Break up support thread 3

[herbsmokedchicken]

We’re all still here...

Yes I’m not sure what to suggest, it could come across in different ways depending on what the person is like! Tricky.

@Bluebird99 yes I struggle with that, I was talking to A all day and now I haven’t spoken to him in nearly 3 weeks and before that was 6 weeks. It’s bizarre. Altho in hindsight now I can appreciate that a lot of my texts I sent purely to get a reply rather than because I actually had anything to say so I’m learning from that, have cut right down on the random texts I send people and I feel fine for it, I realise now how much rubbish I was texting people!

I think I might go ahead and message his friend (tomorrow, after my date! I know my priorities are all over the place lol) and just let them know I'm really very worried about him and that if he doesn't want to talk to me even that's ok so long as I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!!! It's really the not knowing that's getting to me I think. So even if the friend finds it weird or he's put out that I messaged them (I don't have any reason to think that except my own overthinking tbh) at least I might finally get some answers. It's all so grim though, I really liked him a lot

Yeah you may as well, possibly they will think you are an oddball but at least you can hopefully be an oddball with answers

I know, my anxious overthinking brain is telling me they'll think badly of me lol but hopefully they'll understand I really had NO OTHER WAY to get answers??? They know all about his mental health struggles in the aftermath of that awful thing that happened to him etc too so hopefully they would also realise I would OF COURSE be concerned and it's natural... hopefully!!!

Yeah I think as long as you keep it breezy and light they will hopefully be cool!

A wreck tonight. Crying and snottering everywhere. Just want this to have all been a bad dream.

For FUCKS sake. Sometimes I convince myself he’s going to come by my house. I hear cars drive down the road and think it’s him. So heard a car go down the road and stop. Convinced myself it was him. Then there was a knock at the door!
Was my uncle bringing round some tomatoes. My heart fucking stopped tho honestly.

Hi all. Sorry to see so many of us are still hurting.

I posted on the first thread. A short but promising relationship ended in May. He was recently separated and said he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. Even though things had felt serious to me. I went NC but found it really hard to get over. He contacted me a few weeks ago out of the blue and asked to meet up. Nothing changed when we met up, he didn't offer me anything more than we had before. In fact it wasn't really clear why he'd asked to meet me.

This week we were in touch again and he dropped in to conversation he'd had some health problems. And it seemed that's why he had been keen to see me before. I've invited him over tomorrow to talk about it. I care about him and he doesn't really open up to anyone so I felt fine about being someone he can talk to.

Do you think it's possible to be friends with someone who broke up with you? I feel like we had such a strong connection and I have mourned the loss of him in my life for months. But I'm not sure if I'm just opening myself up for more pain or if we can build on our connection and have something platonic?

I absolutely don't want to get back with him on limited terms. But I do miss him being in my life.

@Notcoolmum I think it will be tricky to be friends but possible as long as you enforce boundaries, ie no sex otherwise it could become FWB and it sounds like you want more than that. But I would go ahead as you have a great connection, just be careful not to get hurt or give him any commitment unless he also offers you.

@rowlett absolutely you should ask! You need answers!

@TinselAndKnickers hope you are doing ok after yesterday

@herbsmokedchicken sorry you are having such a hard time, the anniversary is so painful I know how are you today? My guy I was friends with and seeing on and off for about 18 months. He helped me through some really hard life events and we had a great connection. We were really falling in love and suddenly he retreated and then announced he was going to move in with his ex who lives a few hours away! I was heartbroken and walked away. He maintained lose contact but now it has been a couple of months and he is telling me he loves me and misses me it is all very confusing but I'm not willing to be OW, I feel he is sincere so maybe I will keep chatting to him and meet him for lunch at some point. What do you think?

rowlett I’m just feeling a bit flat and sad at the moment, after my massive crying session yesterday I calmed down and had an OK evening. This time last year I had no idea I was going to ask him out later in the day! It’s just so sad to think about, I finally worked up the courage, he said yes, I was so excited and happy, then nine months later it all went to shit. I know I don’t regret it really, but sometimes I do sort of wish I’d never sent it. I’d have gotten over my crush in the end. But it was worth it really, we had a lovely time and learned things about ourselves but just this pain at the end is so hard!

Think Sunday will prob be worse cos that would be the proper anniversary of us actually getting together and I try so hard not to think about what it would be like but it sneaks in.

Thanks @PuffinSock yes I'm clear there needs to be no physical contact between us. I sort of think seeing him in real life a few times might help me see the real him and work out my feelings. As opposed to the romanticised idea of him and us clouded by the feeling of being rejected.

