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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

C and the (non-existent) FB messages

999 replies

JaysusWept · 18/09/2019 09:31

Morning all.
Can't believe the last thread filled up!
Thanks so much to everyone for all of your responses and your support. It really was invaluable to me.

According to K, M and D, they've had no response from C to their messages asking her to explain what has gone on and why she's been lying. She's seen the messages, but hasn't replied to any of them. I ended up muting my WA chat last night because it was buzzing constantly Hmm Did make me wonder if the chat I was exluded from was as busy...

L has told M that she'd believed C, can't believe she would lie about something as serious as this (nothing about not believing I would do such a thing!) and that she needs to hear what C has to say about it. She hasn't attempted to contact me, and I don't want her to. That friendship is over.

I'm wondering what C will come back with now. Part of me thinks she'll just freeze K, M and D out and not even bother to give an explanation, because how could she explain it?
I'm just so relieved that that's it now - they know I wasn't lying. Although I intend to stay friends with K, M and D, I think my friendship with them will cool slightly. They didn't support me when I needed it, and from their responses/reactions, I'm guessing that they were similarly as gossipy and 'excited' with C and L when this was all going on. I'd hoped they were trying not to take sides, etc - but the way they seem to be almost revelling in this now, with the amount of messaging and speculation - I'm guessing they were speculating about me this way?
It's left a bad taste in my mouth.

OP posts:
magoria · 20/09/2019 10:58

I think Marsha is right.

At the moment OP's DD doesn't know about the sleep over or why her friend was off. OP wasn't invited to the evening so her DD isn't being invited as a extension to that.

If OP does something with DD she can say if it comes up 'oh yes that is when we did x'.

Wait and see what happens before explaining to DD.

There will be a cooling off between OP & the so called friends. See what happens with DD first.

FairyJuice · 20/09/2019 11:03

I'm aghast that the other 3 are lapping her latest 'drama' up and totally ignoring the fact that she has lied about you and is now pointedly excluding your daughter. I'm afraid I would have to pull them up on that, even if it does exclude you further. Looks like the friendships are dead in the water at this stage anyway.

FetchezLaVache · 20/09/2019 11:07

If any of C's camp are reading - you're going to look a set of cunts when the Daily Mail picks up on this and you'll wish you'd backed OP up a bit more.

Thegrasscouldbegreeener · 20/09/2019 11:10

Marsha You and I are very different parents.

I always talk to my children openly in an age appropriate way, so they are prepared for issues/can support their friends if needed, most importantly they don't blame themselves. You don't and thats okay.

It stands to reason that dd will definitely find out about the sleepover, she is eight years old not three. Rather than lying or pretending all is fine (children are always more intelligent than we think, she will have picked up on something for sure) it is better to acknowledge it, so that dd is not left in the dark feeling this is all somehow her fault. When nothing could be further from the truth.

I believe being honest with children, it encourages trust, and has worked very well for us in the last fifteen years.

MarshaBradyo · 20/09/2019 11:12

Grass you really would tell your child a family has problems before maybe C’s own dd knows?

Ok fine yep we are.

Once the people involved all know then yes sure.

MarshaBradyo · 20/09/2019 11:13

Grass no one knows what is going on with C

The op says that.

Thegrasscouldbegreeener · 20/09/2019 11:13

I am hopeful one of the other three will come forward and invite op's dd over, and make it clear that she will not involve herself or the children in C's petty drama. But I really wouldn't count on it, if their past actions are anything to go by.

Op should stay civil with any of the group that are willing to stay neutral for the sake of her dd, but experience tells me they have put all of their chips on c and will sacrifice op and her dd to stay on the right side of psycho C.

Justsaynonow · 20/09/2019 11:19

always talk to my children openly in an age appropriate way, so they are prepared for issues/can support their friends if needed, most importantly they don't blame themselves.

Yes ^^

And don't be surprised if all the girls start excluding/being nasty. IME with similar situations, the children of parents who will act like this have learned/been encouraged to act similarly to their parents. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

And even if they are halfway decent, it's likely that c's daughter will have been given a narrative to spread and will make it uncomfortable for OP's dd. C will know it's one of the best ways to hurt the OP, through her dd.

Definitely prepare your daughter for the possibility of this, and look for distractions - activities & friendships -outside this group. I'm so sorry you're going through this. Don't lose hope. There are nice people out there.

Original poster
JaysusWept · 20/09/2019 11:20

Morning all.
Thanks for all the messages.

