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Original poster

Settling down young... missed out/affair

131 replies

TrickyAF · 20/09/2019 13:21

I’m in turmoil.
I settled young, married for a long time. Happily married but finding in my late 30s I’m strongly feeling I’ve missed out on experiencing other men and have been almost pulled into an affair with another married man.
I feel almost panic stricken that I will look back and regret not taking the opportunity.
I know it could end in disaster.
But I can’t seem to think logically.
Sad

OP posts:
83PL · 21/09/2019 17:30

@CloudyWithAChance2 🤔

"Most people who I know that fuck other people will tell you that it's much better than the boring shit they're accustomed to with their partner."

"I've only had one affair."

"If you can keep it a secret and not hurt anyone, it can definitely be worth it."

Maybe it was these statements that made me think you were pro 'fucking other people.'

BananaPlant · 21/09/2019 17:30

You might regret not taking the opportunity to have an affair? Really? I’m sure your DH would love to hear that.

Yeah sure go for it, then watch the impact it has on your family when they find out. 🙄

Tilltheendoftheline · 21/09/2019 17:31

I’m sure you’re fella is crazy about you and enjoys all 2 minutes of his lying on top of you before rolling over.

Why presume that poster must have shit sex in their relationship.

I am sorry but you are coming across as bitter. You seem to really be anti relationship.

Ringdonna · 21/09/2019 17:33

Just try it and see if you like it but make sure you cover your tracks.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 21/09/2019 17:35

@83PL

Read my explanation again - I told you, in the right context, I am pro fucking other people.
Up your game or be quiet.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 21/09/2019 17:37

@Tilltheendoftheline

Why presume that poster must have shit sex in their relationship

It was clearly a dig in response to her bullshit post.

83PL · 21/09/2019 17:37

I'm not against OP ending her relationship to act on these feelings. I'm against lying and cheating as it's so destructive to others. My dad's affair ruined my childhood. It pisses me off that people think an affair is even a fair option. They ruin people's lives. Grow some balls and let him go, keep your respect and go and do your thing....and let him do his.

83PL · 21/09/2019 17:41

@CloudyWithAChance2 but you asked what made me think you were pro 'fucking other people' so I told you 🤷‍♀️

Telling people to be quiet.....really? Are you fucking 12?

83PL · 21/09/2019 17:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 21/09/2019 17:44

@83PL
but you asked what made me think you were pro 'fucking other people’ 🤷‍♀️

No I fucking didn’t. Read the post again. You’ve repeatedly misrepresented my posts.

Wow how stupid.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 21/09/2019 17:47

@83PL

My dad's affair ruined my childhood

Sorry to hear that, but how do you explain your lack of comprehension?

CloudyWithAChance2 · 21/09/2019 17:50

in response to your generalisation that people in relationships have shit sex.

Nope. My generalisation was that people who have affairs are normally in a relationship with shit sex, not ALL people.

You’re on a roll, keep it up.

83PL · 21/09/2019 17:51

@CloudyWithAChance2 you're not sorry to hear that at all because you have the morals of an alley cat. You probably assume it's justified.

83PL · 21/09/2019 17:54

People who have affairs are weak, selfish people. You openly condone that behaviour. Your advice to OP was to have an affair......grim.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 21/09/2019 17:55

@83PL
you have the morals of an alley cat

No I don’t. I’ve made mistakes and I have some views on relationships that you and many others on here won’t agree with, but don’t assume people are evil or morally bankrupt because they cheat or think about cheating. We’re all fucking human.

83PL · 21/09/2019 18:03

There's nothing left to discuss is there? I believe people who have affairs are really shitty people. Not because they have urges to be with someone else but because they are too weak to walk away from their relationship. They have a choice and yet they CHOOSE (or are at least willing to chance it) to put their partners/ children through the most horrific pain for some cheap thrills.

You believe that affairs are sometimes the answer if you're unhappy in your marriage.

Tilltheendoftheline · 21/09/2019 18:04

pro fucking other people

People can fuck who they want. But if you are in a monogamous relationship the right thing to do is to tell the other person.

