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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 170: Know your worth

999 replies

Ginmel · 16/09/2019 18:05

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

**

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item. 😘

OP posts:
WhatWhyWhen · 16/09/2019 22:23

Update. I have deleted MrCNeeHF conversations, photos and number from my phone. It isn’t making me happy and there is no point romanticising someone who really isn’t good enough for me and will hold me back from committing to the proper search, I have worth.

I have got the number saved somewhere as I seem to be unable to take that last step. I need to delete the save and all the music that reminds me of him (though I like the tunes dammit).

How do I do that last bit?

Notcoolmum · 16/09/2019 22:32

Well
Some @WhatWhyWhen I found that bit really difficult. Months of messages and pictures gone in a flash. But also cathartic as it stopped me from being able to reread and reanalyse every message.

I would just not listen to the tunes for a while. The association will die down in time.

Winona45 · 16/09/2019 22:41

I think im a bit scared to actually go on a date. Maybe im being unfair talking to them right now.
I was just staggered when he asked me what i was doing tomorrow in the second message!!

Is bumble pretty good ? What else would people suggest? Im not doing Tinder. Casual hook ups are not my thing!

OP posts:
MoreNiceCereal · 16/09/2019 22:56

Checking in.

Looks like I've been ghosted by Mr Silver Fox. Hey ho.

Meeting Mr Hong Kong tomorrow for some daytime fun. No loss. Grin

Marlboroandmalbec34 · 16/09/2019 23:06

Hey everyone. Just marking my place. Having a very hard time with stbxh at the mo. So difficult as swiping/ dating/ Mr Big were a great distraction for me but I’m half way through my dating break and don’t want to swipe when I’m feeling crap so gonna stay off the apps a while longer.

I’m only dipping in and out but just wanted to say hey

Notcoolmum · 16/09/2019 23:07

Tinder is just the same as Bumble but with more men on it and you don't have to send the first message. Tinder is as much about relationships as hook ups. You will find the same people on most of the popular sites. My swiping rules were: more than one photo. Some info in the bio. No naked torso or bed pics. No main pics of them with their children. Good spelling and grammar in the bio. And of course something about them I found attractive.

JeSuisPrest · 16/09/2019 23:21

@Winona45 Don't write off Tinder too quickly. I also thought it was a hook up site and only went on it after my BF dumped me and I didn't want to go back on POF in case I saw him/he saw me on there as that's where we'd met originally. Did me some swiping on Tinder and matched with my BF (still feels odd saying that). I'm 44, he's 39 🤷‍♀️. He was the only one I actually met from Tinder although I messaged a few. Some lovely and respectful, interesting chat etc and a couple of sex pests- no different to POF imo.

I did date guys up to 5 years older if they met my not inconsiderable criteria and I found them attractive, some I had ONS with, had one FWB, one lasted 4 months and a few only got as far as a coffee in Costa. Don't get too hung up on the age thing (within reason) before you meet up.

eyebrowsofinstagram · 16/09/2019 23:31

Evening all, I'm just following up on my cryptic message sent at lunchtime.

I'd had one wonderful date with Mr Amazing, loads of spark and connection, consistently nice messages in between and setting up the second date pretty quickly. But on the second date I clammed up like anything. I felt like I was 12 yrs old. Felt so out of my depth and totally not ready to move the 'friendship/spark/relationship' on in any way.

Well I came home and posted on here- and you lovely lot came to my rescue and recommended Brene Brown, for help with feeling vulnerable- as that's exactly what I felt.

Sooo I sent a big meaningful message to him- kind of to acknowledge that I could tell he was making an effort, and to put a bit of emotion in there too to say I was still interested.

Well I knew he'd reply nicely because he's a really nice guy. So he wrote back concerned if I was alright- as I think my sudden outpouring threw him a bit.

But the upshot is I think we won't meet again- but I've got another iron in the fire.

I've just got a new aim to work on now which is to move from a polite date into something more physical.

SBD1 · 17/09/2019 00:06

@ginmel I have tests all the time tbh, I’ve been pretty paranoid about it for years due to 3 sexual assaults it just gives me peace of mind. With regards to condoms, tbh, that’s not a him thing – I am the sort of person to stop using them….I hate them. And that is how the story of how I fell pregnant with DS whilst at university. You’d think I would learn. I also am comfortable enough with him not to use them. With a different partner, who knows I might have insisted on using them for longer. Not very responsible of me I guess!

