Dating thread 170: Know your worth

[Ginmel]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

@Ant330
A lot harder when you're not the one who's fallen out of love though, but the one who's been fallen out of love with. He still wants to be friends but honestly it's too painful, too soon and I don't trust him. I meed to detach and I can't do that if things don't seem that different and we're still spending time together. Also why should he het to do this to me but still keep all the bits of me he wanted. When you dump your wife it has to be all or nothing doesn't it?

Everyone keeps saying to do things he didn't want to do but we had similar tastes and the only thing he didn't want to do was dancing but i can hardly do that without a partner anyway, though i will go out with my friends soon. Well. He wasn't into going to kink clubs either so I can do that but again with the putting myself in a vulnerable position....
I've got in touch with an old friend who i trust but they're 2 hours away so it'll be a while before i can meet up with them

dustmyself I was in a similar position to you and had rug pulled on me after 21 years - completely out of blue - and I couldn't even contemplate trying to get back into the dating game until at least 18 months after and even then I've been taking things slowly and have only realised this month that I wasnt really investing too much for fear of being hurt again because now I'm dating someone that I really quite like I've realised I feel differently but it's a risk I'm willing to actually take for this one

Trying to catch up with thread! So much going on - will just say Good Luck to all those with dates!

So I had a great time with Dancing man on Friday. He has been so nice in run up to meeting again and texted everyday. Was lovely on the night. I did not dance with him, but at the end when everyone was sitting and relaxing as the last dance played I went and sat next to him and he put his arms around me. It felt really good and nice. Went back to his and we chatted and chatted for hours. I know I have been dubious about him but he really does seem nice. Really kind and encouraging and interested and interesting. I think maybe the things I was concerned about before had a lot to do with my own shit. I didnt' like him forcing a dance before but tbf he has only done that once. Normally he leaves me alone. Last night he said that he doesn't try to dance with me normally as he notices that I like to go to the edges and he has thought this meant I wanted to be left alone (it does!). He instigated the 'what is this between us' conversation . We decided to be more than friends. I told him I was not an easy option because of various stuff in my life and I am not able to meet up freely and frequently, and he said he was not an easy option either because of his abusive childhood and the effects of that. I told him I didn't care. I know if might become an issue, but at the moment I admire his self-awareness and how he has really built himself as a person and created a successful life from such tough odds. And my previous relationships have been with complete emotional fucktards who came from stable and loving family backgrounds, so a secure family background has hardly translated into a good partner in my book. He has been kind and funny and supportive to me and I think it is worth giving things a chance. So I am going to.

@DustMyselfOff completely agree and sorry if it sounded like I was trivialising your seperation. I subsequently found out my ex had been cheating on me with one of my mates, the husband of one of her best friends (supposedly). For her (not my ex) the split came completely out of the blue and it's taken her 6 or 7 months to come to terms with it, but to give you hope she has recently started dating a lovely guy she met on Tinder.
Personally I think your ex is being unfair because while he's around he's stopping you dealing with it, providing mixed signals which will be incredibly confusing, and slowing down the process of you moving on.
I think lots of people who separate reasonably amicably think they can stay friends, the only time I've seen that work is when there was nobody else involved and it was a mutual decision. And even then when one or both of you meets a new partner or starts dating that friendship becomes severely tested.
If possible, and it depends on your situation, I'd be aiming for a period of no contact for a while to let you come to terms with what's happened. If you can resurrect the friendship afterwards then great.
Going back to my point earlier, even though I made the decision it was still a shock when they moved out and I wallowed for 2-3 weeks until my friends dragged me out. Theres nothing wrong with a bit of harmless swiping if that's where you are, but I wouldn't rush into meeting anybody atm. But that's just me, you need to do what feels right for you. Feel for you, after seeing the same happen to a good friend

Dustmyselfoff Yeah, I agree with you and Ant. Your husband is taking by leaving yet still wanting you there to provide an emotional support service to him ( which is effectively what he is doing by hanging around as 'friends').

Some people can be friends after a relationship end but I personally think there needs to be a period of real and total separation first (at least I would need that). And I think it is utterly selfish to out of the blue end a marriage, yet still expect your spouse to be 'friends'. Talk about wanting your cake and eating it.

That should have read ' your husband it taking the piss'.

I remember, just before I discovered my ex h was having an affair, I knew something was wrong because he was acting like a child and moping around the house for no reason. When I asked him what was wrong he told me he wasn't happy but didn't know why. The next two weeks were awful as I tried to work out how I was making him so unhappy and him giving me nothing in return.

