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Original poster

Settling down young... missed out/affair

131 replies

TrickyAF · 20/09/2019 13:21

I’m in turmoil.
I settled young, married for a long time. Happily married but finding in my late 30s I’m strongly feeling I’ve missed out on experiencing other men and have been almost pulled into an affair with another married man.
I feel almost panic stricken that I will look back and regret not taking the opportunity.
I know it could end in disaster.
But I can’t seem to think logically.
Sad

OP posts:
CursedDiamond · 20/09/2019 22:20

For what it’s worth, I agree with @rvby in the whole ‘you can feel this way and still love your DH’. My point is that perhaps if you’re feeling the pull so hard that you’re contemplating an affair it might be worth speaking to you DH.

I simply say that as someone who also thought initially it was an itch that I had scratched and could put it back in a box. But it brought a lot of other issues up in our relationship, that were hard to discuss once I’d cheated, because it’s very hard to feel like you can demand things of your partner when you’ve cheated.

Just be careful. I’m not judging, but I am cautioning. Its a difficult road you’re considering travelling down. I didn’t fall in love with the OM, and do not plan on leaving my OH for him even remotely. But it has led to to realise that the relationship I’m in isn’t what I want or need right now.

Dappledsunlight · 20/09/2019 22:47

Agree totally with rvby. This is rarely discussed in a sensible way. Society abhors this truth, because it's an unpalatable aspect of basic biology.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 20/09/2019 23:57

Where’s your head at OP? Do you have feelings for this other guy or do you just want to fuck him?

user1481840227 · 21/09/2019 00:02

@TrickyAF, the people who are having affairs generally aren't in happy relationships!!

Your husband probably has felt the same at times, that he missed out etc. but then sets the fleeting thoughts aside and is happy that he has you! A huge amount of people who settled young will probably feel that way and it's normal.

It's not so normal the way you describe it though, to be in turmoil and in a panic.
When you say you have been almost pulled into an affair with a married man..what do you mean? Did you have an emotional affair?

burnttoastandjam · 21/09/2019 00:11

Sounds like you have already been involved in an emotional affair. Tread carefully.

Of course, it's exciting but is it worth all of the upset that could happen?

Maybe you could find a way to spice up your sex life with DH?

burnttoastandjam · 21/09/2019 00:13

And FWIW, I believe that you can be happily married and feel attraction to someone else.

But it's a personal choice if you feel that you can live with acting on those decisions.

Rachelover60 · 21/09/2019 00:15

How you feel is natural, you might even feel that way had you married at 26 or 27.

It's a type of restlessness that many feel after being married a few years. The grass is certainly not always greener.

I can promise you it does not last but it would be a good idea to change a few things in your life, to make it more interesting and challenging. Atm, you are fixating on not having the opportunities (or not taking them), to have a new man but other things could take your mind off that. The possibilities are out there if only you look, push some doors, and your marriage will stay intact if that is the right thing and your children's security won't be threatened.

Good luck, you are young and there is a lot ahead.
Wine

SquintEastwood · 21/09/2019 00:23

OP I understand where you're coming from, I've been with my DH since we were 14 (18.5 years - more than half our lives!) and married for 5.

I have the odd thought that this isn't "normal", that I'm missing out on something but when it comes to it I couldn't imagine actually being without my husband and I know he feels the same. Yes - sometimes it's boring as fuck and sometimes I could quite happily wander off with the hot guy I met down the pub never to be seen again but I understand that's not how real life pans out.

My marriage definitely isn't all roses and passion but our relationship means more to me than that, there are some things that we need to work on to make us both feel more loved and for things to be a bit more interesting. Walking away with some randomer won't solve any of that our make me feel better about myself never mind what it would do to DH.

QueSera · 21/09/2019 00:29

OP the key is how you feel about your husband. Do you love him? Fancy him sexually? Romantically?
If you still want to keep your marriage, I guarantee you that you should pass on the affair.
But if you really want to have sex with this other guy, then you should end your marriage first. But be prepared to be single, as affairs often don't translate into relationships.

Just my thoughts, i wish you well OP

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 21/09/2019 00:49

I'd start by focusing on what would make you feel more fulfilled in your life in many areas. I think that when people are feeling restless, they sometimes jump to the conclusion that it's their "boring" relationship that's causing it. Sex with someone new won't be life-changing, it'll just be sex with a different partner (exciting for a while until you get used to it Grin)

What do you want to do with your life that would make you a more fulfilled person. Travel? Career change? If your DH encourages and supports you to do what makes you happy, that's the real relationship test.

Blueoasis · 21/09/2019 07:17

So you're bored basically so just swan off and shag someone else's husband?

Could you be any more lacking in thought or care for anyone besides yourself?

How will your husband feel if he finds out? He probably knows something is up. What will your kids think when they find out mummy slept with someone else and broke their dad's heart? What about this other man's wife? How will she feel when she finds out her husband cheated on her? Do they have kids?

