you have to fight for them to be with you or to make them realise you're worth it??? Fuck that shit! That old saying... Let them go, if they come back then they're yours. If they don't, then they never were.
We're all better than sitting by our phones and letting life pass us by waiting for some moron to 'grace' us with their time.
No man is worth your peace of mind or sanity xx

@herbsmokedchicken I've got a few fucking completed A4 notepads kicking about from over the years! Haha.

I do agree with you @Dorri82 but sometimes I think there are things you need to say before going NC otherwise they eat away at you. So it's about you feeling better. And not about them.

I do recommend watching the exbackcoach video on NC. And think about his advice when they are in the relief stage. So any contact by you is like an irritating child whining at them. I didn't want to be that person.

That’s really good advice, someone suggested to me also writing a pros and cons list about him and seeing how it weighs up. Just hate how he gets in to my head. I know deep down that his behaviour is unacceptable, I’m just struggling with the letting go part at the moment. I’m glad I was told about this site too, lots of great support and advice xx

Dorri but what if you feel your behaviour wasn't great at points and your input and will to change would help..do you still sit back.. I kmow my ex won't contact me due to thinking that but I'm willing to accept where I went wrong too?

@rhubarb39 you know your ex best. I think all serious relationships deserve an ending where the person ending it explains their reasonings. Unless it was in the heat of an argument it often tends to be they have been thinking it for some time and have made a decision they've been working up to. And will feel relieved to have finally done it. I will find the link to the exbackcoach blog. Being aware of what different mindsets me and my ex would be at following the break up was a real eye opener for me.

I do think no contact is absolutely essential for getting yourself over someone. But sometimes you need to say your piece first so you aren't going over and over in your mind 'what if I said this. What if he knew that' etc. Once you've said your piece you know they are armed with all the 'facts' and have made their choice accordingly.

myexbackcoach.com/ex-thinking-no-contact/

This is a better link at explaining the stages your ex is going through.

myexbackcoach.com/stages-of-no-contact/

Ah this weather makes me sad, spent all my weekends last winter snuggled up with him against the cold and it was amazing. Still at least tomorrow is the weekend and I’ll still be snuggled up even if it’s alone.

Had a dream about us getting back together again, not had one in a while. Can’t quite remember it now but think it mostly occurred over text and he was going to pick me up at 3 but I woke up before that. So it’s not lingering as badly as some of the others I’ve had because I didn’t see him or touch him.

Thanks not cool I'll read the link.
Yes you're right re heat of the moment and it wasn't in ways.. Thats what worries me sick I won't get the responce I want but I need to know.
Herb that's a good thing re the dream, I had a very weird one last night too.. Horrible isn't it. I'm busy this weekend but Sunday will be so upset as we used to have chilled days and I'm dreading it