DP's marriage ended because he had an affair.

[YourLittleVeniceBitch]

We have spoken about it at great length. He has never minimised or made excuses for it. I know how much he regrets his actions and wishes he could go back and do things differently. The relationship wasn't a happy one and he took the cowards exit door. The knock on effect this has had on his relationship with his DC/the time he now has with them breaks his heart and he goes over and above to see them as much as he possibly can. He had extensive counselling to try and gain insight and make whatever changes he felt needed to be made.

In the 1.5 years we have been together he has never caused me so much as a single moment of worry or doubt. He is totally open and transparent. I trust him.

Am I a fool? I truly don't believe that life is as black and white as the MN mantra of "Once a cheat always a cheat" and I know from my own previous long term relationship that monogamy/fidelity can be a tricky path to navigate. I have done things in the past that I now bitterly regret and know I would never do again. Is it not possible that he has also matured and learned from his past as I have? Or is someone automatically a write off as a human being as soon as they have an affair? (I'm not defending affairs at all btw, just genuinely struggling to get my own thoughts/feelings on the subject figured out).

AIBU to believe that someone can fuck up in such a monumental way and learn from the experience and not inevitably do the same thing again?

This is all a bit jumbled, sorry. We're talking about moving in/marriage and I guess there is a tiny voice in the back of my head that says "He did it to his ex he might do it to you". But then again, someone who has never cheated before could also do it to me. You can never ever know what someone is going to do.

Any advice would be very welcome.

You know he's capable of it. He may never do it again, but he is capable of it.

I should add, you either need to make your peace with that it he isn't for you.

Do you anything about his pre-marriage relationships? My ex had an affair and swore blind it was the only time he did it. It wasn't.

I think his actions since his affair say more than his affair does. He has taken responsibility for it.

I'm with you OP. I've done awful things in my past that I would never, ever do again and I'd be devastated if my DH used these as reasons not to be with me in case it happened again.

I suppose I believe that a lot of (if not most) people are capable of it though. Given the "right" circumstances.

His exW was his first proper relationship - no idea about before that. They're very amicable now, I've met her multiple times. I hate what he did to her but it's so hard to reconcile the person who did that with the person I know.

You're right in that I need to make peace with it though. I guess I worry that if we move in together, things might get a bit cosy/boring and his eye will wander. But again, he has done nothing in the time we've been together to make me think this is even a possibility.

Hop, I firmly believe almost anyone is capable of having an affair in the right circumstances. The OPs partner might cheat one day, so might mine, so might my next door neighbour's.

People who cheat are not evil people who are destined to make the same bad choices over and over again. Yes, they hurt people, they can destroy a person but the reasons for affairs are usually complex and nuanced and can be the result of a toxic combination of personalities, circumstances and attraction.

OP your partner sounds more mature and self aware than your average person, and the fact he sought counseling and is open and honest speaks volumes. If you want the relationship to continue why don't you and he set boundaries together that you are both happy with and keep the lines of communication open. After that you just need to rely on trust, like every couple since the beginning of time.

Like you said, you could get with someone who had never cheated and they then cheat on you. Life is a gamble. 18m isn’t long though to be thinking about marriage. I would take your time in that. You are still honeymoon stage currently.

18 months is more than long enough to be thinking about moving in together and marriage! I wouldn't waste more than a month on someone if I couldn't see myself marrying them...

You know he's capable of it. He may never do it again, but he is capable of it.

Everybody is capable of it.

I agree with @Somebodystired, however, you are clearly not at peace with this and as @Hopoindown31 said if you can't make peace with this then there is no future as it will always be in your head.

Why did you come to MN about this rather than your partner? I am not trying to be a bitch about this, I am genuinely wondering why you don't feel this is a conversation you can have with him. If you are considering long term commitment you should be able to talk about anything.

People do drastic thing when they are unhappy no matter what some people on MN would try to convince you of. The fact he has had counselling is excellent. Maybe it would be worth talking to someone as a couple? This is something that won't go away on it's own.

He's got a lot of baggage, affair and emotional fallout, divorce, kids already. What's foolish is saddling yourself with this when you have none of this yourself. Life is hard enough without a guy like this. And personally, someone who does this to their family, their little kids, is a non-starter.

You’re in the honeymoon period where everything seems perfect and rosy.

I’d not be able to trust him, if he was unhappy you leave. You don’t hurt a partner and children by having an affair. It’s not a mistake, it’s a choice to have an affair.

@mariusjosipovic

Of course that argument could be extended to any action. However there is still a difference between someone who has done it and someone who hasn't. Past actions change the odds for a good reason.

Of course people who have affairs aren't evil they are just selfish thoughtless people who lack self control for the most part. Not great qualities in a partner.

Are you a lot younger than he is? Affairs don't just happen.

How long ago did he have this affair and how long was it for? How long since he split with his wife? Sounds like he's full of guilt. Rightly so. I've no sympathy for those who wilfully break up their children's lives by having an affair.

I think it depends on the nature of the affair. Someone who has cheated on everyone they've ever been with I wouldn't touch with a barge pole. Someone whose nice spouse was desperately trying to fix the marriage while they cruelly carried on behind their back, again I wouldn't be interested in. Someone who was in a mutually unhappy marriage, was possibly abused in some way, couldn't see a way out for whatever reason, and was generally opposed to cheating then I would hear them our at least. Or maybe if they'd been cheated on first. I'm not sure.

You may find that you never really be certain of the back story though, and that sows a seed of doubt that leads to lack of trust, which in turn ruins the relationship anyway.

