Dating thread 170: Know your worth

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

**

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

@KhaleesiTargaryen I would adjust your settings on POF. I have mine limited to a certain age range. You can also filter out if you would date a smoker or someone with a 'few extra pounds'.

@MoreNiceCereal if you need any advice on this I can help you. PM if you like

Thanks, Kermit. The funeral hasn't even happened yet.

I've had my own shit, I'm empathetic to the desire to find solace in distraction, but damn. I told him, with all empathy, to call me up after Christmas. I can't be someone's therapist. He needs to deal with things first.

Thanks for the replies, I do think we are different pages most of the time. By the time we got out for lunch it was almost 2pm, I was starving. He did say sorry several times. He’s only ever really been in one relationship (with his ex wife) and hasn’t been on his own long where as I have been on my own almost 5 years, I think his ex probably did a lot for him and he struggles on his own, he was late for work several times this week because he went back to sleep after his alarm went off, he stays up late at night and is always yawning. I think your right that people start showing their true colours after 3 months. We had a ok day once we actually went out but I kind of feel like it could have been better if he had turned up on time.

Morenice I was dating someone a year or so ago who’s dad suddenly died, it was hard to know what to say and in the end I walked away as he seemed to want far too much attention which I couldn’t give (I hardly knew him). I think you have done the right thing.

Thanks, Love. I felt bad shutting things down after he opened up like that, but I'm a stranger. He needs friends.

@lovemusic33 oh, he sounds like a manchild (or teenager) with that sleeping pattern - sleeping in for work? I think I've done that once in about 20 years because I hadn't clicked all the weekdays on my settings. Even then I still made it to work on time. My ex liked to stay up really late and would happily stay in bed til midday on weekends. And he'd been on his own for a good 3 years.

Not sure I could be arsed with that. As you've said, your free time is so precious. Just ask yourself if this is how you want your life to be.

@MoreNiceCerealyou did the right thing. His head cannot be in the right place at the moment at all.

@KhaleesiTargaryen 200 messages? When I tried pof I got almost no messages. I must be deeply undesirable to the men of pof in this region. 😂 I might have had several filters on though. But still, I was never anything approaching inundated.

You definitely did the right thing in telling MrScrimgeour to come back after Christmas. Simply being someone's distraction is not good enough.

@woomawang Im in a fairly big city. Don't really know how many filters I'd put on but (i hate to say it) it was mostly dross... Like being in a seedy, shitty nightlcub. Loads of chancers with one word messages - or even just heart-eyes or yummy emojis!!

Not for me and how do you even start to get through all that...

@KhaleesiTargaryen It’s just my own negativity really, I’m used to being let down so I often expect the worst, then anything better is a nice surprise. MiniSJT also has additional needs, no four year old is easy, but he is particularly challenging at times. Then there is the fact that MrNN is only 27 and the whole having a child thing is quite unusual.

Khaleesi your right, I think if he was staying at mine and didn’t get out of bed until late it would drive me nuts, my idea of a lie in is 8am on a Sunday, his idea of a lie in is getting up at mid day. He does work 6 days a week so I can understand he might want a bit of a lie in but if he went to bed earlier he wouldn’t be so tired.

SimonJT you sound similar to me, I’ve got used to being let down so I find it hard to stay positive about anything new.

I just feel utterly unloveable. I think I've been on OLD to try and prove myself wrong but it's just depressing me further.
How long before you start to recover from the break up of a very long term relationship? It - I - feel so hopeless...

@DustMyselfOff I googled extensively when Mr Tall ditched me - they reckon it takes half the relationship to fully get over it. I'd been seeing him for 11 weeks and it's taken me nearly 4 to get over the worse and only now I feel ok about it all but it's still in the back of my mind. I've stopped comparing irons to him now and have completely deleted his number and him from my life.

A broken heart is fucking horrible and I won't allow another in just yet. Normally it's me doing the breaking and it hurts like physical pain.

Keep talking to us - we're here for you, the guys and gals on here have a wealth of knowledge and experience x

Seven and a half years of feeling like this? Are you fucking kidding me?

And he is already making marriage plans.

