Settling down young... missed out/affair

[TrickyAF]

I’m in turmoil.
I settled young, married for a long time. Happily married but finding in my late 30s I’m strongly feeling I’ve missed out on experiencing other men and have been almost pulled into an affair with another married man.
I feel almost panic stricken that I will look back and regret not taking the opportunity.
I know it could end in disaster.
But I can’t seem to think logically.

Google If I didn't have you by Tim Minchin. Have a listen to the lyrics. May not help you but may make you smile.

Blimey, some people on here are so one dimensional. Remember Op, there are plenty of people on MN that have zero libido and will be unable to empathise, and will just say "you can't be happy then".

Marriage shouldn't feel like a prison sentence. It is hard I think, to have to stand by the decision you made at 18 years old. For Life.

I think it's entirely normal, to feel how you are feeling. You've been with your DH for 20 years, he was most likely your first boyfriend and possibly the only man you've had sex with? Totally normal that you might now, after all this time, start to notice other men, especially as you hit a time in life where you may feel that your youth is slipping away (it's not btw, but I think everyone feels a bit like that, when they approach milestone birthdays).

I married my first BF, when I was 20. I'm pretty sure I would have stayed faithful, but I did sometimes wonder what another man would be like. Unfortunately my DH cheated many times, and when I was your age, I as a consequence went off the rails and had some affairs. The excitement was off the charts, at the beginning, with the thought of what was going to happen. BUT....the harsh reality is that :

1. Men who sleep with married women are predators. They promise the earth and don't deliver. You end up feeling like a fool.

1. The sex is shit. They are very selfish in bed.

1. The men are mostly fucking jaded and end up nasty.

1. The men are never only seeing you. You'll be one booty call of many.

1. The marriage will end and your kids will be devastated.

All of the above, drove me to have a mini breakdown to be honest.

It all worked out okay for me in the end. I had loads of sex and got it out of my system, then I met my now DH who had had a plethora of women before me. We both settled down, and neither of us has any "itch" to scratch because we've got it out of our systems.

The thing is, even if you believe all I've said above, you might just go ahead anyway, because the desire to shag someone else is so strong. It's very hard, because neither path is easy for you.

It’s literally the excitement of sex, attention, the buzz.

So your aren’t getting these things in your marriage? Which means you aren’t happy as you are missing this stuff.

I’ve been married 30 years, we married very young, yes there’s been periods where married life is “boring” and you have thoughts of “what if I’d done X”, but Ive never once thought of having an affair.

If you’re looking at a specific individual and thinking you want to have an affair- you need to go and get some counselling.

IOp, there are plenty of people on MN that have zero libido and will be unable to empathise, and will just say "you can't be happy then"*

I believe you can be happy and have an affair....but I think it's immoral and selfish to want both. You have to make a decision, is it more important to have some fun (you're not a bad person for wanting this and you're entitled to end a relationship for any reason) or is it more important to stay married? It does make you a shitty person in my opinion to have an affair....as they are just so destructive to the people betrayed.

Those of you that condone such affairs, just know that next time you are heartbroken.......you deserve to be.

So to all those saying that this is totally normal, would you say the same if a man was asking this question?

Any time I've seen a man come on and say the same thing, he has been rightly told he is completely wrong and gets flamed.

rvby 👏🏻

Rarely have I seen such a clear-sighted response on the relationships board.

OP I wish you luck in whichever way you choose to go about tackling this.

I was in a similar situation and suggested an open relationship to my then H at the stage where I was tempted but hadn't acted as I felt he felt similarly. He wasn't keen (despite it coming out afterwards of his own infidelity(!) and we did in the end split but there were other issues at play there apart from us getting together at a young age.

Another voice here to say I understand.

I was happily married, genuinely. But 2 years ago I started to have a growing restlessness and feelings of 'is this it?'
Mine resulted in falling into an emotional affair that I confessed to when it tipped over into a kiss.

After a lot of pain I realised I couldn't commit to my marriage any longer, something was wrong and I couldn't fix it or have any certainty that I'd not do similar again, so we split.

I'm now with the guy I had the initial emotional affair with and I am very happy but it's still painful. I hate the fact that my 'happy' marriage failed and I carry a lot of guilt.

Ultimately only you know what sort of person you are. Can you be content within your marriage or do you want/need something else? Selfishly I went for something else - the rewards are great but the fallout is brutal.

Take care of yourself and be as honest as possible with those you care about.

How would you feel if you found out that your husband had slept with other women because he wanted to experience the thrill of it?

Either discuss having an open marriage and let him sleep with other women too, leave him and find the thrill that you're after or accept that you're happily married and concentrate on that.

@Huskylover1

Just because you had a crap experience and had an affair with a dickhead who was shit in bed, you can’t proclaim this as the norm.

Most people who I know who fuck other people will tell you it’s much better than the boring shit they’ve been accustomed to with their partner.
Not necessarily because of the manner of the sex, but because it’s with someone new and you get ‘that feeling’ again, the intensity.

I think it’s probably difficult to get opinions on here because it’s full of cheated on spouses. I’m starting to feel like life long monogamy from 18years old is just not what we are designed to do. Thank you you those who understand.

I havent been cheated on. I think you need to catch yourself on.

So much justifying to fuck over you husband. Let's see theres been

I dont think monogamy is what we are designed to do That's fine. So tell your husband that and ask for an open marriage. The opposite of monogamy isnt cheating. Funny how you were all for it until met someone you fancied shagging.

