He's locked us in

[Bubsworth]

Need to leave physically aggressive husband. He has been physical before occasionally but the last two nights he has left marks on me. We have a small baby. Husband currently asleep upstairs but appears to have hidden the. Keys so I'm locked in the house. Too scared to casually ask him where keys are. No one knows the real him his best friend thinks I'm crazy and irrational because of what husband tells him. So scared he will try to take the baby and use my extreme post natal anxiety I had against me. What do I do right now?

Oh, sweetheart. Well done for calling. I so feel for you.

My ex had an abusive, alcoholic parent. I felt so sorry for him. Even after he'd thrown me across a room, thrown me out on the street in subzero temperatures, etc etc.

He was an abuser. The psychological damage he did to me will probably never completely go.

The confusion is part of the abuse, I'm afraid. It's how you are kept weak and dependant.

I'm sorry, I don't want to add to your distress or confusion. But I'm scared for you and your baby.

Could you go and stay with family or friends until you feel more sure of yourself? I would guess that you can't think straight right now because you're 1. in shock and 2. afraid.

Is there somewhere you could go where you know you're safe?

Women’s aid isn’t the only way of getting help with domestic abuse. If you google your local area or council they will have a domestic abuse team, or a social services out of hours number that you can call for help and advice.
If you ignore all of the advice and don’t do anything about this, you will be at risk of loosing your child, more than if you phoned services and asked for help to leave. This will never stop until you leave, and him having experienced abuse is not an excuse, it is a risk factor. If you are planning to leave, this is your most risky time for serious violence against you and you must get help from the police and services to leave.

Op i also forgave things because I felt so sorry for my boyfriend who had experienced violence as a child. It seems ironic now, that I felt sorry for him. He was my first boyfriend, so I was easily manipulated. He almost killed me.
Don’t you see that your baby will also grow up in a violent home if you stay ?

You feel sorry for your partner because he had a violent parent...
I feel sorry for your baby. By staying in that house you are allowing your child to be around a violent parent - do you want your child ending up like him? Do you want your child to see him hurting you, killing you? Do you want your child to get hurt?
You need to listen to all the advice OP. Get out.

Please stay safe op!

Bubs you wrote ' I'm also considering making an official report with someone anyway so if I do end up leaving him, what he has done to me will be recorded to prevent him getting custody of baby'
This will not help you in preventing him getting custody, I'm afraid, as he's not been violent to the baby. You, on the other hand, staying with him after violence, are diminishing your chances to keep your baby, as SS will take a view that you have stayed with this partner, therefore, risk to baby is greater.
You need to plan and LEAVE. No matter how good he's with baby, YOUR LIFE IS AT RISK HERE.

Do you not see how you are repeating history?

You excuse his violence because he had a violent parent, yet you’re happy to keep your child in the same situation- with a violent parent!!!

Not safe guarding your child when you are willingly keeping them in a violent situation will not be looked upon lightly if SS get involved.

If not for your own sake, do it for your baby, and get out now

I've made a report with 101 and they are coming to speak to me next week when he's at work. Thank you all for helping me to see sense.

You say the baby is his world and is safe with him. But you were his world once too.

Is he still going to be as loving to her when she's teething and crying all the time? When shes a willful toddler not doing as she is told? When shes making a mess everywhere and getting paint ip the walls and play dough in the carpet?

You cant wait for him to hurt her before you leave him. Please, for her sake just leave.

Cross post Bub, I'm so pleased and relieved to hear that. We are all here to support you

Glad to hear it op

I feel so fucking guilty. When I think of the nice normal him and how wonderful and supportive he has always been I feel sick with guilt.

A normal loving husband NEVER EVER uses violence against anyone.

Him being normal 99% of the time does not negate the fact that he is violent and abusive 1%.

You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

So glad to hear you're taking action, OP. You've got a whole threadful of people here happy to listen whenever you need it.

Listen, if my current partner ever knew I'd been afraid of him I think he'd be so horrified he'd probably call the police himself.

You should NEVER be afraid of your partner. You should NEVER be hurt by your partner. You have NOTHING to be guilty about. You are looking after your baby.

A loving partner doesn't get so furious you are afraid of them. A loving partner would want you and your baby to be safe, free of fear and happy.

The relationship was damaged beyond repair as soon as he hurt you. It is HIS guilt that you are feeling. Not yours.

Bubs, don't feel guilty! It's not your fault! It's his.
Get out while you can. If you act now, in few months' time you'll wake up one day and see how peaceful you feel and how leaving this violent man was the best decision of your life. Think of yourself and your baby. You can not change other people and it is not your job to be a human punchbag.