@lifegoes Well the story behind London, is that whilst we were together on Thursday he talked about how his dad was being a pain and making him drive up north only to drive back down so we talked about the best way to deal with it and it resulted in his dad sulking so he didn’t go on the Friday like he was supposed to, came to mine instead, I said he should still go to London on the Saturday to help his sister and maybe his dad would be civil. Thus he left early.
And yeah, I didn’t expect to wake up with him next to me on Friday, I thought he'd come in shout for me but that’s because I thought I’d wake up from my nap earlier and it was still a nice surprise to wake up to a cuddle.

I think it has moved fairly quickly but maybe sometimes that’s okay. We’ve gelled fairly quickly, we’re both oddballs. But there is still boundaries and emotional barriers in place which we both know are there. For me, 3 weeks of limited "touching" was slow for me. When I was at uni, I was straight in bed. I know 3 weeks isn't long but it really was for me! I was nervous all the time and it took a while for me to relax because it was all strange and new to me. We're both reasonably open even if we don't necessarily have conversations about how we're feeling. He's quite expressive and easy to read, I wasn't to start with but he says he can understand what's going through my head now as my eyes say a lot even if my body doesn't. Honestly I couldn't even hug him for 3 weeks, and when I managed to I had to ask for a hug. He just didn't want to hug me if I wasn't receptive. And now he knows I am, and I go to him now. But thats expected. No kissing on the first date for me.

Kidney infection, need to phone doctors tomorrow to check there is nothing else in the results. I used to get them a lot when I was younger but honestly I don’t think I slept with anyone who wasn’t well endowed. I’m definitely allergic to spermicide, that was checked when I was younger. I might get some of the recommended condoms, I just need to check his drawer for the size hahah

@Savoretti Back in the day cranberry juice sorted me out. Nowadays nothing does, tesco cystitis relief helped a little bit this one was bad and took hold so I should have gone to the GP on day 2, not day 5 haha. And to echo @lifegoes, lube helps as I discovered. I just…erm never use it….no requirement. But I probably will use it, because its fun 😊

@unimpressorofcocks historically I didn’t because I was naïve. But I am glad I did with Mr Cactus

SBD1 · 17/09/2019 00:09

Oh this is a bit soppy of me, my DS has named the Cactus that Mr Cactus bought me. Showed it to him and he smiled so wide it made me a little emotional ahah. And then said when he eventually meets him after Christmas or later, he'll bring him his own cactus. waaaaaaaaah

don'tgetemotionallyinvestedyetdon'tgetemotionallyinvestedyetdon'tgetemotionallyinvestedyetdon'tgetemotionallyinvestedyetdon'tgetemotionallyinvestedyetdon'tgetemotionallyinvestedyetdon'tgetemotionallyinvestedyetdon'tgetemotionallyinvestedyetdon'tgetemotionallyinvestedyet

Bluezoo123 · 17/09/2019 00:36

Thanks for new thread -
marls sorry ex causing you grief
only sorry you were upset on your bday sending hugs
Welcome to all newbies
Just jumping on to say had good w/e with bf - he met a couple of my friends who approved and looked after me well when I was a vomiting mess over the w/e (self-induced so I don't deserve any sympathy!🤦‍♀️Not a big drinker and thought I'd have learnt by now but obviously not!-probably do this about once a year where I misjudge/mix my drinks).
Time with him limited this week as have dc this weekend.managed to sneak him in for a couple of hours this eve once dc in bed but really thinking I'll have to tell them something soon. One of them I know will be ok but the other can be a bit tricky.hmmm🤔

KeepCalmCarryOhFuckIt · 17/09/2019 06:48

New thread! Checking in. Date 2 with Mr Young tonight, we've chatted almost constantly since date 1 so I hope it goes well!

Thisismyusernamefornow · 17/09/2019 07:14

Hi.

I'm looking for some insight/advice for OD.

I've recently subscribed to Match for one month.

I've got about 10 conversations going, which is really too much for me but just seemed to happen when I started swiping am typing.

Obviously some guys want to take it to swapping numbers and meeting, which is great but I am getting cold feet.

Background is I split with ex at the beginning of the year but never really let him go and I've continued a weak version of the relationship ever since but I've now got to the point where I realise it can't continue and my heart is taking a bashing every time I pretend it can.

So what's the etiquette here. Do I swap numbers?

I've enjoyed the chatting but I don't give 100% to it - I prioritise my work, my children, reading, housework etc. So I might check in to Match read the messages and not reply until the next day. I know this will be perceived badly and I am not one to mess people around but my priorities just lie elsewhere. Is this going to end in tears? I don't want to upset anybody and I am keen to meet new people in my life but it's not just not the most important thing for me right now. Should I step away? As I said, I enjoy the conversation but I am not prioritising it and don't want this to be hurtful to the men I am talking to.

Thank you for any help or insight you might offer.

Ginmel · 17/09/2019 07:19

@sbd1 I was referring to his sexual health just as much as yours. The post @JeSuisPrest referred to from the lady who caught hiv was sobering. I wish I could find it in the search archives.

