Settling down young... missed out/affair

[TrickyAF]

I’m in turmoil.
I settled young, married for a long time. Happily married but finding in my late 30s I’m strongly feeling I’ve missed out on experiencing other men and have been almost pulled into an affair with another married man.
I feel almost panic stricken that I will look back and regret not taking the opportunity.
I know it could end in disaster.
But I can’t seem to think logically.

You can't say you are happily married, OP, when you say your are tempted to have an affair. There must be something lacking in your marriage to make you ponder on the 'missing out'.

By all means have an affair...trash your husband's feelings in the process, why don't you. But the sensible thing would be to end your marriage and then go and play the field if that is what you want.

Warning: the grass is never greener on the other side. Don't be stupid.

The grass is always greener. I wonder how you will feel when you’ve lost your marriage?

If there is a genuine problem with your relationship, focus on fixing that first. If there’s no problem, you just have FOMO then you’ve got some serious thinking to do. Leave, don’t have an affair.

You think you will regret not taking the chance to fuck over your husband? Really?

I married young and mid 30s split. There were other issues, but I felt like you. I didnt want to be settled.

So I got a divorce. I didnt try and keep my marriage and fuck someone else.

If you want to keep your marriage then keep away from this other man.

If you can't bear the thought of your current situation being 'it' forever, then separate from your husband.

I know it's not that easy but you would be doing the best thing for your husband and yourself to divorce if you don't value your marriage to him enough to remain faithful.

You cannot be happily married. I met my husband at 20, married him at 23 and nearly 20 years later still adore him. He was my first boyfriend too. The grass is rarely greener. If you don't want to be with your husband, then do the decent thing and split before shagging other men.

Ah, the desire for the life unlived. Many fall into that trap. Most regret it.

Best you channel your energies into your marriage, whatever brings you a sense of joy and challenge and hope you grow through the moment. Easier said than done I’ll admit but easier than explaining to your kids why mummy and daddy aren’t living together anymore. Cheaper too.

Oh, the grass is always greener. I remember being on the dating scene in my early twenties and thinking it was completely awful and wishing I had a lovely boyfriend.

As someone who was in the exact same position as you, had the same questions in my mind etc, my advice is to go for it as you need to experience it - life is too short not to.

You need to answer those nagging questions. You have to be prepared to go through pain though and potentially those around you.
If you can keep it secret and not hurt anyone, it can definitely be worth it and will make you feel alive again.

Really examine your relationship and work out if you actually are 'happy'. I realised I wasn't, and over the past five months or so, have realised that there's not actually a lot my partner can do about that. part of it is that we are just different people, the other part of it is a difference in sexual preferences. I did have a (short) affair, and it brought everything to a head. it made working out how to go on in my relationship much more complicated.

my partner is very difficult to talk to, and i did try without much success over the years. i would try and talk to you partner, and work out what is 'missing' - even if what is 'missing' is a more open relationship, or trying something new sexually (with him).

OP I hugely disagree with pp regarding the happiness of your marriage.

You are an animal as much as you are a human. You can have REALLY strong sexual urges while still loving a partner dearly. Sexual fulfillment is rare in monogamy. That's also why monogamy itself is pretty rare... we arent built for it.

You may be experiencing what I've heard termed as "egg dumping syndrome" where your sex drive jumps massively in concert with the number of eggs you're releasing in preparation for perimenopause. You know how they say older women are more likely to have fraternal twins? It's because they are dumping more eggs...

My own drive jumped at age 32, my mum had slightly early menopause so that's probably what happened to me.

Theres likely nothing wrong with you. The issue is that in a society that doesn't look kindly on women who seek out extramarital sexual contact, you're at risk of seriously damaging your marriage and family life if you succumb to the urge you're having.

Can you get in touch with a therapist? I'd recommend a sex positive therapist who won't shame you for having very ordinary sexual feelings (! They are surprisingly rare). I think you need to talk this through with someone irl, get some strategies in place to manage these feelings before they potentially ruin your life.