It's normal that you feel conflicted when you still have feelings for him, but what he is doing to you is not right and it's not love. He may well have been abused but you can't help him, he's using your empathy to manipulate you, and stop you seeing his behaviour for what it is. Please leave and go somewhere safe, you deserve so much better and so does your baby.

Well done for getting some help x

OP, understand that you want to help this man
Yes he does need help
But not from you, you are not able to help him, you must protect yourself and your child from him

You're braver than you know x

Please, OP,please, do not take on his guilt!

Lets be clear, its him abusing you, and yes, that IS abuse to the baby too. Any children witnessing abuse are classed as abused

You are bith being abused.

Do document it.

Never, ever lock yourself in the bathroom, upstairs.

Lock your husband out! Get out, but never trap yoirself in a room upstairs which he can just smash into and you are trapped as he is between you and the front door (exit/help)

Keep your phone in hand/pocket at all times. Male a silent call to 999 if anything happens, or if you are in fear that something is going to.

I repeat, never lock yourself in a bathroom!

Record all incidents to 101, and have a flag out on your home address and mobile/landline. This will put you on a priority call out if you call.

Both you and your baby are at risk, it is not one you can manage, but you do know him better than anyone else.

A man who's experienced abuse and has become abusive is a very dangerous man.

You are not to blame for this, he is, his guilt and services need to protect you, not blame you for being abused.

Abused women are often too terrified to do anything and make decisions to survive daily for their family and themselves which dont make sense to others and look like wrong thinking, but they keep you alive.

Start preparing, very quietly. If you can get away with it walk out the door as fast as you can, but only if you can get away with it.

If you have a friend or two who you can trust more than 100% not to speak about it, ask them for help too.

Every strength to you. Be safe.

Ok OP I will tell you my experience as this might help with the guilt. I wasnt going to as you have enough on, but it is the guilt that keeps us trapped.

You need to give him the guilt and get out your justified anger. He promised to be your partner, he promised to raise your children together. Then by being physically violent, he flushed all of this away.

My ex raped me 5 times, yes 5. Why did he remain in my life? GUILT. as soon as he raped me and I was in shock, he apologised, cried, threatened suicide, told me that his grandfather had sexually abused me. He stalked me, he wouldn't leave me alone.

I got pregnant after the second rape and he had put himself in to a mental hospital at the time. He was phoning every day to tell me how he was so sorry and was suicidal. I kept calling the psychiatrist and in the end this professional told me that he himself was a higher suicide risk than my ex. When he got out of hospital, he found out that I was pregnant by going through my bin bags. His stalking and travelling got worse.

I had severe depression and about 3m after baby was born he did it again, more violently than before. Again begging and apologising, his kids need him, I need him, he has suffered, he will stop.

The final rapes were in one night, separated by an hour. In that hour I was sobbing and telling him what it felt like to be raped, what it does to a person. How would he feel if it was our DD. his response was to rape me again more violently and in every way. I didn't scream during the other rapes because my babies were in the house. But something broke in me that last time and I did scream and scream. I bled for 3 days.

He left after an hour. I went to the police the next day, but I didn't press charges because my youngest child would then find out how she came to exist. GUILT stopped me.

Years later he forgot his lies, it turned out that his grandfather had not abused him, this was a lie. He denied the rapes and called me crazy.

Social services have helped me to finally escape. The freedom programme made me see who he really was. It was explained to me by a very good domestic violence social worker that by apologising and begging, they pull the rug out from under your feet. It becomes about how they feel rather than what they did. They then minimise their actions and you are left wondering if it even even happened.

This is long and boring, but GUILT does not belong to me or you, it is theirs and I hope they choke on it.

Much love x

At the very least get your GP surgery to document those injuries. I did and it helped later in court after I finally found the courage to leave. Because trust me you will leave one day when the violence escalates.

My dd had to do the same as you, separate from a man she loved for the sake of her little girl. Your first responsability is to your baby, OP.

I know I've given him another chance because he had an abusive parent and I know this must be one way it's affected him and I love him and want to help him

Only he can help himself. My dd's ex had an abusive step-father, but he never, ever went to therapy to deal with his anger.

Well done for getting help. Keep trying to get women's aid or similar. Social services may help, you may get rehoused or temporary accommodation from your council. See your gp about bruises, that will be evidence, also talk to health visitor.
You will have to leave in the end, so why not now before the next time (he will).