C and the (non-existent) FB messages

[JaysusWept]

Morning all.
Can't believe the last thread filled up!
Thanks so much to everyone for all of your responses and your support. It really was invaluable to me.

According to K, M and D, they've had no response from C to their messages asking her to explain what has gone on and why she's been lying. She's seen the messages, but hasn't replied to any of them. I ended up muting my WA chat last night because it was buzzing constantly Did make me wonder if the chat I was exluded from was as busy...

L has told M that she'd believed C, can't believe she would lie about something as serious as this (nothing about not believing I would do such a thing!) and that she needs to hear what C has to say about it. She hasn't attempted to contact me, and I don't want her to. That friendship is over.

I'm wondering what C will come back with now. Part of me thinks she'll just freeze K, M and D out and not even bother to give an explanation, because how could she explain it?
I'm just so relieved that that's it now - they know I wasn't lying. Although I intend to stay friends with K, M and D, I think my friendship with them will cool slightly. They didn't support me when I needed it, and from their responses/reactions, I'm guessing that they were similarly as gossipy and 'excited' with C and L when this was all going on. I'd hoped they were trying not to take sides, etc - but the way they seem to be almost revelling in this now, with the amount of messaging and speculation - I'm guessing they were speculating about me this way?
It's left a bad taste in my mouth.

Have you mentioned to K how all of this has made you feel? Have any of them acknowledged how nasty it is to have excluded your DD like that?

What a bunch of nasty bitches.

She's a vindictive, manipulative, delusional, woman. You may be hurting at the moment because,yet again, she has done something negative; this time to punish your child and make you feel isolated.

But you will be relieved that you do not have to entertain this level of lunacy again. Stay strong and leave the sheeple to it. Grieve for the friendship you thought you had. Be prepared that they will rub your face in it and they'll be loads of stayovers, etc. But one day, it will end.

Keep them all at arms' length (per previous poster's advice).

They've all played a hand at obstracising you. And by the sound of it, the fuckers have all been enjoying this a little too much.

1,465 MN Posters And Counting Are On My Side

Make that 1,466
They're behaving ridiculously, all of them.
Just goes to show how shallow they all are, not to have ditched C when it became crystal clear what a liar she is.
It's the queen bee syndrome - I've never understood it....

OP, I would send a link to the posts on here and then name change.
Let them read what normal people think and let them sit in the shame!

Op, I wonder if they have moved over to the other group because I can recall at least twice where you've said it's been buzzing and you've muted/ stayed out etc and so I know when i have been in groups and someone just reads but doesn't contribute things have then been moved aside.

Could it be that? Perhaps not maliciously to leave you out but because you've not really joined in with all the chat? Just a possibility?

I wouldn’t send a link to here.

In the position of K, D, or M, frankly I would remain neutral. OP, your view that they should choose sides is unrealistic.

Is changing schools next year feasible for you? Or having your daughter put in a different class? Frankly, the less you have to interact with them, the better. As I’ve posted from the beginning, find friends away from the school.

Re the numerous comments asking OP if she's told this coven how their behaviour has made her feel.

Please. Don't.

They will be unmoved by it. At worst they don't give a bison's backside. At worst they are getting a kick out of their repulsive, voyeuristic behaviour and are revelling in the misfortunes of others. The word 'sadistic' is probably over-egging the pudding, but there's no doubt that what they are engaging in is a less extreme variation on that particular theme.

As for finding 'your tribe', to blazes with that. It's the tribalism mentality that's led to this mess in the first place. No one needs 'friendship groups' beyond the age of about 16. Let friendships stand or fall on an individual basis: most will drift, a few will endure over time, and the hard times will show you who is worthy of your time and who isn't. (And these distinctions apply to everyone; I don't see certain in-laws on precisely that basis). Networking is for work, not the DCs' school.

Kudos to you, OP, for being firm and clear about what you will and won't accept from those who are supposedly close to you. It will stand you in good stead and offer an excellent model to your DC. To thine own self be true. And from your PP what shines out very clearly is that it's a good self, one who has integrity, honour and self-respect no matter what's thrown at you by weaker, less worthy characters. As you go through life you won't be without friends. About C, I'm not so sure

Sadly I agree with @pictish Op - all very unfair to you.

I think you're right, cheerful but aloof is the best way to go to ensure that your DD doesn't suffer as a direct result. So sorry Op as this is so unfair to you.

I was in an antenatal group of 8 Mums where initially I thought we were all great friends. Then one mum in particular started being unpleasant. One example - I'd paid her money for a ticketed special event for the little ones and she actually refunded my money and pretended it wasn't going ahead. Just so another mum she preferred who hadn't booked tickets in time could have mine!
To this day they don't know that I know it did go ahead. 3 families were in on the secret at least. I cut contact completely the day I found out this last incident. I really liked 2 of the Mums in particular but I also knew they liked the unpleasant one a lot. I knew the group for me was ruined and that the nice 2 would not understand why I didn't want to see the whole group. I've never regretted walking away and I hope the unpleasant one knows why. I'm sure she couldn't give a hoot but I'd like her to realise I know what a conniving cow she was and wonder how I know!

They're all meeting at C's, their children are all having a sleepover.
They've made their choice - and it isn't you.
Don't do the "pick me dance"or compete for attention.

At school pickup, go at the last minute, pick up at the last minute. Polite smile, walk away, if approached, say you're busy/off to the shops, sorry, can't stop.

You need new contacts, your DD needs new friends. So change your social life.

Brownies, guides, gymnastics classes, martial arts, drama club /singing/dancing classes, etc. You'll soon get drawn into these activities too, or it could be a free hour now & again for yourself.

