He's locked us in

[Bubsworth]

Need to leave physically aggressive husband. He has been physical before occasionally but the last two nights he has left marks on me. We have a small baby. Husband currently asleep upstairs but appears to have hidden the. Keys so I'm locked in the house. Too scared to casually ask him where keys are. No one knows the real him his best friend thinks I'm crazy and irrational because of what husband tells him. So scared he will try to take the baby and use my extreme post natal anxiety I had against me. What do I do right now?

Just remind yourself that it is never acceptable for a man to reach a stage where he beat his wife and bruises her...

Even if he highlights things you did wrong, he is responsible for his reactions.. or actions. There are many ways to communicate in a relationship to reach a resolution.

If you were “nagging” or if you were even “disrespecting” or “neglecting your responsibilities” or whatever.. they all use that as an excuse don’t they. He will find flaws in u to help himself feel better about his actions... but even if that’s what you were doing, he has no right to beat you.. he is fully responsible for his behaviour.

And he doesn’t want to see it because he is damaged as a person. And you will end up seeing the result of that for a lifetime.

If you want to help him you need him to suffer consequence of you leaving him. Ans him having a forever reminder that his actions aren’t self serving, and so he needs to adjust.

But he isn’t in a place to care for you or about you. Sadly, you can’t let yourself die so he can have the ideal life that he wants which involves him having no responsibility for anything.

Good to hear from you, Bubs.

You are being so brave. Your baby has a mother who is doing what need to be done to look after herself and her child.

Scratch the surface of an abuser's often charming exterior and you will find the hatred, I'm afraid. They hide it because they know it's wrong, but it's there.

It is a nightmare, but you have started to see a way out, and a way to wake up from it. Once you and baby are safe, you can start to recover. I'm glad to hear the police are insisting on coming - they know you're in trouble, they are able and willing to help you. Take the help.

Keep posting on here if you need support. Lots of folk happy to listen. xxx

Tell the officers everything. Tell them you are afraid. They can help you & your baby.

A court order must be produced before they can take your baby

Please tell them everything. Don’t hide anything. You need to look after yourself and your baby and think of your safety.
You’re not safe with him.

It is a nightmare bubsworth and it’s normal to waver, minimize, and feel like you were overreacting for reporting the abuse to the police, BUT... Keep reminding yourself that you did it for a (damn good) reason. His behavior will escalate and he’s paving the way to further abusing you by blaming women in general for being hit, like it’s their fault and not the abusers fault!!! Warped bastard!

As he escalates the abuse he will also escalate the mind games to ensure your mental state is so messed up that you can’t leave. I feel you really do need to leave now while you have some strength to do so. There is no reason to wait until things get worse and you feel too messed up to leave.

Please go while your baby is small to minimize the effects he has on her. You have support out there - grab it by the balls and accept all the help you can get. The only things that are important are you and your babies safety, mental health and happiness. Staying for financial reasons or the house etc are irrelevant at this point.

You’re young, you’ve a life ahead of you. Imagine a few months from now where your mental health is stronger, your boundaries are stronger and you’re happier. As opposed to feeling weaker and more anxious, walking on eggshells. Try think of this all as fate - you came on to mumsnet for help soon after he abused you, you rang the police, you have support. You’ve done all the right things to help you and your baby, so Please take that step towards a new life - I’m not saying it’ll be easy but it sounds like staying will be harder in the long run - sending you strength X

If you pretend that this was a nightmare, what are you going to pretend the next time?

Or will this just be a recurring nightmare that you will never ever wake up from? For the rest of your life?

Or are you going to do something that stops the nightmare so it doesn’t come back and you can rest easy.?

Do not postpone your meeting tomorrow.
You need to get this writing so you are protected should it happen again.
Don't forget that bringing up a child in abusive household is now considered abuse of the child.
The police have a duty of care to protect children.
Did you child witness any of this abuse?

In the mean time you need an exit plan.
You cannot stay with a violent abuser.

You cannot 'save' him to so please stop trying.
You are not qualified to save him or help him through this.
He needs intense counselling.
Until he can admit that what he is doing is wrong, there is literally no hope for him at all.

Get out - quickly and safely.
Get this out in the open.
Speak to someone in real life, a sibling or good friend.
You cannot carry this on your own.

Good luck tomorrow OP.
Just be completely honest with them about what is going on.
Keep trying Womens Aid as they can help you with a safe exit plan.

It is understandable that you are scared of the police coming. You need to talk to them to protect your baby.

Please speak to them, they have a duty of care to help you and your baby. They're not necessarily going to tell you to leave him, only you can decide this. But the police being involved may give him the wake up call he needs to not do it again.

Op you need to speak to the officers for the good of your baby. This is not just about you. He will hurt the child if you allow this to continue

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

You have been very brave contacting the police.
Please don't minimise what he did to the police, they can help you.
It's not going to go away if you sweep it under the carpet, it can never go back to normal now. Don't let him talk you into staying, read what happened to these other women.

Have you told your sister?

xxx

"he has made comments that are outrageous about some women push their men to do it by the way they act or talk to them. "

My ex-partner used to say this crap to me all the time. And it is crap because it is inherently not true. They tell themselves and their partners this because it appeals to their sense of it being everyone else's fault except their own.

They will also become master minimisers, along the lines of "I didn't hit you. I slapped you". As though there is actually a difference between the two.

I understand that it is difficult to walk away. Even though I had no children at the time, I still found it hard to walk away - having always been the kind of woman to say that I would never take it from a man.

I had to start thinking of it this way: if someone walked up to me randomly in the street and abused me this way, what would I do & what would I want to happen as a result? I'd get as far away as possible and report it to the police. I'd want that person charged and found guilty of the assault and be forced to deal with the consequences. We think because "love" is involved that it somehow makes it more complicated. But what you have with this man isn't love.

What an awful situation you are in OP I bet you are so scared and confused. It’s normal to be confused. The main thing remind yourself to act now, be confused later. Logic first, emotions second. You know you need to act and talk to them, even if you feel like you don’t want to. You know.

You’ve got this. Your beautiful baby will thank you for it later 🌸🌸🌸

You are doing so well and so brave. SS will see this as you protecting your baby, they only remove children from woman who don’t seek help and let the abuse continue and who won’t leave their abusers, you are doing the best for your child.
Look at it this way, would it be acceptable for your DH to hit a random stranger in the queue at Tesco because they annoyed him? No. He would remain calm no matter what that person said to him, maybe get angry but he wouldn’t assault them as he knows he would go to prison.

He is telling you everything to let you know that this will happen again, and he thinks this is fine. Your child will know this occurs in the house even if you hide it or think it’s hidden.

You are doing the right thing. The police are worried for you as they know this is not normal behaviour. He can be the most loving husband in the world the rest of the time, but that never excuses or makes up for being hit, it really doesn’t.

Good luck for today

Call your local women's refuge when it's safe to do so. They will help you and your baby, they are used to manipulative abusive men.

I hope today goes as well as it can x

Good Luck today OP.

This is your golden opportunity for both of you to get away from his abuse.

thinking of you today, OP.

I've been thinking of you today, OP. Hoping it is the beginning of a whole new life for you and your baby.

Thinking of you Please have a courage to plan your escape plan and leave.

You are all the most wonderful sweet and caring people in the world I couldn't have called them if it weren't for what you've shared and all of your kind and supportive comments have been helping me through when I have no one in real life I feel I can talk to just yet. A massive eternal thank you

They are due shortly, feeling so sick and shaking again but I have to remember it's for my little boy more than anything else