OP and brokenladyxx ignore those swearing and telling you what to do.
Please don't feel you have to explain or justify yourself, this is already your life, to an extreme degree. It only shows lack of knowledge of the complexity of abuse. I thought all the 'why doesn't she leave' crap was well in the past,but no, seems not.
Of course you are scared, and a lot do understand how it is you feel you can't leave.
You are survivers, trying to stay alive each day. A wrong break at the wrong time, puts you and any dc at huge risk.
You know this, so its only possible at certain times. Its also taking a risk relying on police to take him away and make it stop. These men never stop, and the law means that they do still get access to women and dc even after half killing them.
These are extremely volatile and dangerous men, who have systematically worn down your defences and built your concerns and care for their well-being over and above your own, because of the consequences.
You have become worried at what will happen to this person who has opened up to you and bonded you to them through repeated trauma.
This is how it happens, and most women, all they want is for it to just stop. Sadly, it never does. We are a race of hopers, we live on hope, if we didn't have it we'd be dead.
If that hope is fed, the hopes and dreams of happy times where it doesn't happen any more, that he can just have some anger management, these are fallacies.
He knows all about anger management and its shocking to realise the love-bombing and gifts and sorries are all abuse too. The hoovering back up, the declarations of love that you hear through shocked tears in the aftermath of the trauma.
Very rarely do men reform, they don't want to lose their position of ultimate power and control. They use whatever means necessary to control, which includes the tears and emotional blackmail, trying to make you responsible for their damage and harm against you.
They will not take responsibility, you are to blame because you push them to it, or do things wrong, or just annoy them, etc, blah bla utter bollocks.
If they receive consequences then that's fair, finally.
Women and children don't have to receive consequences, abusive men do, and thats not the women's fault. If the abusive man hadn't been abusive there'd be no consequence.
He must be an adult, for once in his life, and take the consequences of his actions if he's ever to stand any chance of learning the error of his ways.
Women, need to let go, to step away whilst that happens, and relinquish their hopes and dreams, that were never going to be. To grieve the loss and the trauma of it all . To separate, mind and soul, and learn to put themselves first finally, to live and grow and be safe from further harm.
There is now power and control for you until you are away from the man that removes it from you. You have no power or control over him, so cannot do anything that would make this stop.
He has all the power and control, until he's not in your life.
There are safe ways to do this, where you don't risk yourself and/or dc.
Support is needed to do this safely, and quietly, so he has no idea.
Your life can be very different, but these are your decisions. None of this is your fault as he is abusing you. Your choices are diminished.
Speak to whomever you can, and be safe. 