I am going to be a bit harsher with you I'm afraid. So your ex told you he loved you and then left you to go back to his wife. And is now telling you he wants you but has no intention of leaving his wife. And you are still in contact with him? This must be causing you so much pain. You don't want to be The other woman. You are worth more than that. You won't ever be able to let go of him whilst you are holding on to the hope and keeping him in your life. I would advise having it all out with him and then going no contact. Delete off social media. Delete your old messages. Delete him from your phone. And as he isn't letting you go easily I Think you will need to block him.

Make sure you tell him everything you want to say first. I say this as I spent 2 months of NC obsessing over what if I'd told him this and then broke it to have my say. It will feel awful. But also there comes with it a huge sense of relief. I found the 'exbackcoach' really helpful. Not in terms of getting him back. I strongly believe NC should be about your own healing and not a ploy to win them back, but because it explained the stages my ex would be going through and how he'd experience hearing from me when he was in the relief he'd ended it phase.

I think he is being very cruel to you telling you he has these feelings when he has ended things and gone back to his wife. Do you feel any anger towards him? My friends have said the same about my ex getting back in touch.

@Notcoolmum that is such a helpful perspective, thank you! I will definitely try that website. I agree that it is quite cruel and I suspect its driven but selfishness. I think he did love/have strong feelings for me but for whatever reason he loves her more/more practical/easier/better lifestyle to be with her. Shes not his wife but he was with her for several years, they split up then he met me.

He knows I'm dating other men and it seems to be bothering him, he keeps asking, he knows I will be in another relationship sooner or later, hence he wants to keep me as a 'friend'.

@PuffinSock I'd also recommend you read Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl. And do think about cutting him off. You really aren't friends.

So mine has been and gone. Helped me with some diy. Not sure I can do friends either. Too much emotion stirred up.

How is everyone today? I’m off work today (not specifically because of what day it is, just wanted to get a long weekend in this month and this was the only day available), woke up feeling ok, then about 12 had a big crying fit and as I’m alone I could just chat away to myself lol. Now I’m back to feeling ok but not amazing. I know I’ll be a bit of a wreck this weekend but from Monday will start trying a bit harder to move on, as I feel the last month and a half or so I’ve not really made any progress. Doesn’t help that I still can’t shake the belief that he will come back! I know he won’t - clearly from the other week he doesn’t regret his decision, and I actually don’t think he’d try to come back even if he did as wouldn’t want to mess me around, so I know it’s over but just can’t seem to believe it fully still. I’m hoping Sunday will bring some closure. Need to try my meditation app again, keep forgetting!

My ex has decided to inform people I was a psychopath and people in group are pretty much taken sides, now it's just really upsetting to point I taken 2 weeks off sick cause it is just upset me this much!

Oh no that’s horrible, you poor thing

Fucking hurts that I’m not going to his for our anniversary weekend. When will this stop hurting? When will I stop waiting for him to text me?

Couple of hours it’ll be a year since I asked him out. Looked back at the messages I sent to the group chat about it and now I feel as nervous as I did when I was waiting for the reply which is really annoying as obviously not anything to feel nervous about anymore 🙄

Checked and at 9.35 it’ll be exactly a year since I pressed send. My heart hurts. I wonder if he realises what day it is.

Hi everyone, I have NC for this post as I don't want it linked to anything else just in case. I'm sure you can work out which saddo I am though went on Thursday, turns out that I have miscarried a baby that I didn't know I could have. And I still might have cancer on top of that.
I rang him and he came to see me late last night, I told him and we both cried and hugged and held hands and he kissed my hands and he apologised for everything and he was so kind. I told him I couldn't be his friend. We spoke a bit this morning and he's said he is happy "right now" but loves me and thinks about me every day. So I just said I can't be his friend and whilst it's always an open door between us, I'm closing it for now. So very sad and I love him so much, so sad that he feels the same but just can't be with me. I won't wait forever, I know that, but it's hard to imagine a day when I won't welcome him back with open arms. And now I am mourning the loss of a baby I didn't know about.

I’m so sorry about your sad news, at least you have managed to come to a decision about what to do re contact with your ex. I really hope you get definitive answers about your health soon, and obviously that it’s a good answer

@NCohfuck so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. Take time to grieve for your loss.
I hope you get some positive news about your health, very soon.

When you say your ex 'cant' be with you. What does that mean? I assume he has made a choice?

He said he's happy where he is "personally right now" and "I'm never saying no to anything, you know that" so essentially is expecting me to hang about. I said it's always going to be an open door between us but I have to close it for now.

Definitely need to close that door for your own mental health. He's making a choice not to be with you. ❤️

And I need to take my own advice.