I feel so fucking guilty. When I think of the nice normal him and how wonderful and supportive he has always been I feel sick with guilt. m
OP everyone should be nice and decent and normal. You don’t owe him to reward him by denying yourself physical security just because he knows how to be normal half the time. He was meant to be normal ALL the time.
And you aren’t a trophy. You are a human needing his support and partnership. Him losing you won’t deny him his basic human rights. But you losing your sense of security WILL destroy you and your child’s world. He should be able to see that if he isn’t selfish.. at some point. When he isn’t too emotional.
You are feeling guilting because he is used to making you take responsibility for his bad behaviour. “If only you didn’t do this.. it will help me not do that”. Which suggests he isn’t ready to change.. because most abusers don’t realise that there is never a reason to abuse.. its a full stop answer not allowed. There are other ways to resolve dispute and misunderstanding.. but they can’t control themselves.
He had an abusive parent and so he didn’t learn how to cope with relationship stress. But that’s not for you to solve.
You being there will actually make you an easy target for him to deflect the blame and never deal with his issues.. he is finding it difficult to address his own behaviour. It’s subconscious and he needs therapy.. but you being there won’t helo him in any way..
You need some tough love. Realise by you enabling his behaviour you are making him a worse person. What you need is do the natural human thing, protect yourself by leaving. Because that’s the natural consequence to his behaviour...
And that would be the only chance he might get in life at reflecting on his own behaviour.. because he had a consequence and his behaviour wasn’t minimised by the lack of consequence.
It doesn’t matter what’s the reason or source of his behaviour. Fine we can empathise.. does not make you deserving of the outcome does it???
And does not make it cruel for you to not be able to “fix him” or cope with it.
You can’t be the person that helps him because your position in the relationship doesn’t allow for that. And also, you can never help someone fix themselves, it has to come from them. Andbyou can only support them if it doesn’t impact on you.. but this impacts on you and your kids.
So wish him luck in your heart and leave..
Allow yourself to feel sad for the peeeon you thought he is and would be. Grieve for the hope you had for the relationship. Cry.. but know that this is positive for both you and him.. you leaving is the best favour you can do for both of you..
Him not liking it does not mean it’s not what he needs. And most importantly, it’s what YOU need for basic human rights. And if he ever changes in the future and realises abuse is wrong he will be able to see that and get over it.. and if he never wakes up then you dodged a bullet. S
Plz keep updating us on how you feel Op.