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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Break up support thread 3

999 replies

herbsmokedchicken · 20/09/2019 21:01

We’re all still here...

OP posts:
PuffinSock · 28/09/2019 14:52

@TinselAndKnickers yes he definitely wants me on the back burner. It's so easy to fire off the occasional text saying you miss and love someone, but unless its followed up by some action to be back together and dump the new gf then it's a waste of my headspace.

@Jonsnowsghost I've been replaced too. I slept better last night but I'm grumpy and headache today, it's so horrible, I'd have been so happy to be with him ☹

@Imagiraffe it is very hard to be on the back burner, it can give false hope. I know I'd be feeling better if I'd cut all contact (and hope) a month ago. I've been mostly NC but every romantic text etc can be persuasive. I agree with the others, all the time you're sleeping with him and seeing him he has no reason to leave her. If you cut him off (you could explain why - you love him but cant be second best) then he will be forced to choose. He may choose you or not, he may choose her and then in a month come crawling back, but it must be horrible to continue to be treated so badly by him, you deserve better Flowers

Jonsnowsghost · 28/09/2019 15:04

That's just it, and is something I said to my councillor too, you can say words like I love you and miss you but they're just words! Its actions that count, like I knew my ex loved me because of him always getting up early and coming to horse events with me, he didnt have to but he did it because he loved me :( he doesn't now :(

Imagiraffe · 28/09/2019 15:34

Thank you for your kind words @puffinsock and everyone. I know what I need to do deep down I just need to get stronger in myself so that I can do it. I will get there in the end. I've deep cleaned my bedroom today and got rid of some of his things so small steps. I hope everyone has something nice planned for this evening 😊

PuffinSock · 28/09/2019 16:12

So so true @Jonsnowsghost, it is so easy to say something but actions tell the truth. It is really heartbreaking and depressing ☹ I could never do to someone what these guys have done. Of course it's fine to not be in love anymore etc, my ex husband and I were like that, but to completely blindside someone, one minute telling them you love them then leaving never to be seen again is just horrible.

TinselAndKnickers · 28/09/2019 16:18

I feel the same. How awful Sad I've written a note to leave with his things on his car. Cried whilst writing it even though it's really blunt Grin so sad I actually have to let go now.

If they want you, they'll show it. And he hasn't, so I have no choice but to move forward

Jonsnowsghost · 28/09/2019 16:26

No @PuffinSock I would never ever do what he has done to me. It is fine to fall out of love, horrible as it is, but then at least you can leave without all the extra hurt of cheating then leaving. Although he never actually said he didn't love me anymore, just that he thought the "feelings were elsewhere" which of course they would be if all these exciting hormones are flowing 🙄 I'm just so sad I will never see him again or speak to him again, when I thought we were so happy and would be together a long time, all the plans we had together just gone. Or he'll do them with her instead :(

TinselAndKnickers · 28/09/2019 16:37

I'm so sad!!!!!!

herbsmokedchicken · 28/09/2019 16:50

Sorry I’ve not been around much today, got my nieces. Have been feeling ok today but just seen he’s done a status about how he’s moving away and it’ll be tough to leave here. Not tough enough tho eh? Now I’m sad and feel a bit sick. Nearly a week since we went for our “closure” spin.

OP posts:
KateK00 · 28/09/2019 17:18

Thank you for letting me join everyone, you’re all so strong Flowers
@PuffinSock thank you. He has at least been completely honest about it (I think) and I don’t believe anything has actually happened between them yet. I just really hope it doesn’t and we can fix things, but my gut feeling is bad. He’s been out all day with DS today so I really hope he hasn’t met up with her! I have to stay in because DD is too unwell to go out as usual and DP can’t deal with it Hmm

TinselAndKnickers · 28/09/2019 17:54

I'm proud of us all - ups and downs but we're doing okay Smile

herbsmokedchicken · 28/09/2019 18:35

Yeah it would probably be hard for a casual observer to see but having been in this group for over two months now, I reckon we are doing better!

I’m feeling better now, still a bit sad, still thinking about him, still hoping something will change, but I’m feeling better.

OP posts:
TinselAndKnickers · 28/09/2019 18:53

All week I'll be on eggshells.

Will I see him, won't I see him? Will he text, won't he? Will he see me leaving shit on his car Grin will I see him with another girl on Friday? Won't I? God this is awful

TinselAndKnickers · 28/09/2019 19:10

I'm sobbing Sad

herbsmokedchicken · 28/09/2019 19:20

Ohhh tinsel I’m sorry. As much as I hate the idea of mine leaving at least I won’t have the worry of wondering if I’ll run into him - horrible for you to know he’s def gonna be there. And we are supposed to do this again at some point and hope it doesn’t fuck up this time?!

