Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Settling down young... missed out/affair

131 replies

TrickyAF · 20/09/2019 13:21

I’m in turmoil.
I settled young, married for a long time. Happily married but finding in my late 30s I’m strongly feeling I’ve missed out on experiencing other men and have been almost pulled into an affair with another married man.
I feel almost panic stricken that I will look back and regret not taking the opportunity.
I know it could end in disaster.
But I can’t seem to think logically.

OP posts:

BumWad · 21/09/2019 19:40

rvby

This rings so many bells!
I’m sure I am going through this.
Age 36 - had a baby recently, period length has gone slightly shorter - but my word I am rampant. Can’t get enough and would probably shag anything with a pulse.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 21/09/2019 20:33

Lots of different approaches on here, but honesty and being open with your partner is a strong theme.

Your DH might be interested in an open relationship like @MondieBee or it may be that you need to end your relationship - or explore other things together.

Just don't lie and cheat on your DH, that's plain nasty and really unfair.

burnttoastandjam · 21/09/2019 20:34

@MondieBee what a really interesting post. Can I ask how you went about opening your marriage? Who's tatted the initial conversations? (Genuinely interested, not being goady)

Hopoindown31 · 21/09/2019 20:46

@MondieBee

I'm glad that an open relationship works for you. However, it is very much a minority lifestyle and one most people would not tolerate in a marriage and one, where it is tried, often results in marriage breakdown shortly after. Therefore I'm not sure if it is a very helpful suggestion to be honest.

Does you husband regularly have sex outside the relationship? You don't seem to mention this, just your ability to step outside your relationship.

Blueoasis · 21/09/2019 21:01

MondieBee

There's a difference in your post and the op's. Your husband is aware of what you do and is OK with it. The ops husband does not.

Maybe he would be OK with it. Maybe he wouldn't. The problem is he doesn't know and she is lying to him.

Sickoffamilydrama · 22/09/2019 00:13

rvby has much more eloquently said what I was thinking.

Not only is it a natural animal instinct but it's a self esteem boost as well to be desired and a bit of a rush of power.

Just to reassure you I've had the these feelings, I met my DH at 19, although I had sex with a handful of people prior to him so know I'm on to a good thing

That doesn't stop me wanting male attention and the excitement of something new. However since I dealt with a lot of my own self image issues and baggage, it has really reduced. I also don't put myself in situations where I could cheat, not that I ever have although I did get to a point that if he hadn't controlled myself I would have, which mainly means I don't drink more than a couple when out.

For me I realised that I was subconsciously taught that a woman's value is in how many men are attracted to her. I'd also recommend reading about our inner chimp.

The thing is for me is I actually wouldn't want to have sex with anyone else and my DH is perfect for me even after all this years but humans aren't perfect and sometimes our inner chimp is a little persistent about reproduction of the next generation.

Sickoffamilydrama · 22/09/2019 00:15

I hadn't controlled myself not He.

stupid auto correct 🙄

Absolom · 22/09/2019 00:46

Affairs aren't the answer and are never ok. If your husband is happy about you sleeping around then go for it but don't do it behind his back.... It's disrespectful...

But as to the monotony comment, welcome to life.

I got married at 19 and am now almost 40. I'm tired of life in a same old same old kinda way. If I wanted a change it would be to live by myself with my dog. I long for the day the kids move out and we are alone again with just the dogs. That sorta thing. Sleeping around for the experience isn't something thats missing from my life personally. But also not disrespecting my other half and hurting them in that way is important to me and something I've never understood about others who did similar to me feeling like they need to have an affair to experience life before marriage and kids... You missed the boat, you can't go back to that and have your happy family too......

MsDogLady · 22/09/2019 07:19

Your husband deserves your respect and fidelity.

How much will your new sex/ego boost cost your husband? Are you prepared to make a fool of him, abuse his trust, and cause him to feel unsettled when you seem ‘distant’? Are you willing to rob him of his consent to be with a monogamous partner?

Don’t cheat. Don’t make a mug of your husband and a mockery of your marriage and family. Either walk-the-walk and stay faithful or end your relationship.

Original poster

TrickyAF · 22/09/2019 08:53

I sometimes wonder about the “don’t have an affair... just leave the marriage” theory.
Won’t that actually cause just as much heartbreak to split the family up.

OP posts:

Tilltheendoftheline · 22/09/2019 08:56

No separating and divorcing is very different when one of the has fucked someone else.

Just another excuse? It causes less heart break, for me to just shag someone else. Rather than end the marriage.

You are either incredibly selfish, or on the wind up.

Blueoasis · 22/09/2019 09:07

Tilltheendoftheline

Hoping its a wind up now, otherwise she is just an awful person. But it wouldn't be the first time we see a woman want to shag around behind her husbands back.

Just hope her husband finds out and kicks her out. That happened to someone else on this thread. Now she is alone, lonely and lost everything, whereas he found a loyal woman. Seems a bit of a stupid trade to me, but I guess people just make stupid choices. Your problem from here. Go shag other men if you want op, you're obviously dying to be told you can, but you have no one else to blame if/when you lose everything. It will be completely your fault.