The marriage ended 6 years ago.

He stayed with OW for 3 years until..............she had an affair. He says it was never going to work as it started in such an awful, negative way that a cloud was hanging over it. He felt compelled to give it a proper go as he had thrown away so much to be with her.

I have DC of my own. They adore him and he is wonderful with them. Their happiness and stability are, of course, my priority.

DP knows that were he to cheat on me it would immediately be over, zero second chances, zero explanations. I have been crystal clear about this.

We're not actively talking about moving in or marriage anytime soon. It's more in "Where do you see this going" kinda way.

I'm not young or naive. I think I have pretty good judgement in general. I'm not sure I want to live with another man ever again tbh.

But I do love him and he makes me feel very happy, safe and loved. We are massively compatible.

The idea of throwing that all away to start a search, at 39, for a partner who has never made a mistake seems rather foolhardy to say the least.

OP, what did you want from this thread?

Hopo - what most people want when they start a MN thread: Advice from other women, stories of similar experiences, the happy ever afters and the cautionary tales from those who have taken a similar risk on someone and been proven wrong, reassurance that my outlook is shared by others and I'm not a total freak.

It's highly likely he'll have another affair when he's bored or fed up with you. He's proven he's the type to just walk away, rather than work on a slump. That's who he is, proven track record.

No woman or her healing love will be special enough to change him. Your choice to stay or go. But that's who he is.

My marriage ended because I had an affair. At least that’s what it says on paper. In reality I lived with a man who emotionally abused me pretty much for the duration of the marriage. Who slowly eroded my self worth, who gradually encouraged me away from any friends, even to the point that he insisted we move to a place where we knew nobody because of his job, but making it impossible for me to go back to work due to long working hours and no local childcare.

He did things like turn the heating off in the garage so I couldn’t have heating on in the house while he wasn’t there. Put me down in public saying I had disgusting table manners etc when this wasn’t true. Told me he wouldn’t want to be seen with me in the clothes I was wearing. Constantly reminded me that I had no friends and that if I took issue with him ever going out that I was jealous because he had friends and I didn’t.

Talked about what an amazing shag (his words not mine) his ex girlfriend was in front of me and friends of his.

People say that if you’re unhappy you just leave. I tried multiple times, however it was always brought back to me that I wouldn’t be able to work, that I had nowhere to go and no-one who cared enough about me to be there for me.

I started talking to someone online, not online as in a dating site, just coincidently on social media, we got chatting and to my own disgust we met up and slept together just once. I had already been talking about leaving for some time by then, and this was the catalyst to my h deciding I was worthless enough that we should split.

It is without doubt the most regrettable thing I have ever done and two wrongs absolutely don’t make a right.

But to the MN massive it doesn’t matter what happened before the affair, the affair is the evil which obliterates all other wrongs.

I have absolutely no doubt that there are people who would post after mine saying that I was just looking for justifications to cheat and that my ex deserved better. That’s people’s prerogative naturally but life just isn’t that black and white.

Equally I am well aware that there are men who wouldn’t want to enter into a relationship with me because they might feel they couldn’t trust me. Again, that’s their prerogative and they’re entitled to feel that way. There are things I wouldn’t want as someone’s past, previous drug use, promiscuity, alcohol addiction or any other addiction for that matter, and when you admit to these things you open yourself up to judgement.

But just because others judge doesn’t mean that you are a reprehensible human being. It means that other people have their own dealbreakers.

OP your DP clearly regrets the affair. No-one can really know what happened and how and why, but the reality is that anyone has the capacity to cheat. Even the people who say they would never cheat have the capacity to cheat. In fact from my own experience I would say that it’s those who are most adamant they wouldn’t cheat who do. Because often an affair creeps up on you. You get talking to someone, you talk a bit more, confide in them and before you realise it you’re thinking about them and so on.

That doesn’t mean that everyone will cheat, but everyone could cheat.

I tend to agree that it's not as clear-cut as "once a cheat, always a cheat". One of my best friends was unfaithful to the DP who is now her husband. They were working in separate countries for a while, he was stressed at work, she felt neglected and unloved, he isn't a "talker" so closed off every time she tried to say she was unhappy.. She was disgusted with herself and owned up immediately. They worked on their issues and they're great together now.

It's a spectrum though. The longer the affair and the more complicated the double life involved, the less likely I think it is to be a "blip" .

I'd bloody well hope his eye isn't wandering or that he'd give you any concern in the first 18 months! That's no guide.

It's a risk, but life is risk. I think there's a difference between exit affairs and habitual infidelity - but eh, you're never going to know which it is until far down the road. Unless the ex-wife tells you different, I suppose.

I think for many people it is easier to do a second time. Tbh I think it must be harder to leave the woman you have children with than someone you don’t even live with, so I can see why you are feeling unsure.

Personally, I couldn't be with someone who had cheated, I'd never trust a cheater.
He'll just be very cautious when he cheats on you and it doesn't matter that it's a deal breaker, he'll just cover his tracks well.
His children obviously have him sussed.
Go before you get too invested.

I've cheated in the past and I've been cheated on. Would I cheat again? No. Lots of people cheat. Some just don't get caught or aren't honest enough to admit it.

Unpopularly I also don't agree with once a cheat always a cheat especially when they take responsibility for their side of things.
I know of 6 relationships that started as affairs and they are all still together 15+ years later.

People do dumb, selfish things sometimes.

You are highly unlikely to get many answers you want here op but good luck.