If the door was shut, no one could walk through it. If the door is open, then there's an issue somewhere in your marriage, even if you're not sure what it is yet.

Happily married people don't have affairs. Unhappily married people don't always have affairs - far from it - but it opens that door. If the 'right' person then shows up, you can easily allow them to walk through it.

You have to work out where you are, how open/shut that door is, and what you're going to do next.

And when you fuck up your husbands head and someone else’s wife’s head and are miserable and alone or with a turd that cheats to be with you you will wish you are married again.

Just accept you can’t experience everything in life, that’s what the rest of us over 5 have to accept? If there’s an issue with your husband before this then yeah work at that, counselling chat leave whatever but not because oh why can’t I try everything.

If you want to pursue an emotional and/or sexual relationship with another man, and this is a higher priority for you than your relationship with your DH, tell your DH of your wishes and / or end your marriage first. Cheating is unethical.

Sounds like you’re already in emotional affair territory.

You can have your husband or you can have someone else. You can't have both. Your husband deserves better.

What are you missing in your marriage?

I'm in a similar boat to you OP I don't want to leave my marriage but I am craving something extra. I haven't acted on it physically yet and don't know if I ever will but the want is there

@pinkmonkeybird

Couldn't have said it better myself. Great advice.

rvby you are completely correct. Everyone is being very simplistic.

Did the opposite of you OP. I confirm that 95% of the sex was SHITE. 90% of the charming seduction chat was bollox. And 90% of the promises were a lie. All I was left with was disappointment and STIs. Wasted my time with charming twats and arseholes who could talk the talk, but couldn't walk the walk because I thought that's what fun opportunity were.

OP, I've been there, feeling like something wasn't quite right in my marriage. DH was my first boyfriend and after a year of marriage, I had a breakdown.

I spent months and months weighing up the grass isn't greener/ life's too short seesaw (reading thousands of posts on mumsnet), and none of us can tell you what to do. It's really, really hard having your head turned and I think you need to be kind to yourself and acknowledge the feelings to help you avoid acting on them.

You have to work through this, and pay attention to your life. Try counselling, individual and couples, explore the other facets of your life - work, hobbies, friends, family, to recognise if this is an issue with your marriage or something wider. Take responsibility for where you are in your life and take a few months to be very honest with yourself.

If you decide to leave your marriage, then you are entitled to, but I think you know that looking elsewhere is a coward's way out of a challenge and not the answer, otherwise you'd be shagging the OM, not talking to us.

Yeah, late 30s in a long relationship is shit. Unless both of you are the same people you were 15/20 years ago.

Sorry OP, probably not what you want to hear. But if it helps you're not alone.

Xx

I think it’s very easy for people to say “well you can’t be happily married then”. Actually I am. Very happy, but also being married with kids is monotonous in a normal way. I think it’s probably difficult to get opinions on here because it’s full of cheated on spouses. I’m starting to feel like life long monogamy from 18years old is just not what we are designed to do. Thank you you those who understand.

I guess part of me is worried about looking back and wishing I’d done it. I’m aware that in ten twenty years I won’t be as desirable as I am now and the opportunity might be gone. Or if I’m ten years my husband bangs someone else I’ll be thinking why didn’t I go for it.
It’s so complicated, but I’m really grateful for those who empathise. If it was easy there wouldn’t be so so many people my age having affairs. I have zero desire to run off into the sunset with someone else. I don’t want the sort of affair you leave for.

Actually I am. Very happy, but also being married with kids is monotonous in a normal way

But that’s about having dc and happens in most relationships. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had zero boyfriends or seventeen.

And I agree with others, if you’re thinking of having an affair, you are most definitely not “very happy”. Someone who is happy in their relationship, is not thinking about having sex with someone else.

I don’t think it’s about our marriage. I think it’s about me. I wouldn’t want to be married to anyone else.