83PL · 22/09/2019 09:18

@TrickyAF I get what you mean, it will definitely still cause a lot of pain but you will have done the right thing. A few years down the line, your husband may appreciate your honesty and you may even be able to be friends. You get to hold your head high. It's the betrayal from affairs that stings the most. If you have an affair, you run the chance of being caught (cheaters don't expect to be caught but many do get caught) and your children, family and friends knowing what you did. You will be tarred for a long time and you will lose a lot of respect. People won't be understanding of your needs/reasons to have an affair.....they will just see it as you betrayed your husband for a bit of fun. Affairs cause the betrayed so much pain and humiliation. Have you ever been cheated on? I suspect you'd think twice about having an affair if you had been. How would your husband react if he found out? I just hope if you do have an affair you don't get caught, definitely not for your sake but for your family's sake.

Loopytiles · 22/09/2019 09:48

Yes, ending the relationship would obviously cause pain. But if you have decided that having sex with or dating other people is a higher priority to you than your marriage, this would be more ethical than an affair.

Even undiscovered affairs have a negative impact on the unaware partner and DC, for example because of changes in how the person who is having the affair treats them.

sippingteaquietly · 22/09/2019 09:55

OP I too am feeling like this. I was 14 when I met my DH, married at 18. I have never been with anyone else and for 99% of my marriage I never wanted to be with anyone else.
For the past 2 years I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be with someone else, have I missed out? I’ve never taken the chance to have an affair but I have been close but I took a step back.

Now I’m going to flip the coin..... 12 years ago my DH had an affair and I was devestated and I’ve never really recovered from it. My DH is not the man I thought he was, so I look at him in a completely different light. We are still together but my marriage is not the same, and although I love him I don’t feel the same for him as I did before. I know he regrets the affair but the damage is done. I also think there have been other times where something might have happened, but I can’t prove it!

I guess what I’m saying is think very carefully if you do decide to embark on an affair, it might make you feel good for a little while, but the damage you will do to your family will probably be irreparable.

I wish you all the best.

Actionhasmagic · 22/09/2019 09:56

I personally don’t understand how you can be ‘happily married’ and also want an affair. Unless you have an open marriage maybe??

Scott72 · 22/09/2019 10:06

Apparently, judging from many threads on this forum, the guilt you'll feel over an affair will probably be worse than that from ending your marriage, even if you aren't found out.

istolethisusernametoo · 22/09/2019 10:23

You're just trying to justify it to yourself now. Your husband deserves a lot better than you.

Splitting up amicably before you go shagging around will be a lot better for everyone. There will be more heartbreak when he finds out what you have been up to behind his back rather than doing the right thing and ending the marriage first.

You could at least give him the option of opening up the marriage before you go off having an affair.
There's nothing wrong with having an open marriage. It works very well for a lot of people.

Joanofardvark · 22/09/2019 12:02

Reading between the lines here (aside from feeling you want the thrills you feel you’ve missed out on) is this about the sense you’re losing power as you get older OP? You’ve mentioned thinking of having an affair before your husband (do you suspect he has already had an affair?). And you also mention feeling you will not be as attractive in 20 years time. Who dictates you will not be as attractive in 20 years time? Why won’t you be? Are you that much of a one-dimensional person that a bit of age will render you ‘unfuckable’?
Perhaps this is more about how you’re feeling about your own fears of getting older particularly as a woman and how society as a whole treats older women than your marriage? I say this because it seems you think your husband could easily have an affair 10 years down the line just when you feel you might not be able to. He will get older too, we all do! So what’s that difference? You seem to view yourself as getting weaker as you get older, in a worse position and comparing yourself to your husband who could be more able in your view to have an affair then...
I’m not sure I have any answers here regarding all this and am not judging you except to say that cheating is not the answer and do unto others etc. I think this goes deeper than cheating and that’s what you need to think about..

GOODCAT · 22/09/2019 13:57

Everyone is right either stay with your husband and don't cheat, your feelings will pass eventually, or leave him and then start seeing other people, but leave the married ones alone.

You hurt yourself, any kids you have and your husband by doing otherwise.

This probably has little to do with how long you have been with your husband and more to do with your relationship or dissatisfaction with the rest of your life. If you want a change, change something else in your life.

If you are in the throws of a crush, you probably won't see it like this, but wait it out, do the right thing and you will be much happier long term.

SherbetSaucer · 22/09/2019 14:26

I’m strongly feeling I’ve missed out on experiencing other men

From the sound of many of the threads on here you’re not missing out on a thing!

Zeus1 · 22/09/2019 16:44

FWIW OP, I know exactly how you feel.

I had been feeling for a while that my life is very Groundhog Day. Same things week in, week out. Same things on weekends. I have been with my DP for 10 years since I was 19. We still get on so well, I love him, but when the opportunity arose, I slept with someone else.

This is going to sound so awful but I don't regret it at all. The sex was incredible. I don't have feelings for this other person and I have no intention of leaving my DP for him, but it was exactly what I was needing in my life. However, as a PP has said (sorry, can't find your post now), it has made me realise that there are a few niggles in my relationship that I have since addressed with DP and we are currently working on.

I don't advocate cheating at all. But I agree with you that monogamy doesn't always work for everyone.

Drabarni · 22/09/2019 16:54

You don't love your dh if you are tempted to have an affair.
Poor man, tell him now and he can find someone not tempted, who will make some cock and pull excuse of being pulled.
Whose pulling you?

83PL · 22/09/2019 18:08

@Zeus1 do you consider it a one off? Or is it something you will do periodically? Would it hurt you to know that your partner had done the same? What's stopping you suggesting an open relationship so he can have some amazing sex too?

doublesheesh · 24/09/2019 21:12

Zeus1 if the sex was incredible, how did you stop yourself going back for more and having a full blown affair?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6