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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Break up support thread 3

999 replies

herbsmokedchicken · 20/09/2019 21:01

We’re all still here...

OP posts:
Bluebird99 · 09/10/2019 14:38

Hi everyone, I thought I’d join in the conversation in hope of some support/advice.

I’ve been seeing a guy as FWB for 6 months, very intense, lots of feelings, talking morning til night every day.

Yesterday he told me completely out of the blue that he had decided to go back to his wife who he separated from 2 years ago following her cheating.

I’m heartbroken

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 09/10/2019 15:43

oh no that’s horrible, you poor thing. Welcome to our club. It’s a rubbish club but we do our best.

I’ve been feeling sort of OK today but going a bit flat now. I just...it’s almost a year since we got together and I was so happy, it’s just really hard to get my head around it. I just still don’t understand what happened and I don’t think either of us ever really will. Bah.

OP posts:
Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 09/10/2019 16:48

Just had a cry in the loo. And I’d been doing so well today!! Ugh I just can’t get my head around it! Why did this happen? Like logically I know it happens all the time and probably just was never “real” love to begin with but emotionally I can’t process it, I can’t understand how he went from loving me to not.

OP posts:
Bluebird99 · 09/10/2019 17:09

I hope you’re okay! I keep crying too and I know people are going through much worse breakups but I just miss him so much

TinselAndKnickers · 09/10/2019 17:32

Feeling very rubbish today and scared for tomorrow. I want to speak to him so badly. Sad

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 09/10/2019 17:34

Yes I bet, I really hope you get good news

OP posts:
TinselAndKnickers · 09/10/2019 18:52

I hope so too. If it's bad I will need to call him and tell him but then again he hasn't asked.

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 09/10/2019 19:16

I don’t know the guy so only guessing but tbf he may feel awkward or like asking would make it worse? Or he might just be an insensitive knob, I dunno. But do what feels right to you, don’t force yourself.

I feel shit today, it’s this bloody autumn weather, making me remember all our times cuddled up in bed when it was cold. I need to start putting more effort into stopping those thoughts straight away instead of indulging them for a few seconds. I just...I know I keep saying it. But I still can’t believe this has happened. I just can’t. I’m hoping our would-be anniversary might bring some closure.

OP posts:
TinselAndKnickers · 09/10/2019 19:19

I miss him Sad it's so sad isn't it.

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 09/10/2019 19:44

It is! Like I know I’ll feel better eventually but right now I feel so shit and I find it so hard to accept that he doesn’t love me anymore.

OP posts:
Jonsnowsghost · 09/10/2019 20:21

Still miss my ex, he ended up treating me pretty badly but I still miss him. Love is confusing!

TinselAndKnickers · 09/10/2019 20:27

I wonder if they do "always come back" probably when it's too late 😅

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 09/10/2019 20:44

Haha I don’t know how much I believe that, I don’t really recall any of my friends except one getting back with their ex and don’t remember any of them saying their exes tried to get them back, but I keep seeing it everywhere! Altho most people seem to say it’s when you’ve moved on and don’t want them anymore so not especially helpful. When A was staying here there was a slim, very slim chance but now he’s moving away, we won’t see each other again, I highly doubt he will even think of me in a few months time. The odds of our paths ever crossing again are highly remote. Tbh I actually wouldn’t be surprised if he quietly unfriended me once he’s gone.

I’m still not sure if I believe in God or not (have vaguely touched before on these threads on taking tentative steps towards religion) but today I suddenly thought to myself “I just have to trust that if it’s meant to be, God will bring us together again” and it did make me feel comforted 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
TinselAndKnickers · 09/10/2019 21:25

I think the same. Just hard to switch my feelings off Sad

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 09/10/2019 21:48

It’s so hard! I get so pissed off when people try and helpfully tell me to take my mind off it like yes I do try!

Also when people say I will find somebody else eventually. My friends all had “normal” dating history, as much as you can define normal, none of them have experienced what I have. I was single for SIXTEEN YEARS before I found A and those were just silly two or three week teen relationships so really I’ve essentially been single all my life. It’s not comforting to say I will find someone else - fucking when??? Even when I’m finally ready, I know it is going to take a while. And then I’ll need to get over the inevitable trust issues this is going to leave me with. I thought this was all done with, I thought I had my one and only, it’s not comforting in the slightest to tell me that I have to get out there again one day.

OP posts:
Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 09/10/2019 21:50

Sorry bit of a rant there lol

OP posts:
PuffinSock · 10/10/2019 06:11

@Bluebird99 sorry to hear that, my guess is that he will be back wanting you if things were going well between you, sounds like he is confused. Be careful though! Maybe dont be too available so he doesnt think he can see both of you.

@TinselAndKnickers you are FANTASTIC!!! Amazing that you saw him and just kept on going. I really think that behaviour will make him think twice. Best of luck today you are in my thoughts Flowers

@herbsmokedchicken I hear you, I think it's actually quite rare that you really click with someone, I've been on loads of dates over the years and it's rare to properly fall in love I think. I hope too that this weekend will bring closure, do you think he will also be thinking about it?

@Jonsnowsghost its horrible isnt it Sad love makes you so vulnerable, what he did was awful but it's so hard to stop loving still.