Two families to be destroyed. Two peoples hearts to be broken. Two sets of children's lives to be ripped apart. All because you're bored. Hmm

Hope it was worth it when you're divorced, alone as a single parent and wondering if your ex will send money this money in child maintenance.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 21/09/2019 07:31

blueoasis she is not "bored basically". You are missing the point that the OP has tried to explain and many people understood exactly what she means. Your bitter post was completely unnecessary.

category12 · 21/09/2019 07:34

It's all very well saying you don't want the kind of affair that you leave for, but that won't be in your control.

If you get caught, it'll cause your dh huge amounts of pain. And he may prefer to end things than forgive.

You're happily married: do you really want to smash that?

You love your dh: do you also want to hurt him? See him cry or rage? Cut down his self esteem, make him feel inadequate?

madcatladyforever · 21/09/2019 07:40

You haven't missed out on anything I can assure you
I've had loads of relationships but the one has always evaded me.
If you are inclined towards relationships there is nothing better than finding that one person to share your life with and all of your memories.
Don't throw it away for a stag with a married man and a moment of excitement.

You will really regret it in your 50s I promise you.

madcatladyforever · 21/09/2019 07:40

Apologise for predictive text.

NabooThatsWho · 21/09/2019 07:43

I’m starting to feel like life long monogamy from 18years old is just not what we are designed to do. Thank you you those who understand.

Not a popular opinion on here but I agree with you. I don’t think being with one person until you die is particularly natural.
We change SO much over the years, the person who was right for us at 25 might not be right for us at 35, 45 etc. It’s a rare thing for people to be genuinely happy and in love very long term. It’s more about being settled and comfortable and because that’s what society tells us.

But then again, that’s why I’m not married. I prefer freedom and fun and to be able to change my mind when I want to. Marriage is a huge commitment, til death do you part....

QueenToodalu · 21/09/2019 07:49

Okay I hear what you are saying... but think of it from the other side - this man has a wife as well. Do you want to be responsible for breaking this woman's heart?

leckford · 21/09/2019 07:50

Do you have children if so you owe it to them to stay married and put them first.

If no children do what you want

SmuggleStudies · 21/09/2019 07:56

Hi @TrickyAF. I agree with @rvby - this doesn't mean there's anything "wrong" with your marriage.

I get it. I had a similar phase in my late 30s.
It was very painful. I had to sort of reel myself back in, by telling DH, seeing how horrific it would be for him if I ever did anything, and reading and re-reading the threads on here about the pain of infidelity for everyone involved. As others say, the likelihood of the grass being greener is very low.
A few years on, in my 40s, I look back and think "thank fuck" I didn't cheat. My relationship with DH is now better than ever, and the idea I was close to screwing it up completely is truly horrific.

Your biology is telling you very strongly to have lots of sex with lots of people. But the rest of your life will in all likelihood be much harder if you do, and the person you love will feel terrible pain. If there's a specific person you think you want to have an affair with, you need to stop contacting them as far as possible, NOW.

One more thing - fill up your life with stuff that makes you feel good/gives you "flow". I took up climbing, and the adrenaline (which I'd only had in relation to possible cheating before) and concentration helped.

Good luck, OP.

MaryPopppins · 21/09/2019 08:02

You're not happily married if you're daydreaming of an affair.

You can say you are all you like. But you can't be.

Spice up your own sex life. It'll make your marriage even better.

MsTSwift · 21/09/2019 08:09

I have some sympathy actually. This is why settling down young is for most not a good idea. In the olden days you often didn’t make it past 40 but now many live to 80 plus why would you marry your first boyfriend? Met dh at 28 and had 2 serious relationships and a few boyfriends before him so made an informed choice that dh far and away the best of them all - my feet never itchy. I would worry if either dd married first man

Original poster
TrickyAF · 21/09/2019 08:18

The persistent “you can’t be happily married” messages are kind of annoying. I am. I really am. It’s not the urge to find an affair for love, or to leave, or to have another relationship. It’s literally the excitement of sex, attention, the buzz.
I think it’s less acceptable for women to say it and harder for other women to accept it perhaps.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrickyAF · 21/09/2019 08:19

I’m 38 and we’ve been together for 20 years, totally faithful.

OP posts:
Blueoasis · 21/09/2019 08:21

MandalaYogaTapestry she is talking about how her life is monotonous. So she is bored. That can happen in relationships, you need to find new stuff to do, spice up your sex life etc. Remember why you married them. Not hop ontop of someone else's husband.

PositiveVibez · 21/09/2019 08:28

Or if I’m ten years my husband bangs someone else I’ll be thinking why didn’t I go for it

Well if you think your husband could 'bang' another woman (horrid terminology), there are cracks in your wonderfully happy marriage.

I shagged around when I was younger and in the main, I regret giving all of myself to men who frankly didn't deserve it.

If you think the grass is greener, go and get 'banged', but don't think you will be able to carry on your happy marriage afterwards. It doesn't work like that.