C and the (non-existent) FB messages

[JaysusWept]

Morning all.
Can't believe the last thread filled up!
Thanks so much to everyone for all of your responses and your support. It really was invaluable to me.

According to K, M and D, they've had no response from C to their messages asking her to explain what has gone on and why she's been lying. She's seen the messages, but hasn't replied to any of them. I ended up muting my WA chat last night because it was buzzing constantly Did make me wonder if the chat I was exluded from was as busy...

L has told M that she'd believed C, can't believe she would lie about something as serious as this (nothing about not believing I would do such a thing!) and that she needs to hear what C has to say about it. She hasn't attempted to contact me, and I don't want her to. That friendship is over.

I'm wondering what C will come back with now. Part of me thinks she'll just freeze K, M and D out and not even bother to give an explanation, because how could she explain it?
I'm just so relieved that that's it now - they know I wasn't lying. Although I intend to stay friends with K, M and D, I think my friendship with them will cool slightly. They didn't support me when I needed it, and from their responses/reactions, I'm guessing that they were similarly as gossipy and 'excited' with C and L when this was all going on. I'd hoped they were trying not to take sides, etc - but the way they seem to be almost revelling in this now, with the amount of messaging and speculation - I'm guessing they were speculating about me this way?
It's left a bad taste in my mouth.

How was the school run OP?

In all of this it's not Cs behaviour that is the big let down, she's shown who she is - nasty. It's the others still going to the gathering.

Awful.

Part of me still hopes that when the other three go to C's one of them actually pulls her up on the lies.

How can they not?

The whole evening cannot be spent talking about the Husband being kicked out. Even if it is all they talk about, the crux of it all leads back to that text.

If one of them does pull her up she has to explain it surely.

Op you could try a different tactic to diffuse the situation. Go round tonight and kill her with kindness instead. Say you understand she’s been having difficulties with her partner but it’s not you he’s messing around with. Then follow up with how much you value her friendship and want to be there for her. You need to do this in front of the others though rather than with C alone.

People will think I’m mad for suggesting this but the reason I suggest it is to protect your daughter. If you keep C on side and get her to go off track with her accusations you can salvage the friendships your daughter has with the others and hopefully she won’t be excluded from the group.

If you offer C a way out with her lies she’ll probably bite your hand off at the moment as she surely must want things to go back to normal too. However she is never going to admit she is at fault, she’s done too much damage already to do that. But with a get out clause she may just stop all this crap escalating further.

You’ll still know underneath that she’s a liar and can close the friendships down gently overtime but you need to get this crap sorted now or else it’s going to blow up.

Trev, but if she does that when one of the group already know there are no messages in existence, how will that look?

A official letter won’t take back what’s already been spread and won’t stop others continuing to repeat it in hushed “you knoW Op she was cheating with C’s husband, but don’t tell anyone, she tried to sue C for making it public” that’s not going to do op any favours.

Head high, ignore all chatter about it, don’t talk to C or her husband. If anyone asks anything you have no idea what’s currently going on, you was cut off after a rather dodgy text from C apparently meant for someone else, end conversation.

Hope the school pick up went ok. C is so unhinged. It wouldn't surprise me if her and her husband are fine and she's keeping dd off for attention.

And how dare that bitch come up to your dd's dad!!
You could genuinely sue over defamation of character.

Trevor I’m all for de-escalation rather than letters but the only problem is they might not let her in then it could become she won’t leave me alone.

So probably not at C’s home.

beatrice I think the group are so confused at the minute they can work that out at a later date and will see through the lies. At the minute they’re all caught up in the drama. My advice is damage limitation for the Op at this point and for her daughter. It’s playing C at her own game.

There is some good, measured advice given. But those advocating a sensible conversation with C credit her with reasonableness and a sense of fair play. Given how quickly and insanely the whole situation escalated due to C’s unreasonable and bonkers’ behaviour, it would really not be a good idea to approach her. C is so unhinged and manipulative, she is likely to lie about such an encounter and stitch up OP even further, possibly making out that she was trying to attack her.

OP needs to stay away and remove herself from that woman and ensure that there is no situation that C could use to create further drama. Since OP does not do the school drop off or pick up all the time, it might be good for her ex to do some of it, including this evening. A lot of the events are out of OP‘s control but at least she can keep a polite distance and not feed the drama. The others in that group can’t be seen as neutral. OP quite rightly feels let down by them. I would be particularly wary of K who seems eager to scuttle between C and OP and almost appears to relish to tell her the gory details. Initially, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, thinking she is trying to be fair to OP but now I reckon she is merely enjoying ring side seats to the drama and intent on fuelling it. There really is little point in confronting the school gate gossip or anyone else. They are gagging for that kind of drama. Just do not engage or dignify it with any reaction. Head held high; a queen does not touch shit. You have nothing to explain. It’s massively unfair to slander you but nothing is gained from engaging with the gossips. It’s like when you see public spats on social media when you do not know the exact circumstance, all you see is embarrassing rants on either party’s side with their respective braying mob. Sadly, if you engage even if totally innocent, you just get tarnished by it regardless. To reasonable people, the silence and refusal to dignify someone’s public airing of their dirty laundry actually is the most powerful approach.