OP posts:
dazzlinghaze · 17/09/2019 07:48

@Thisismyusernamefornow It might be that while you're just chatting on Match the people don't feel real to you so that's why it's not a priority. Maybe if you took things further and met up with someone nice it would help you start to move on. But only you know if you're ready for that. Good luck!

Notcoolmum · 17/09/2019 08:37

@Thisismyusernamefornow I'd be honest with the men I was talking to that I was looking to take things slowly. Treat people as you'd like to be treated.

@SBD1 I think many of us have been doing the dating malarkey for a while and have made a lot of mistakes. When we see something that doesn't look quite right we want to give out our advice based on past hurts to avoid others experiencing the same pains. My key piece of advice would be to work on my friendships and myself and not make my relationship the centre of my life. But online dating can work and have happy results as shown by @JeSuisPrest @shitwithsugaron @batshitcrazy and others.

StealthNinjaMum · 17/09/2019 08:47

@winona45 I was very nervous about going on dates as I had been with my ex for 20 years and had never really been on a date. I was nervous for the first few but thanks to this thread I had really low expectations and the dates were ok - not great but I think by the time I met my now boyfriend I was much more confident.

@whatwhywhen Well done for deleting Mr Headfuck from your phone. You definitely are worth more than him.

@thisismysuernamefornow I was on Match and I found that sometimes conversations just fizzle out - I’d be surprised if most of your 10 guys can keep up an interesting convo for any length of time, it’s a theme on this thread that there are some unintelligent, monosyllabic men around and many will turn to sex talk too early. (Apologies to the lovely men on this thread who are not like that). I had a couple of men tell me off for taking too long to reply, which eliminated them from my pool. On the other hand I kept a couple of guys waiting because I had a crisis and they didn’t seem to mind that I’d not been in touch for a couple of weeks. Swap numbers with your favourite one or two if you want. Lots of us move to WhatsApp which causes loads of blue tick anxieties! Some might want a phone ‘interview’ with you (obviously they won’t call it that) or video call. I like phone interviews but some people don’t, it’s up to you if you want to do that. It can save time meeting on an actual date. Don’t worry about hurting men you haven’t met. They will also be having conversations with 10 women and fading out of the convos.

iamthrough · 17/09/2019 09:01

Hi All, There isn't much of an update form me. Mr Boat is now on holiday and didn't really expect to hear from him, however he did message briefly both on Fri and Saturday. Trouble is now although I have no right to expect a message from him as he's abroad - because the daily messages had become a habit - now he hasn't messaged for 2 days I'm now fretting!
Hello @winona45 I'm very similar to you in late 40's and haven't dated since my late 20's it is terrifying but what I'll say is you'll know when you're ready trust your instincts.
I also have a question for all - Now Mr Boat is on holiday (and I have no idea how he feels about me) I perhaps should be swiping for other potential Irons - however I feel a bit weird about that - like I wouldn't give those my full attention waiting for progress with Mr Boat?? Also feels disrespectful to Mr Boat if I were to strike up convo with someone new?? Quite likely Mr Boat will turn into nothing so if/when that happens I'll be back to square 1 anyway?? How do you manage multiple irons??

iamthrough · 17/09/2019 09:05

PS I think I'm possibly breaking rule No 3 with Mr Boat??? LOL
We've had 2 dates but nothing other than a quick peck on the lips has happened.

Ginmel · 17/09/2019 09:06

Most randomly Mr Sussex and I were in the same part of the city today so we met for breakfast. Not my type unfortunately. He was a bit of a dick actually. Now I will stay off fab for a bit.

OP posts:
Notcoolmum · 17/09/2019 09:28

@iamthrough I'd still be swiping at that stage. 2 dates and a peck is very earlybsages and you run the risk of putting too much hope and expectations onto Mr Boat. I find multiple irons sort themselves out. The rapport grows with one and you don't want to bother with others. But I wouldn't have narrowed it down quite so soon. And I'd assume Mr Boat is chatting to others.

Ginmel · 17/09/2019 09:47

Oh gosh. I just checked out colleague's friend list. He has 10 TVs on it. I have blocked him now. Must stop. Work and outside life need not collide.

OP posts:
Marlboroandmalbec34 · 17/09/2019 10:16

haha ginmel the guy who works in my corner shop is on fab (he keeps me in gin) he messaged me a face pic when I joined. I didnt exchange pics back but it really amuses me when he talks to me in the shop- not knowing im on fab- and i know his sexual preferences and have seen his winkle :)

Ginmel · 17/09/2019 10:19

@marlbs Grin I can't stop laughing at that

OP posts: