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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break up support thread 3

999 replies

herbsmokedchicken · 20/09/2019 21:01

We’re all still here...

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 16/10/2019 10:19

Good plan @herbsmokedchicken have you tried 21 days of abundance on YouTube?

@rhubarb39 it's all very fresh for you. Bin his stiuff and I think you will find your anger about being dumped on holiday soon enough. 💓

rhubarb39 · 16/10/2019 10:39

Herb hope it helps.
Notcoolmum I honestly can't get my head round it, I'd feel awful binning his stuff, just can't bring myself to do much really😢

Notcoolmum · 16/10/2019 10:56

@rhubarb39 it may help you feel your anger. At the very least bag it up. Put it somewhere out of sight and offer him a time to collect it. You could put it outside at a certain time and then bin it if he doesn't come for it. You owe yourself more kindness than you owe him. I hope your friends are supporting you.

rhubarb39 · 16/10/2019 11:10

Coolmum I know, thank you.
Friends have been great, poor things having me cry every 5 minutes but it helps a bit. I'm dreading the weekend..woukd normally be seeing him.. Am going to struggle big style😢

rhubarb39 · 16/10/2019 11:23

I've just read the 'being with someone who needs their own space' thread
That was him.. Loved his own time, had a fair bit of it and did say he felt he was selfish.. I need to start telling myself that.. Except all I see is a bloke who spent quite a lot of time with me and was as far as I was aware fine.. Yet I think for a long time he's wanted to have that space as any small thing that stressed him triggered him.
I'd happily willingly see him less just to be with him.. Sigh I won't get that chance though😭

Notcoolmum · 16/10/2019 11:56

@rhubarb39 weekends are definitely the worst time. Friends are often busy with their families and you feel like you are imposing. Can you do a group text and see if anyone is free. Even for an hour or so?

My friend was broken up with by her partner of 6 years by a man who needed his own space. She understood at the time but he was insistent it wasn't that and the relationship was over. After 4 months he recognised she'd been right and he now wants to start again. She's seeing him casually but says she could never trust him again after he tore her life apart so easily.

rhubarb39 · 16/10/2019 12:01

Not cool I've had mixed messages tbh throughout. I knew he liked his space.. But I also know he lived with someone and a child prior so figured it would be OK.. We had plans, he changed them...he blames me for pressuring him when all I wanted to know was what was going on.
I've just had a total meltdown..forgot weekends.. Its his birthday soon, I had such a great present.. And Christmas.. I can't cope.. I have no real family.. Non I want to be with.. Friends all busy or family's.. I feel so so low right now 😢

Notcoolmum · 16/10/2019 13:51

@rhubarb39 is there anything you could do for you this weekend? Anything you'd wanted to do but didn't because he didn't want to. Or please reach out to friends. I'm sure they would hate to know you were struggling on your own.

I know it's a platitude but time really does help. This is all so new to you and it will hurt so much. Physically even. But I can promise you it won't always feel this way. I've been in a 13 year marriage. A 5 year relationship and a 6 month relationship. The ending of them all was horrendously painful. But I can look back in them without feeling that pain now.

rhubarb39 · 16/10/2019 14:40

Thanks not cool.. I'm seeing my dd on Saturday, feel like such a terrible mum as am just not feeling it.. We've spent the last 3 years of weekends together, I'm being so selfish saying that but because I know I can't ever again I'm so sad. Sunday no idea.
I've just written a novel about how I felt/feel.. Its helped a little.. Obvisouky I haven't sent but have decided if I haven't heard by Sunday eve I may.. Is that too soon? Should I take that as him definately done.. I do know he is stubborn though and I always make the first move.

Notcoolmum · 16/10/2019 15:37

@rhubarb39 how old is your DD? I don't think there are any rules at this stage. It's all new and grab and you should feel free to say what you need to when you need to. It may be too soon for this but also i find it useful to remind myself its not that we can't do such and such. It's that he doesn't want to. It's a choice he has made. Whilst it's upsetting it also stokes my anger

I met up with my ex and he told me some health problems he'd had and I felt sad he had gone through them alone. Then reminded myself that was his choice. I would have supported him as his girlfriend but he didn't want me to be that person. It stopped me feeling sorry for myself. And for him too.

rhubarb39 · 16/10/2019 16:09

Not cool she's 20.
Yea agreed and I understand re the illness part, it's like they want you to feel sorry for them, yet youd have been there?

TinselAndKnickers · 16/10/2019 18:19

So sorry everyone is feeling rubbish. I am thinking of calling when I know he won't answer and leaving a voice message, I've typed out everything I want to say. Not sure it will do much good but I think I might do it anyway because it can't get much worse Grin

Notcoolmum · 16/10/2019 19:07

Hope you have a lovely time with your DD @rhubarb39 I'm sure she will be worried about you.
That's why it helps with my anger. Their choice. So they can deal with it.

How long have you been apart @TinselAndKnickers is there much you haven't said to him? What is it you are hoping to get by calling him. What if he did answer? Do you have other people
Who can support you through what is clearly a very difficult time for you?

TinselAndKnickers · 16/10/2019 19:29

Been apart 3 months and there's a lot I haven't said for fear of pushing him away but now I don't give a shit. If he did answer I'd still say it tbf then hang up. I'm just hoping to say it and be done instead of keep thinking it over

Notcoolmum · 16/10/2019 21:14

I think there is merit in that @TinselAndKnickers. The only downside being that they tend to have their say. It's easier to think of what you want to say but often their reaction can cause more pain or confusion. But if you have things to say then do it. A wise friend reminded me this week that we are the leading lady in our life. Not an understudy. We need to be active and see ourselves in this way. And not passively wait for what might come our way.

Dorri82 · 16/10/2019 21:37

Hey guys
New here. Just having a quick read through. It amazes me that you're all still friends with ex's on social media! Why do that to yourselves? Get rid of them for your own sanity!
So here's my story...
Was with the ex 7 years and we have a 3 yo little girl. Just didn't work for a long time. He slept downstairs for the last 2 years of our relationship. We didn't do anything together and I'd become a nagging pain having to tell him to shower or cut his nails etc. It was really bad.
I finally left last July. I had to leave the family home with my little one and stay at a relatives sharing a bed with my girl. He went out and spent £15000 on a car while I was scrapping enough to move out and start again.
Boxing day he told me he'd met someone. I don't know why but I freaked. I think it was because I felt low being Xmas and not having a home.
So I found myself pleading with him to get back together. He made me sweat and was quite mean. I also found out he'd introduced our little girl to this new woman after 2 weeks and tried to keep it quiet. But anyway I felt desperate and lonely. We started trying again. I still didn't want to move back in with him though so I saved enough to move and buy all new things. He helped me with the move. I began a very intensive course at work in January that really took it out of me as well as working full time, looking after a toddler and moving etc. So two weeks before my exam last month he came round and said he didn't think it was working because I can't give him the attention and time he wanted. I kind of agreed and almost felt a little relieved because I'd been under so much pressure with everything else. Another two weeks later he comes round again to tell me he's met someone... again. I'm angry, sad, confused, relieved all at the same time. I know deep down I only wanted him back the first time because I couldn't stand the thought of him being with someone else and I fear that's how I'm feeling this time so I'm trying to sit on my feelings and not say anything. It's so hard because I do love him but I just know it won't ever work properly. Too much has been said and done. It's just so hard trying to get on without that person in your life and not just having them there.
I explained to him I needed some space and that itd be easier if we had minimal contact etc but he still wants to be my friend!! I can't do that right now. I want to hate him but I can't. Sorry... long post!!! Haha

TinselAndKnickers · 16/10/2019 21:41

I agree with that! I'm going to sleep on it and reword it to be concise and to the point.

@Dorri82 bloody hell what a prick! Sounds like you're well rid. Well done for seeing sense!

rhubarb39 · 16/10/2019 22:17

Tinsel good luck of you do it, I wrote an unintentional novel earlier, my friends proof read it, says its great and makes sense etc but thinks it will stress him so we've decided to send a short one on Friday and see how that goes.. As much as you've advised sitting back and hoping I just can't do it.. I'm tearing my hair out and struggling to work, I need something one way or another back from him. Unfortunately I'm not feeling positive about what I'm going to get back but least I'll know.
So what do you write that's short and sweet to the point?

Doris that's awful, I can honestly say if I knew of anyone else I'd find mine easier to deal with.. I hope you can move forward knowing how he is now

Notcoolmum · 16/10/2019 22:27

@rhubarb39 what is it you want to ask him. Are you asking if you are really over or if he just needs some space?

rhubarb39 · 16/10/2019 22:49

I guess both.. I haven't had that literal 'were over' I feel like I'm dangling unsure how he feels. I think I know what I'll get is not what I want but I need to know.. I've thought of a million messages and am dreading each and every ones responce I may get.. But I can't carry on like this again next week so thought I'd send Friday to allow him the weekend to think

Notcoolmum · 17/10/2019 09:41

@rhubarb39 I'd be very direct. Tell him you need to know where you stand and that if he needs space you will give it to him but it can't go on indefinitely as your feelings for him haven't changed.

rhubarb39 · 17/10/2019 09:50

Not cool thanks. How are you doing?
As I said I wrote what turned into a novel, as much as I think it would help.. It won't, my friends right he will just stress at having lots to take in again. I've complied this..
'hi I hope you're OK. If there is any chance of us working through what we had I'd really like to try. There's no pressure, if you need space/time I understand.. I guess I...

Then I don't don't know what to put.. I guess I what? I guess I just feel like I don't know how you're feeling?

TinselAndKnickers · 17/10/2019 10:40

No, there is pressure! He will just keep you at arms lengths till he decides he's lonely. Trust me!

Take out that bit and just say something simply like "Hi, I hope you're doing well. Just a quick message to ask whether you think there's a chance of us working through this and giving things a try. I know I'd like to. I understand you need time but I need to know how you're feeling."

Bluebird99 · 17/10/2019 10:40

I’m 9 days on from the last time we spoke and I still feel no better. I miss him so, so much.
He’s still got me blocked too. I feel like I will never be able to move on from him 😔

rhubarb39 · 17/10/2019 11:14

Tinsel thanks, I'm so up and down, I guess I want him to try.. He will say its not because he doesn't want to it's just his way. He will feel like he's harrasing me as he's said..i feel like I'd actually love to be harrased by him. Part of me is terrified of the answer I'll get which is stopping me sending anything
Bluebird hugs, it's awful, I'm only 4 days since we got back off holiday. Feels like weeks