He told me one evening after talks (to save our marriage, as I thought) that he "didn't want to lose his best friend". He cried and hugged me. I found out a few days later.
I realised then that he wasn't my best friend as I would NEVER treat my best friend like he treated me in those two weeks. It was worse then the weeks and months that followed our separation and was completely avoidable if he'd have had some balls.

Fortunately, I have some amazing best friends and certainly didn't need him to fill that role. He still seems to think we're friends now because I don't shout or scream or bitch but that is for our children and nothing or no one else.

I didn't date for 6 months after we split and even then I probably wasn't really ready but I needed to move on.

thanks @Ant330 . I didn't feel you were trivialising it.

The truth is I've been craving a sense of being loved for a long long time so this is just heartbreak on top of heartbreak and years of incipient low level loneliness exploded into catastrophic pain

Hope you're ok dust

dust

Oh dust I know what a lukewarm marriage feels like 🤗 hugs to you.

Loo update - Mr Sexy Beard is gorgeous and awesome

Wooo! 🥳 @KermitRulesOK

Yay @KermitRulesOK 🔥

@DustMyselfOff .I can relate to what you mean about craving a sense of being loved....Something is bette then nothing.

Moving on i have been chatting to a iron...All the right comments like I miss you etc .Enjoying the chats but i didnt go on here to get a pen friend.How long do uou guys give ot to it move on or dum0..

Little niggles have bubbled to the surface of my consciousness about Mr Climber and I'm suddenly not feeling it. Nothing terrible, not even pink flags let alone red ones, I think, just overwhelmed by 'meh'. That seems really horrible to say about someone, doesn't it? Maybe I'm just tired. I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

So date with Mr Sexy Beard ended with a lovely kiss and cuddle. He's really lovely and we are defo having a second date when we can fit it in!

Sounds promising, Kermit!

Pleased it went well for you kermit sounds like you had a lovely evening! I did too first time dtd with not-exh and it went very well! Things are moving a lot quicker than I expected but I'm comfortable with it so far.

@KermitRulesOK and @KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt Looks like you both had fab evenings.

@MoreNiceCereal Does Mr Climber come across as a bit boring?

MiniSJT and I are off to his swimming lesson in a few minutes, we’re either going to the park after or the indoor petting zoo (depending on the weather) as MiniSJT is meeting MrNN today. So that will be a bit of a brown trouser moment.

@KermitRulesOK how exciting! I love hearing success stories.
@notmrscookie have you met this iron yet? I've been chatting to one for a week now and he's not mentioned meeting. I'm usually happy to be forward and mention it first but I don't actually have any free time soon!

Can I ask, how do those with DC manage with dating? I only have EOW free. My ex only has the kids for a few hours one night a week too, so I'm finding dating hard due to lack of free time. I'd prefer to date a guy who has kids himself but this can then throw up even more time complications.

@crappyday2018 I have a friend who babysits, or I hire a sitter.

@SimonJT yes, a bit. He seems nice enough but can't seem to carry a conversation without it descending into "aw bless" from him. Sigh.

@crappyday2018 I was originally looking for someone with children but liked Mr Rs profile, started chatting and here we are nearly five months later. We see each other during the day as ex doesn't tend to have dc at night and he has come over when they're asleep a few times. I also have a babysitter sometimes. We don't see each other as much as we'd like and at one point I even asked why he didn't want an uncomplicated woman without kids but he has been out with some awful women (just like we've been out with some awful men) and would rather stick with me!

Glad to hear of good dates @KermitRulesOK and @KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt

@notmrscookie have you suggested a date? I think some people need a nudge.

@SimonJT good luck, I'm sure it will go well.

@MoreNiceCereal a man that says "aw bless"? Wow there's a phrase that would glue my fanny shut.

@MoreNiceCereal thank you! I do have a friend who can babysit now and again. I have to be careful because my oldest isn't daft and don't think he'd like to think I was on dates!
@StealthNinjaMum that is great to hear. I have dated guys in the past who have been ok with my lack of time but I'm very conscious of it. I don't get day time off either as I work every day!! The school holidays are easier though as my ex has the kids a bit more then.

Another question just to be annoying - has anyone ever gone on a date with a guy who looks-wise they wouldn't usually look at, just because their chat was so good? And did it work out or not?