C and the (non-existent) FB messages

[JaysusWept]

Morning all.
Can't believe the last thread filled up!
Thanks so much to everyone for all of your responses and your support. It really was invaluable to me.

According to K, M and D, they've had no response from C to their messages asking her to explain what has gone on and why she's been lying. She's seen the messages, but hasn't replied to any of them. I ended up muting my WA chat last night because it was buzzing constantly Did make me wonder if the chat I was exluded from was as busy...

L has told M that she'd believed C, can't believe she would lie about something as serious as this (nothing about not believing I would do such a thing!) and that she needs to hear what C has to say about it. She hasn't attempted to contact me, and I don't want her to. That friendship is over.

I'm wondering what C will come back with now. Part of me thinks she'll just freeze K, M and D out and not even bother to give an explanation, because how could she explain it?
I'm just so relieved that that's it now - they know I wasn't lying. Although I intend to stay friends with K, M and D, I think my friendship with them will cool slightly. They didn't support me when I needed it, and from their responses/reactions, I'm guessing that they were similarly as gossipy and 'excited' with C and L when this was all going on. I'd hoped they were trying not to take sides, etc - but the way they seem to be almost revelling in this now, with the amount of messaging and speculation - I'm guessing they were speculating about me this way?
It's left a bad taste in my mouth.

All the best this morning! Fuck them!!

I can't remember how old your DD is but I think you need to talk to her in a very simple way that she can understand what has happened, no need to go into details just that they are not your friends anymore and that may affect her relationships with their DDs, she will pick up on something and better to talk to her about it. Talk about finding a few new individual friends rather than a group, this will stand her in good stead for her future friendships and how to deal with them, you are such a good example to her.

@Thegrasscouldbegreeener, that's really good advice.

Other than the sleepover, which the op can distract from, the dd might not notice anything at school. I’d wait and not do these chats until then.

Do other, new play dates for sure but it’s not op’s place to talk about family problems which might not even exist.

Marsha The children will definitely pick up on this, and yes it is absolutely op's job to tell her child to be prepared for an unsettled time. Op has to prioritise her child now. Would you prefer she didn't prepare her dd, and she can be sitting duck for any comments that come her way? Or to feel excluded because C's dd is talking about sleepovers. No, we don't leave our children to be hurt in this way. We gently prepare them for the change, we do what we can to make up for it with other friends, and we let them know that their world is okay (even if their friends are struggling at home)

Of course it is 'op's place' to look after and protect her child, why would you want her to do otherwise?

If course I do but every time the op prods the nest she gets it back in spades

Just cool it and it might not come to actually affecting the dd

The dd saying saying something to someone will absolutely send C off on another round of retaliation

No one knows what is happening yet with C

From experience, I would try not to think what you could have done wrong. The problem is clearly hers and she's not very nice. You do right to maintain a distance! Hard I know... I've been there at my lowest ebb.

The advice all along was to do as little as possible because it would come round to affecting the dd

Just wait, hopefully the friendships will be ok at school

Plus she can make news ones

I very much agree with you grass. It is certainly our jobs as parents to prepare our children for rocky times if we can see them on the horizon.

The children (and not just OPs, although I suspect she is the only sensible parent among the group) should be given age-appropriate information to help them navigate what is going to be a potentially tricky period. We are talking about a young child here. Being inexplicably excluded by your best friends can tilt the world on its axis.

There's no suggestion that salacious details should be shared. Just that enough should be provided for the OPs DD to make sense of what might be going on among her friends and for her to feel happy and secure.

If course I do but every time the op prods the nest she gets it back in spades

That sounds mildly threatening. Op is not 'prodding the nest' by quietly preparing her dd for changes in the friendship circle, after all this has already happened, we can be quite sure dd will not be going to C's house anytime soon.
Good parenting means we communicate changes to our children calmly, so they can adapt and adjust, and that they understand the situation (and know it is nothing they have done) Dd may well be confused and blame herself if the other children are distant. It is far better for op to talk it through before it happens.

Just cool it and it might not come to actually affecting the dd

It already has affected her dd, she is not going tonight and that will be very hurtful to a child who is used to be included with her friends. As you well know.

The dd saying saying something to someone will absolutely send C off on another round of retaliation

Op should not worry too much about C, C will move on to her next prey soon enough. Op's first priority is to her child, and certainly not to that awful woman!

No one knows what is happening yet with C Its no longer important what is 'happening with C'. Op does need to care what is happening with C anymore, that ship sailed long ago.

Are you one of the 'friends' by any chance Marsha?

Christ no how silly

I know my dc would be upset to lose their much loved friends due to idiotic adult dramas

That’s the angle I’m coming from

What if it blows over now?

If left by the op

C ‘reconciles’ with her h and the others haven’t been attacked / sent letters / dd’s aren’t forewarned about home problems

Look if she is affected by all means have the chat

And lastly I have said encourage new friendships just don’t be dramatic before you know you have to be

Its not going to blow over Marsha

It is far too serious for that to happen.

The friendship is over with C and L permanently, of that we can be certain. That means that op will no longer be able to trust either women with her child. That means there will be no more drinks parties or sleepovers with C's or L's children. This will have a potentially substantial impact on all of the children, not just op's. It is naive to think otherwise.

I know my dc would be upset to lose their much loved friends due to idiotic adult dramas

Op did not choose for this to happen, C created this adult drama all by herself. The children are caught up in the mess by default. The responsibility for this lies entirely with C.
Much can be done to shield the children, but we have to be realistic, things will not be the same as they were before, and any parent worth their salt would be doing their level best to limit the damage to their own child.

If this was happening to me i would leave a message on the WA group, tell them that i didnt want to hear anymore about her and tell them that you feel as though they havnt had your back ect and then id leave the group and block all 3 of them. These people arnt your friends dont waste any more time on them

My hope for the op’s dd is that she can still play with her friends at school or at least for them not to turn against her while she makes new friends

I know it’s a low bar considering the op did nothing wrong at all but that’s what I’m considered when I posted

Look if she is affected by all means have the chat

How many times?? Op's dd is already affected, she isn't going to the sleepover this evening, she has been excluded.

But your idea is just to ignore how DD might feel about it, and pretend it will all blow over? It will not blow over. How is that good advice?

It’s one sleep over, distraction then see

It could get much worse or it could get better

But ok go for it

No one is saying that Op's dd should not play with the children at school, or to be friendly and nice. No one is saying that her dd should avoid the other children. But it is very important that dd is not hurt in all of this, and the best way to protect her is by expanding the social network, and being clear that none of this is her fault.

You seem very inexperienced to me, if you think this will not affect the children. It absolutely will. We can be sure of that.

If C wanted to play nice, she could have invited op's dd (and op could have decided whether to accept or not) but she didn't did she. Thus giving a very strong signal that she is not prepared to play nice for the sake of the children at all. She is an utter bitch.

No god ok gotta do stuff

But if she mentions home problems to her dd, lets hope the dd doesn’t repeat this at school

Because then she may well be the one who is left out

Do you not think it is blindingly obvious that there are problems in C"s home given that her dd was off school?

Are you being like this to someone else/op Marsha is that it? Because you seem remarkably supportive of C.