On some Fridays I have to start work before breakfast club opens so I drop DD round at her dad's and he takes her to school. He's phoned me this morning to let me know that he was approached by a woman at the gates (he doesn't know who she was) who apparently filled him in on what's been going on! He asked me if I'd been having an affair with C's husband! He's described the woman to me, and I think I know who she is - a bloody busybody friend of C's! I don't know her very well - only to have some friendly small talk at the school gates with, but I am absolutely fucking fuming that she's said that to him and I dread to think what else she has embellished to others!
I've left an angry message in the WA chat asking K, M and D what else is being said about me in school and that I hope they've been setting people right!
M has replied to say that she hasn't heard anything about me and that of course she would put them right Hmm and D has said just to ignore what this woman has said because we all know that she's a gossip who talks about everyone. Yes, we do know that! And that's why she's so fucking dangerous because she just spreads any old shite! And she must have heard that from C.

I'm giving myself some time to calm down before I reply with a really shitty message, but I do want to tell them how upset I am that they haven't stuck up for me, how upset I am that people are spreading lies about me and that they can all go and fuck themselves and that I hope they enjoy their night with that fucking crackpot. I feel completely done with them now and with this whole situation.
They can all get to fuck now.

OP posts:
Thegrasscouldbegreeener · 20/09/2019 11:21

Grass you really would tell your child a family has problems before maybe C’s own dd knows?

I would absolutely talk to my dd about inviting new friends over, and who she would like to see more of. Additionally I would mention that C is not in a good place at the moment, nothing to do with us, and so we will be seeing lots of other friends for a while.

Of course, why would a parent not say that, there ARE problems, big problems and it is already affecting her dd (sleepover exclusion)

Keeping quiet and pretending all is okay worries children much more, and as op's priority is her own dd then she should be laying the foundations for a new set of friends, and leaving those psychos behind.

Had C invited op's dd op would not need to do this, but as the gloves are well and truly off, op needs to shield her child.

MarshaBradyo · 20/09/2019 11:22

Bloody hell op

MarshaBradyo · 20/09/2019 11:23

Oh you wouldn’t say home problems then.

I absolutely wouldn’t. Some children don’t know for months etc before anything is done. Crazy to do so.

PepsiLola · 20/09/2019 11:24

Fucking hell! Why the hell approach your ex?! What would he even know! The twat!

I hope none of this is in ear shot of kids.

This has gone too far, you need to go round to C's house as WhatsApp messages are blates not working.

MarshaBradyo · 20/09/2019 11:24

Interesting to see if the Dh knows he’s having an affair

Thegrasscouldbegreeener · 20/09/2019 11:30

Holy shit!

She is setting up her friends to spread malicious lies about you, and they even approached your ex?! That is so below the belt.

Op, don't rise to it. You know the truth, so do the others.

PassMeAnotherCoffee · 20/09/2019 11:32

That's awful Jaysus.

DarlingNikita · 20/09/2019 11:33

I think it might be time to speak to a solicitor, OP. This is way beyond a bit of shit-stirring now.

Nuffaluff · 20/09/2019 11:34

I feel sorry for you and angry on your behalf OP. I don’t understand why anyone would behave in this way. C must be a deeply unhappy person and possibly have an undiagnosed personality disorder. Poisonous woman.
You will get through this and so will your dd and you’ll come out the other side stronger.

Nuffaluff · 20/09/2019 11:35

I would inform school of what is going on - that she is spreading malicious lies about you.

magoria · 20/09/2019 11:36

I think you may need to have a quiet word with DD's teacher.

Thegrasscouldbegreeener · 20/09/2019 11:36

Marsha The exact wording is a matter for each individual parent, however my dd would be prepared and not left in the dark about this. That is the point. You can not let children worry or feel this is in anyway their fault.

Just exactly. Anyone who has experienced this, as we both have, will know the children are most definitely on the firing line in these situations.

MarshaBradyo · 20/09/2019 11:37

Of course I wouldn’t let my child feel it’s their fault and help them in every way. My advice was to not say home problems.

beatriceprior · 20/09/2019 11:37

Agee darling Nikita.

If it was me I'd also be messaging c directly and stating she puts this rumour right.

I would absolutely be truthful with the DD.

If fucking C had told the truth from the start it would of been half the drama and unpleasantness that's since gone on.

stephf72 · 20/09/2019 11:37

This is horrible op. You need to prepare for the worst. Tonight is pivotal - whatever it is c has to say to the others and then how the others react.
If they are your friends they’ll tell you and give you the chance to defend yourself, evidence etc be provided.

If not you’ll hit a wall of silence.
At some point during my kangaroo court in the playground evidence was produced that I’d had an affair with a man I’ve never met.
To this day I don’t know what the evidence was. The one thing I do know is that it was fake.
I kind of think I had a right to know what the evidence was (as does my partner) sadly nobody else thought so.
I’ve my fingers crossed that c / her dh / whoever is controlling this shit show won’t sink that low - but my experience tells me different.
Head held high Flowers

beatriceprior · 20/09/2019 11:38

I second speaking to the school also.

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