I had a ten min chat with mine, initiated by him. I had been ignoring the 'hello' messages every few days and tbh was surprised he even had time for a chat now he lives with his new gf who was his ex. He said again that he loves me, always wants to be my friend, misses me and he wants to go for lunch in our favourite cafe when he visits the area (he has moved away). I find it comforting in a way but also heartbreaking. I feel like he genuinely misses me otherwise why keep contacting and I do feel like he loves me, but I also know he is in a relationship now and living her (his ex) so I'm not willing to be the other woman. I kept it friendly and agreed we could have lunch as friends only.

What do you all think??

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 10/10/2019 07:28

@PuffinSock yes it’s horrible! We just always seemed so destined, it seemed like everything had happened specifically to bring us together but that all sounds a bit naive now but it seemed it. But if I believe that I have to believe we were always destined to end. I don’t know. It’s so sad. If he remembers what day it is he will probably feel a bit sad but not a wreck like I will be! Had a dreamed he pulled up in his car to say hello and I hate mundane dreams like that cos they make me feel like we are not over but we aaaaare Sad

The lunch thing is weird, maybe he has something to say about why it ended that he can only say face to face? I can’t remember exactly how you broke up tho, too many stories to keep track of on here Sad

All the best for today @TinselAndKnickers

OP posts:
Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 10/10/2019 09:50

Just stupidly let myself have a few seconds of imagining how our weekend would go if we were together. Idiot! Floodgates opened.

OP posts:
TinselAndKnickers · 10/10/2019 10:27

My appointment is at 3:30 - thank you. It's a long wait. Wish I could speak to himSad

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 10/10/2019 11:49

Ah yeah that’s frustrating, you’d want it to be nice and early! Will be thinking of you.

OP posts:
rowlett · 10/10/2019 12:30

Hi everyone, sorry for ducking out for a while. Haven't been feeling great. Following on from the urging of some friends I went back on the dating app and actually have a date with someone new arranged for later tonight but... I'm really unenthused about it honestly Blush Which I know isn't fair on the guy and maybe he'll turn out to be the man of my dreams really so I AM going to go in open-minded... we've been chatting a lot on WhatsApp and it's been fine and he seems very nice and really interested in me already... but if I'm going to be honest a BIG part of me is sad that he isn't the guy that vanished. I KNOW HORRIBLE AND UNFAIR but god that guy ticked so many of my boxes and we got on so well, on our first date we ended up laughing till we were in tears and could barely stand. WHY AM I MISSING HIM MORE AND NOT LESS!!!!

I have as yet been too much of a scaredy-cat to seek out his sister at her bar... sorry, it was a good idea and may have solved the mystery but I'm so anxious about it! I have a week off work next week and was planning to go into town shopping one of the days so I might work up the courage to do it then... I know rationally that she would surely realise I was doing it out of concern/coming from a good place/not really being a stalker, and if she went home and told him about it he should realise that too and if he DIDN'T then it's no loss anyway... but ahhhhh the overthinking! I still miss him and how easily we got on Sad He still hasn't resurfaced anywhere online, hasn't even posted on his work instagram (he was recovering from a hand injury and had been posting updates there it was actually relevant to his job but just suddenly nothing for weeks and weeks).

@TinselAndKnickers I hope your appointment goes well Flowers

@herbsmokedchicken I'm so sorry you're still feeling so down Sad I have to say you write really well about how you're feeling and what you're thinking, I know that's a bizarre compliment under the circumstances lol but I had to say it!

@PuffinSock gosh, hard to know what to say! I think I would struggle to be proper/"just" friends with someone under those circumstances but I think you might as well meet for lunch maybe; it may turn out that you realise that you don't want to be friends/it doesn't make you feel any better and then you can go NC or whatever you need to do. But maybe seeing him in person like that will help you decide one way or the other.

@Bluebird99 sorry to hear that, sounds like you were really blindsided. I know people are entitled to end relationships etc but the way he just did that to you out of nowhere after being so intense is really hurtful. Hope you're ok today Flowers

Bluebird99 · 10/10/2019 12:44

@PuffinSock thank you, I kind of hope you’re right. I did make it clear to him that he couldn’t have us both.

I’m just really struggling today, I can’t believe he hasn’t been in touch, I miss him so much and would have thought he would be missing me too... how can you go from speaking all day every day to nothing?!

I hope you’re all having better days x

Original poster
herbsmokedchicken · 10/10/2019 12:45

Nice to see you again rowlett! So odd that he’s not resurfaced at all, I hope he is ok, even tho I don’t know him lol.

Def give that date a go, you never know and even if you don’t end up seeing him again, the act of going on the date in the first place might help you move on from this other chap a little.

OP posts:
rowlett · 10/10/2019 12:46

Also something else I've been mulling over as an alternative to his sister, his best friend has tagged him in a lot of photos on insta over the past year or so and so I know what their instagram is, and he had talked to me about them a little bit anyway so it's not QUITE AS creepy as me stalking and finding them randomly lol, but anyway I was thinking maybe I could message them and ask them if they know what's up/express my concern/just ask them to let me know if he's ok? I don't know if he had told them about me yet (considering I'm the first person he dated since his previous girlfriend passed away and this friend knew her) and so maybe it would be strange me just busting in like "I WAS STARTING TO DATE YOUR FRIEND AND HE DISAPPEARED SUDDENLY" but then again he was fine with everyone else we met knowing we were on a date so maybe it's not a big deal? I feel like it would be slightly less stressful messaging someone on insta than speaking to them in person lol but I'm not sure what to do.