OP posts:
herbsmokedchicken · 28/09/2019 19:34

This time 11 weeks ago we were cuddled up watching tv and I had no idea it was the last time. 11 weeks ago today is the last time I had a full day of feeling happy and contented.

OP posts:
Imagiraffe · 28/09/2019 19:42

Oh @Tinselandknickers I'm so sorry, I have no words that could possibly make you feel better other than I and others are thinking of you. It's so horrible thinking any time you leave the house you can bump into them possibly with the other woman. I find myself always on the look out for his car. If I did see her with him I know I'd break down, I couldn't stand it.
I wonder when or if we'll ever stop these thoughts? @Herbsmokedchicken. Everything is a constant reminder of what we've lost.

herbsmokedchicken · 28/09/2019 20:02

Yeah @Imagiraffe it doesn’t help that I tend to always count stuff in weeks, like “oh it’s three weeks since I did such and such”, I’ll lose count eventually tho. Think when we got together and I was counting that I lost count around the 13 week mark. Just hate it so much, I just still can’t understand how we could be so happy and then he could just fall out of love with me. He will move away and it’ll be some memory for him. But will it just be a memory for me?

OP posts:
PuffinSock · 28/09/2019 20:02

@Jonsnowsghost that's so sad. Remember she cant replace you as she would be a poor substitute 😊 I know we shouldn't care and it's none of our business, but I cant help but feel these new relationships they've jumped into may fail, doesnt always seem very well thought through...especially if these guys had been genuinely happy with us, I definitely think all the lusty hormones and grass is greener syndrome may have influenced. I need yo stop thinking about him though.

@TinselAndKnickers I don't envy you maybe having to see him. Sounds really hard and nerve wracking. I'll likely never see mine again ☹ but I guess in some ways it's less stressful knowing I dont have to encounter him.

@herbsmokedchicken and @Imagiraffe I wonder when it will stop too. I think messaging (in my case) and seeing them (for you) has maybe prolonged it.

I know I should really block him but I spend my time hoping he will message again. Even though I know hes moved on and in a new relationship. Whereas when he first told me (over a month ago) I was holding out hope he may return, or at least we would meet and chat, now I know theres no realistic chance he will do that. His new relationship needs to play out, then potentially he may regret it in a few months time, but I know its very unlikely he would change his mind at this point. By the time he could change his mind I hope I've met someone wonderful...😭

PuffinSock · 28/09/2019 20:13

@herbsmokedchicken when you saw him did he seem upset? Fwiw I'm sure he has missed you and will do in the future. If it felt like he loved you then I believe he did. If he had cultural issues that he felt were insurmountable then I wonder if he has just tried to block out how he loved you, because his head is telling him he cant be with you even though his heart wants to? He may have thought if he gives too much suggestion of missing you then you would beg him to stay and he would feel even more conflicted, when hes already made his mind up that he definitely cant be with you?

I may be totally wrong, just some thoughts 😊

herbsmokedchicken · 28/09/2019 20:18

Tbh I’m choosing not to look into it too deeply cos I’ll convince myself of stuff that won’t happen! I know when he loved me it was real, it just didn’t last and was probably never meant to be anything other than a lovely first relationship. As hard as that is to accept right now.

OP posts:
TinselAndKnickers · 28/09/2019 20:41

I am bloody so upset tonight! And he's just talking to whoever he can Sad

I don't want to be without him any more. He's had his fun, can he come back now?

Jonsnowsghost · 28/09/2019 20:44

@PuffinSock I know I should block him too but it's hard as I would love a text from him so i dont want to remove that chance! I will move on one day but it's still so raw to me, even three months on. We did so much together and having to go from that to nothing is taking some getting used to. However, I do think that the hormones and grass is greener syndrome is coming into play for both our exes. So who knows, they may fail, maybe not right now but maybe a few more months down the line, once the honeymoon phase is over. We also just can't know how much happier they are, maybe he thinks he has to stick at it because he made that decision, even if he's not fully happy? I just can't tell so I try not to think about it, although i have convinced myself that he's much happier now :(

TinselAndKnickers · 28/09/2019 20:57

I hope the greener grass they left for dries up soon, in all our cases, I really do

PuffinSock · 28/09/2019 21:18

@Jonsnowsghost I agree, if they've decided to be in a relationship with someone else then I would be very surprised if they made a hasty u turn. Especially if it's all been announced to family etc 🙄 if it's meant to be then great, I dont want to stand in the way of true love. But it may also be that once all the gloss and glitter and honeymoon stage has worn off then they realise the new person isn't who they had hoped for.

@TinselAndKnickers that sounds awful! You are a strong woman, try to show him how together/confident/happy you are. It seems like too much emotion/crying etc hasnt worked for us on this thread...

TinselAndKnickers · 28/09/2019 21:23

Oh don't worry - I'm not showing any of this crap to him. I'd rather choke Grin

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