@DustMyselfOff Just caught up with the last two days of thread, nothing I have to say is anything new - it echoes everything everyone else has said. Glad you're getting some support.
So, Mr Cactus arrived at 8pm. For some weird reason I was nervous and couldn't really look him in the eye but I did go for a nice hug to calm me down. We watched some TV, spent a lot of time giggling because one of my dogs is obsessed with him and wanted to climb all over him. He spent most of the time with the other dog and my spaniel just couldn't handle that she wasn't getting the attention. I was tired quite quickly so went to bed early, had a cuddle and fell asleep. Both woke up at 6am, my lodger's alarm started going off at 7am and didn't stop for 45 fucking minutes. So we drove to the local co op, got some sausages and he made me a lovely sausage sandwich for breakfast. Then we took dogs out for a walk in the torrential rain and then he went for a shower so I went back to bed for a nap. Then had lots more cuddles and eventually got up, went into town to an independent food festival and we held hands for the first time. First time we've been out in public and openly affectionate so we're onto the next stage I'd guess! Had a really nice day even though it was raining. Finding it very easy to be physically affection with him where I haven't been able to with other people. Went back home, got back into bed (we're both serial nappers) and after a quick nap, things got a little hot and heavy and he asked "How stringent is Shark Week Ban" and I said, there's no ban on my part and well.....I'm happy to know he's not grossed out by this kinda stuff. Stayed in bed for a couple more hours because I suddenly got sad and was missing DS and felt a bit like a bad parent, as exMIL was texting me saying he missed his mummy and thought I'd forgotten about him.
We had a conversation about how I didn't ever expect anything from Mr Cactus as he isn't open about his feelings and so I just get on with stuff. I said I missed him during the week and he responded with "I miss you too" I asked him why and he replied with "Because we have fun", and my heart might have sunk a little bit. He went home, I drove to DS's grandmas to pick him up.
On my way to pick up DS I got a message from Mr Cactus saying he should have said it earlier but he had a really nice day, he thought I was a good parent and that he doesn't just miss me because he has fun with me, that is just a part of it.
Thing is, this is the first time I don't need someone to verbally confirm their feelings to me. I didn't feel secure when we had the "unsure" conversation a few weeks ago and I did explain to him yesterday I held on to that conversation for a couple of weeks and I didn't feel good. But...he's expressive physically and I don't mean sexually. I mean like, he'll walk up behind me and kiss the back of my neck and walk away. Or he walked across the bedroom yesterday and put his arms round me from behind, I said "Why are you over here" and he said "Because you're over here". I have an ugly body yet he doesn't care. Those things show me how he feels, more than if he told me. Also, we have a little phrase "I quite like you" which we've both repeated for the past month, rarely but in the right circumstances and that really tells me all I need to know.
I did make a bit of a faux pas yesterday, he was looking at a gig for us to go to next April. And I said....that's a bit far away isn't it considering you told me your relationships don't last longer than 6 months. And he said "Not all", I said "Just going on what you said" and he pouted at me and I felt awful......