DJ might bang someone else so you want to get in there first, just in case he does. He might not. You going to have an affair in case he does. If you got found out, and then your family and kids found out. Is that what you will tell them 'sorry I caused all this but i thought he might shag someone else in future. So just wanted to get their first'

I'm bored you are an adult. If you are bored get a hobby or divorce him and shag who you want. If you are bored, then thata on you.

I wont be as desirable in a few years ah so you need to fuck your husband over now, just incase you find it harder to fuxk him in the future.

Fact is you pretty much know you are going to have an affair. You are doing the usual thing that cheaters do. Twist things and ramble excuses until you find one that justify your shitty actions.

If youre still happily married and it’s just the monotony then you need to to make a big effort to increase the intimacy with your dh. Tell him this (not the possibility of the affair obviously) that you want to become closer and increase the intimacy between you.

I think it is natural and common to feel like this after many years, but you are being unfair to him and yourself and your family if you don’t try to improve this aspect of your marriage.

"I don’t think it’s about our marriage. I think it’s about me. I wouldn’t want to be married to anyone else."

You want to have your cake and eat it too, basically.

Op I felt exactly the same. I ended up cheating on my husband and he found out. Now my life has been ripped apart, I've lost my house, the man I love, everything. All for the buzz I was craving. Hes now with someone else only a couple of months later and it destroys me but I made my bed and now must lie in it.

Please please just think carefully before you do anything. I wish I'd have had someone slap me and tell me to get a grip before I did what I did.

Well then ask your husband for an open relationship. He may want to do the same thing. Personally I think one of you will fall in love and you can't shut Pandora's box. But I'd start by being honest with him and go from there.

It's also worth thinking about the traumatic effect it will have on your children if their lives explode apart because you have an affair and your husband finds out.

@CloudyWithAChance2 you've been in shit relationships by the sounds of it. Ain't no boring shit going on in our house 🤣🙈. Are you gonna bed hop forever? Have you ever actually loved someone? Genuinely curious

So you want to have sex with someone else in case a few years down the line you DH does it to you? Poor guy. Maybe you best pre-warn him!

In all seriousness though it sounds like the core of this is that you aren't sexually satisfied in your marriage. Maybe look at that issue WITH your husband and address your feelings of lack of excitement etc. Do that instead of screwing him over and breaking his heart "just in case you regret it". Can you not see how self-centred that attitude is? Marriage is about working together to keep on loving one another, including working on your sex life. Don't just have an affair when it feels dull.

@83PL
I didn’t say there was boring shit going on in your house did I? I’m sure you’re fella is crazy about you and enjoys all 2 minutes of his lying on top of you before rolling over.

Are you gonna bed hop forever?

I don’t ”bed hop” and never have.

Have you ever actually loved someone?

Yes I have, but it didn’t last unfortunately.

My understanding OP is that is less about the affair and more about now that your life is settled, secure and safe. You are worried that you didn’t mess about enough, that there are things you should have done when you were young and reckless that you wouldn’t now you are a wife and mother.

Everyone get a little ‘what if’ sometimes. What it comes down to is - is it worth it? Would you be happy to lose everything you have if it came to it.

Could you start by sitting down and thinking about what would be the positives of this affair and how these could be achieved within your happy marriage. Would you give your DH the chance to build on what you both have.

@CloudyWithAChance2

It's *your by the way. Why are you so bitter?

Sorry if I presumed you bed hop, it's just that you're pro 'fucking other people' so I assumed that you'd have more than one partner.

Why do you presume that everyone's relationship is shit with crap sex that lasts two minutes? Is that your experience? I mean, I'm sure some relationships are like that but not everyone's.

I do agree that there's nothing quite like 'that 'feeling when you meet someone new, however I do believe that some people love their partners more than they love 'that feeling'.

Why are you so bitter?

I’m not. Why do you think I’m bitter? I’m very happy and loving life.

Sorry if I presumed you bed hop, it's just that you're pro 'fucking other people' so I assumed that you'd have more than one partner.

No you’re wrong again. Only ever have one partner and only ever had one affair.
And I’m not ‘pro fucking other people’ per se, that was just my advice to OP based on her situation and my own experience and others I know. It’s the right thing for her.
It wouldn’t be my advice for you because you’re clearly really happy.

Why do you presume that everyone's relationship is shit with crap sex that lasts two minutes?

Again, where did I say everyone’s relationship is shit with crap sex?
You have a big problem with twisting my words

How would you feel if your husband felt and did the same?

I can see where you are coming from in that couples swing and have open relationships.

Maybe thats a road you could travel. But one thing i am sure of, it wont be just one affair and do you want to look back on your life and say, yeah i fucked 15 other men and my dim wit of a husband knew nothing about it?

I did this, left a good marriage because I felt I had not experienced life, spent 10 years being mentally destroyed by arsehole men. I was lucky to be given a wonderful second marriage, and I am so grateful for that. We lost our baby as I was aged 44, so I dont have children. I know people dont learn from the mistakes of others, but I wanted to let you know, you probably wont find better than you have. I wish I had been given good friends who could have advised me at the time.

@bonitakitlee

but I wanted to let you know, you probably wont find better than you have.

Seriously, who the fuck are you making bullshit predictions like this?
What do you know about what she currently has and what she could have?

I did this, left a good marriage

People don’t leave good marriages. You wanted to experience other things because you weren’t happy with your bloke.