And no, lots of people dont look for affairs because their sex life is shit.

They do it because they have no respect for their partner. They are selfish. They want the comfort ans security of their relationship, they want their partner to be faithful, but they want to fuck other people.

If sex in your relationship is shit and that's a big deal for you, end it and find someone sexually compatible. Dont go looking for sex with someone while your partner thinks you are both being monogamous. At least let them look for someone to have better sex with

CloudyWithAChance2 · 21/09/2019 18:09

We both agree that it’s a shitty thing to do and it’s always better to leave a relationship before being with someone else.

However, under the right circumstances, if you can do it without hurting the people around you, it can be a good thing for the individual. I also accept this is totally a selfish way to operate.

CloudyWithAChance2 · 21/09/2019 18:13

People can fuck who they want. But if you are in a monogamous relationship the right thing to do is to tell the other person.

Completely agree.

And no, lots of people dont look for affairs because their sex life is shit.

Eh? Yes they fucking do.

They do it because they have no respect for their partner. They are selfish.

This is part of the reason yes.

They want the comfort ans security of their relationship, they want their partner to be faithful, but they want to fuck other people

Completely agree.

If sex in your relationship is shit and that's a big deal for you, end it and find someone sexually compatible. Dont go looking for sex with someone while your partner thinks you are both being monogamous. At least let them look for someone to have better sex with

Yes this is the right thing to do. Completely agree.

Tilltheendoftheline · 21/09/2019 18:21

Eh? Yes they fucking do.

What are you talking about? I know several men and women who have had affairs whilst admitting that theres nothing wrong at home with their sex life. They just like variety.

It doesnt matter how great their sex life is. They just want to have sex with different people.

So while some people may have affairs based on a poor sex life, plenty just do it because they can.

AmeliaE · 21/09/2019 18:35

Oh boy, I hope I will never need to get back to dating or men hunting ever again.
The grass might look greener on the other side but i always found it was full of ants Grin

Ginger1982 · 21/09/2019 18:39

"However, under the right circumstances, if you can do it without hurting the people around you, it can be a good thing for the individual. I also accept this is totally a selfish way to operate.l

How do you do it without hurting people though?

nmc99 · 21/09/2019 18:41

I think a lot of people feel like the OP, she is being honest about her feelings. I feel in exactly the same boat, and agree there are very black and white views on here regarding affairs. Of course it's never advisable to hurt other people but people aren't perfect.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 21/09/2019 18:45

I married at 22. I have never felt that I've missed out on anything. This is not just about marrying young, OP; you cannot use that as your excuse for bad behaviour #sorrynotsorry

MondieBee · 21/09/2019 18:51

I disagree that you're unhappy if you're thinking about other men. I think it's normal especially if you've been together since young. I've been with my husband 15 years since we were 16. We both felt we missed some stuff so last year opened our relationship up. It's something we do very rarely but it boiled down to both of us agreeing we 1)wanted to be together forever but 2)we both wanted the other to experience whatever they wanted to experience in life, not just travel and learning and general experiences but sexual ones too. I don't believe when I'm 85 I'll look back and think "I'm so glad I made sure he only ever slept with me his whole life". Rates of infidelity are so high and it comes with so much hurt and betrayal. Without the betrayal element it's surprisingly painless, and what difficult feelings there are, we can work through together.

It took years of talking about it. What helped us we were both always realistic that you'll still find other people attractive even if you love your partner, and we went from there. Obviously trust has to be total.

I still recognise your feelings though. I met a man at a friend's wedding recently. DH was there as was this man's DW but there was a definite connection and we had a great conversation (for the indignant, his wife was lovely and we were mostly all together, just because I'm allowed to sleep with other people doesn't mean I'd sleep with someone who would be cheating. The deal is everyone is upfront so neither of us does anything with anyone who is unaware of our situation). Obviously in that context it would never go anywhere and it felt like a bit of a missed connection in a wistful, if things were different way. I think it would have felt stronger if I knew that for the rest of my life I'd definitely never be able to explore any future moments like that where there is a spark.