Being the bigger person is not the same as admitting you had anything to do with the dh messages. Striking a tone of compassion may be far more effective that lawyers letters.
You can do so with gritted teeth, by assuming the best in her (she didn’t intend to hurt you) you allow her a way out. I am not suggesting you stay friends but give her the chance to explain

marsha possibly but I still think it’s worth a try. If it was me I would go round tonight while the others are there and speak to C in my most reasonable, understanding and gentle voice and gently try to ‘get to the bottom of this’. I wouldn’t do it without the others there though.

@Thegrasscouldbegreeener that is probably decent advice but you are really relying on the right reactions which may not happen and it could end up alot worse, Caroline sounds pretty unpredictable in what she does and how she reacts to things.

Well done to the OP though for remaining so calm so far, I would have been over there straight away tearing strips out of her but I have a short fuse with crap like this

thegrasscouldbegreener you put that better than I could. Offering C a way out somehow is definitely best outcome for all. The friendships are probably finished in reality but you don’t need to admit that to them just yet. You just need to get C to somehow stop accusing you and ruining your school runs and your daughter’s friendships. That’s what is now important here.

When dealing with people as unhinged as C, we need to be smarter than she is.
You didn’t know what she was capable of before, now you do, and need to act accordingly.
Killing her with kindness and compassion is exactly how you can manage this. The others won’t see you as anything other than decent and kind by doing this, C can’t continue open war fare with someone that is being kind to her endlessly.

But you know what she is op. You will always know now.

What does op have to lose?

Yes I agree trev because that witch is in it for the long haul

The thing is if C isn't that eager for a way out and she just really wants to paint OP that way and ruin her, she could use her "kindness" as an admission of guilt because if C was lying, shouldn't the OP be mad as hell? You're taking a gamble on what outcome you think C wants

Op could say she is ‘mad as hell’ but say it in a calm way. Flying off the handle will not help here as C will just play victim. Best bet is to be reasonable in the approach so that the others can talk C down if they witness how understanding the Op is being.

Again, the advice ordinarily would be really sensible but you are not dealing with a normal and reasonable person. C has shown just how unhinged she can be and how prepared she is to escalate a situation. Seriously, DO NOT go around or try to approach C. Therein lies a recipe for disaster! It’s very likely that C would go into a total meltdown and construe the situation as OP going around to intimidate and threaten her into silence. You would be giving her ammunition and could land OP in a lot of trouble. Because the very act of approaching her, especially coming to her house will be presented as a confrontation and actually give credence to C being the victim. OP needs to ignore and stay away from her and stick to a pretty neutral interaction with the rest for now.

It depends on op goes about it, if she calls C and meets with her for a discussion I don’t see how C could paint this as guilt. Particularly if it is combined with telling the others that quite apart from how upset op is, she is also worried about C.
It would not be beyond the relms for op to be concerned, because they were all such good friends. Putting aside the messages, maybe op could take high road

Idk op...youre damned if you do, damned if you dont from all of the opinions above 🤷‍♀️ I hope the school run went well and you have something exciting for you and DD to do tonight

Hope there is a special place in a very hot spot for queen bees and their entourages.

Not much help, sorry. I hope you and your dc find a way through this.

I truly believe that C is jealous that her husband likes you as a person, op. Possibly he admires you for looking after your child alone and respects you working full-time. I think it stems from your friendly interaction with him. Of course we all know nothing is going on, but C doesn't like him liking you.

Likely he made a passing comment about you and it spiralled to the bitching from there that led to that initial nasty text you were to never see.

I'd say she has accused him of liking you when he approached her about you mentioning the fake FB messages and an almighty row erupted between them. He may well have walked out.

Remember, she is dragging his name through the mud too. She may see this walking out as confirmation something was going on.

The cronies will stick by C as she is Queen Bee to them.

I think you are right to have nothing to do with any of them. I wouldn't be outwardly showing any sign of distress. If anything, I'd probably wear a bit more makeup and make sure I look well and confident.

You have done nothing wrong. Remember that always.

Initially I gave the other girls the benefit of the doubt regarding C. I thought maybe they needed time to hear both sides of story but I cannot believe they are still going to her house tonight! I'd love to know what shite C is saying now. But how could they be friends with someone who can just lie like that!!