Next time, be friendly - but only to a point. Hold back a little.

And if any of these ex-friends challenge you, state that the you are disgusted by the whole business, and that with you gone, it will be them one of them next.

What I'm saying is good luck OP - their loss.

sounds like the Husband has left after all her crap.. I don't blame him.. and I feel bad for OP's DD too.. just awful

“No one needs 'friendship groups' beyond the age of about 16. Let friendships stand or fall on an individual basis: most will drift, a few will endure over time, and the hard times will show you who is worthy of your time and who isn't.”

Never have I agreed with a statement more. It’s precisely where I’m at in life now, regarding my friendships. I don’t have a group...jeez they’re hard work and fraught with indiscretion. Plus you always end up having to spend quality time with one or two people who, if you’re being honest, you’re not that arsed about.

As you get older and choosier and busier and more tired and much much less giving of a fuck for such noise as friendship groups, you stop worrying about letting these feckless friendships go. When you know you wouldn’t have dreamed of treating a friend the way they have treated you, you soon learn to drop that sack of crap where it lays.

You don’t need your friends to be in a group although mutual friends are cool. Be friends with people who are friends to you...and trust me, those friends don’t come as part of a convenient set.

Are you the only single lone parent of the "friendship group"?

OP the fact is you can’t reason or argue with stupid. She is queen bee and likely to remain so. I agree with others about keeping them at arms length but not cutting out for sake of your DD. Times like this, least said soonest mended methinks

Sorry they've all been so crap to you it's awful. I reckon he's left her for being so bat shit crazy.

Actually, I think you should still (at least pretend to) facilitate friendships with the civil ones for the sake of your daughter while you shore up new friends for her elsewhere, AND in the meantime, encourage them to realize how very hurt you are by this and remind them that YOU are the innocent party in all of this and have still not received an apology. You have NEVER been anything but a good friend to anyone in the group, but have ended up maligned and isolated for no reason, and you would be very open to forgiving your friend, who obviously needs support right now (lay it on thick) if she simply apologized. You could be a very valuable support for her having been through similar yourself, etc.....
Then, once she refuses to do this, the other women will realize that she’s still trying to scapegoat you - for no fucking reason.

OP this stuff really hurts. It is always a shock when being in the right counts for nothing. Don't engage with them further. Have a lovely evening with DD.

Good luck on the school run tomorrow. We're all rooting for you.

The fact that no one has stood by you speaks volumes about these women's priorities. They want to socialise with the queen bee and be invited to everything, as well as be 'in' on all the hot playground gossip, they are drawn to drama like a moth to the flame. Shallow shallow shallow.

OP, you need to choose better friends, I'm guessing this lot swarmed around you in your time if need and you mistook their interest as support. Don't take it personally they gossip about everyone, even each other.

At pick up time, whilst waiting for your dd, get out your phone. Get on MN. And know that right now, you've got a little bit of support.
We might only be anonymous randomers from t'internet but there'll be someone here! So get your phone out, talk to a viper or two and ignore everyone else!

I'm going to agree with the many saying "say nothing" about either your upset or your DD's.
It won't help and if they screen shot it to C, then you're providing them with fodder - just not worth it.

Best bet is to let them realise that you have moved on - as you said, be cool and civil to them but don't stop to chat or hang around them.

And yes - take your DD out for a special treat tonight (is it tonight or next week?) so she doesn't realise that she's missing out.

Remember - you are worth more than this shitshow. Go and find some people who properly appreciate you for who you are. (and hopefully they'll have DC for your DD to play with too)

I can’t believe that a group of grown up women would behave in such a way. And I’d put money on her being jealous of something about you - your daughter is smarter/prettier/better at gymnastics- than her daughter, you have a coat she likes, the others talk about you glowingly, you have lovely hair..it could be ANYTHING. You just don’t know with people like that - she probably barely knows herself.

This ruckus feeds both her desire to exclude you from the group, and to get her drama fix, and you’re better off out of it. I’d say absolutely nothing. You’ll only be feeding the drama and it won’t give you what you want. She’ll turn on one of the others next, just wait and see. People like that can’t help themselves and now you’re off the scene she’ll need a new victim. So stay aloof, widen your daughters social circle, and you will make better, higher quality, friends. xx

Id love to be a fly on the wall tonight to see how she handles this, what bull she will come out with! The others wide eyed and lapping it up not direct questioning. Id hope one of them calls her out on it but i doubt it. Good luck today on the school run op, head high

Op never was a quote more apt for you than the one below. Move heaven and hell to ensure your dd is as unaffected by C's drama, by using every single possible for avenue open to you. Your sister, your family and those that you know at school and locally. You need military planning you can offset the intended pain to your dd. By rallying the troops you will be able to neutralise their actions.

I would absolutely talk to your dd, and tell her that sadly C is having lots and lots of problems at home, which is why her dd was not in school the other day, and that you may not be seeing a lot of them whilst they work it out. By doing this you are fully preparing your dd for any comments the other children may or may not say. Do not go into detail about the facts, the children should be shielded from this drama if at all possible.
Then end on a positive note, that this is a great opportunity to spend more time with lots of other children, who would she like to invite over first?

You can not change what C is doing, and by extension the others in the group, but you can mitigate the situation by choosing to deal with this carefully and wisely so your child does not come to harm.

Plan something special for every Friday going forward, so that you are 'busy' every time C decides to do one of her drinks and kids sleepover nights.

This the quote, I would hold it close in the coming weeks:

'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can'