I swear if it wasn't for my children I would be standing on a train platform about now

@dustmyselfoff First of all, you're not unloveable. You've been through a really shit break-up and you need to heal

Weirdly, I felt even more devastated when my pretty short relationship recently ended than after my divorce. I don't know if I was in the right place to start that relationship when I did, I think I was looking for too much too soon and he couldn't give me that. My marriage was loveless for a good few years before I divorced, so I kind of understand how you feel I think - don't want to presume.

But I think you need to nurture yourself. Work on your hobbies, your friendships, your home - all the things that are important to you - before you look for someone to give you love. I think someone mentioned this up thread that you find what you are. So if you're in a bad place you'll attract people similar to that (and repel the good guys).

sorry for the rambling text [puzzled] x

and yes to the physical pain @KermitRulesOK

I think the longer we pick at the scab the longer it takes. When you find yourself wallowing, get up and do something else, something productive or creative. Go for a run.

I've been out for a run and literally stopped for a good cry, but then got back to it and kept on going, saying "i will get over this!" out loud to myself. We are all behind you every step.

Oh - I've just seen your latest post. Please go to your GP. Tell them how you feel. You need real life support.

@KhaleesiTargaryen about a week or so I had a moment where I hadn't showered for a few days (yuck!) I caught myself in the mirror looking unclean and yucky. I said to myself 'enough, now' and pretty much erased him from my mind, thoughts and phone. I literally drew a line in the air and in a very weird way it was exactly what I needed.

I can't go out running just yet but I'm back to my happy self...@DustMyselfOff I know this is an enormous clique but you need time to heal - I got back in the apps as a distraction but in hindsight it was wrong and unfair on the blokes I matched with as my head wasn't in the correct place.

It feels, at the moment, that everything is falling down around you but believe me it will start getting better. It's very early days yet. Surround yourself with people that love you ie your children - tell them how much you love them and you'll start feeling better. We've all been where you are (some more times than once) and everyone says the same - it takes time to heal a broken heart

It's CassettesAreCool here, out of self-imposed purdah.

Dustmyselfoff I echo Khaleesi 100% - please reach out for real-life support, starting with the GP but including everyone you know who loves you. You are going through a traumatic time and you need to breathe and heal. I really think OLD is too soon for you. After a 30 year relationship, latterly pretty loveless, it took me 30 months to get back on the horse - and actually I've read somewhere that one month for every year is about right. That's not true for everyone, but it certainly was for me. You say you feel you want NSA sex, and I understand that, but actually that may just be the last thing that's good for you right now. Keep talking

I have awesome friends and family. I have a counsellor I'm seeing weekly. None of them are here in the middle of the night when the loneliness of being the only adult here crushes me and i keep thinning scout the happy plans my husband is making to marry soneone else.

*thinking about

I absolutely used dating/sex as a maladaptive coping mechanism. In retrospect, I was very, very lucky to end up with men who weren't abusive tossers, because I was very vulnerable.

I'm still not very far out from ending my ltr, but I'll be fucked if I wait 18 months + before dating again.

I've probably grown hard. I don't know if what I'm doing is right, necessarily, but I'm just sharing what I've done.

Dust I split with ex husband almost 5 years ago, I left him but it still took me ages to get used to the lonely evenings, I struggled and stupidly jumped into a relationship which ended after a year (very badly), since then I have been on my own other than the odd date, I would say it took me a year to find myself again and to enjoy my own company, I was with ex husband from the age of 19/20 so I had never been alone. It does get easier and I now enjoy being on my own and am struggling with being in a relationship with Mr Skinny, I’m not used to having to consider another person whilst making plans 🤣, I’m used to doing what I like when I like and there’s a lot of positives of being single.

Dust I totally hear you about that. It sucks so much that the shit one in the partnership gets to go off and play happy families while the good one suffers and struggles. There is no easy answer to how to cope with that sadly. I confess in that terrible time I developed a real dependence on a teddy bear that my DD gave me - I still cuddle it every night and I'm nearly 57! But you will come through this and your DC will bear witness to your amazing strength and love for them that kept you going.