DP's marriage ended because he had an affair.

[YourLittleVeniceBitch]

We have spoken about it at great length. He has never minimised or made excuses for it. I know how much he regrets his actions and wishes he could go back and do things differently. The relationship wasn't a happy one and he took the cowards exit door. The knock on effect this has had on his relationship with his DC/the time he now has with them breaks his heart and he goes over and above to see them as much as he possibly can. He had extensive counselling to try and gain insight and make whatever changes he felt needed to be made.

In the 1.5 years we have been together he has never caused me so much as a single moment of worry or doubt. He is totally open and transparent. I trust him.

Am I a fool? I truly don't believe that life is as black and white as the MN mantra of "Once a cheat always a cheat" and I know from my own previous long term relationship that monogamy/fidelity can be a tricky path to navigate. I have done things in the past that I now bitterly regret and know I would never do again. Is it not possible that he has also matured and learned from his past as I have? Or is someone automatically a write off as a human being as soon as they have an affair? (I'm not defending affairs at all btw, just genuinely struggling to get my own thoughts/feelings on the subject figured out).

AIBU to believe that someone can fuck up in such a monumental way and learn from the experience and not inevitably do the same thing again?

This is all a bit jumbled, sorry. We're talking about moving in/marriage and I guess there is a tiny voice in the back of my head that says "He did it to his ex he might do it to you". But then again, someone who has never cheated before could also do it to me. You can never ever know what someone is going to do.

Any advice would be very welcome.

I cheated in one relationship and never before or since. That was 13 years ago. I felt sick about it and wouldn't do it again.

People cheat because they're not happy in the relationship. Simple really.

I've been on both sides and I hold no grudge against the ones who cheated on me. It signalled the end of a relationship that we both knew wasn't working.

I cheated on my exH because he was an emotionally abusive narcissistic man child who made me miserable, and when I did it made me realise I could get away, I could hope for more.

Everyone can cheat. It's a choice. But no, it's nonsense to say that because someone cheated in the past they'll do it again. It's entirely about your relationship now. If you're happy and fulfilled it's more unlikely.

I'm sure there are the serial cheaters, the people who probably have issues or just don't care but on the whole it's down to the relationship right now, if they're happy, they probably won't.

I think he deserves a chance. He's been open and honest about his mistakes. Some people cheat once and massively regret it and never do it again. I think it's worth a shot but you have to try and make peace with his past. There is always that chance that it's easier to cheat again once you've done it once but like you said, the next partner you met could cheat too. If you're happy with what you've built so far, your relationship stands as much chance as any other of being a happy one.

However I don't agree with what other posters have said about 'most people being capable of an affair'. I hand on heart know I wouldn't cheat, there's been times when I've wanted to, would have been able to justify it to myself even, but knew it would have been wrong and CHOSE not to do it. People can CHOOSE not to put themselves in positions where they may be tempted. It's called will power and having a strong moral compass (I don't necessarily believe once a cheat always a cheat though, people can decide to be a better person in the future). I also don't believe that all people who cheat are unhappy though of course some are) I've spoken to people (male and female) who admitted cheating just because they could or because they wanted to have sex with someone else 🤷‍♀️ I guess it somewhat depends on your personality and morals.

That just is not true Treacletoots you just have to look at the relationships board to see the myriad of reasons people cheat.

He has baggage.

You'll never get rid of that little voice in your head.

I used to think once a cheat always a cheat but I have changed my viewpoint. My exh cheated on me but he is now settled with a lovely woman who is much better suited to him. He has no desire to fuck up another marriage. I don’t think he would cheat on her - he knows the cost now.

My current dh was cheated on and again, I can’t imagine him cheating. If he didn’t want to be with me, I am pretty sure I would be the first person to be told that by him. But I would never take any relationship for granted - you honestly can’t be 100% sure about any one.

Just enjoy it for what it is, and it does sound good. Don’t rush to live together but you have to allow yourself to have faith if he is showing you he loves you and treats you and your family well. Just retain a little dose of realism and acknowledge any relationship is going to have a small risk. That doesn’t mean you need to be a nun for the rest of your life.

The most likely indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour.

But for me, the details of the affair would be very important. There is a big difference between a brief exit affair and lying to your wife and kids every day for, say, two years.

I'd also consider details like whether he told his wife that he was unhappy in the marriage prior to the affair. With children involved he had a duty to try to put things right before getting to the point where straying was a possibility imo. Did he tell her, discuss ways that they could improve their marriage, suggest counselling? Or just unilaterally decide that it was ok to shag his secretary (or whoever it was)?

I’ve cheated on both of my previous serious boyfriends. I have been with my DP for 10 years and there is no way on earth I would ever cheat on him. When you’re with the right person, you don’t cheat.

I don’t accept once a cheater always a cheater.

Everyone has the potential to cheat. He stayed with the woman, who he had the affair with because of everything he had given up, even though he knew it was doomed. I’d imagine he learnt a lot from that experience. Ie what not to do. I don’t think once a cheat always a cheat.

To be honest. Because he has taken responsibility, had counselling etc I think I would be judging him on who he is now. I knew my dp at 19. He was a wanker (not a cheating wanker) but a wanker all the same.

18 years later a friend of mine told me hee brother was moving back to the area. Lo and behold it's the wanker I knew at 19. Totally different personality, we became friends then got together.

However, what would concern me with your dp, is that he seems unable to end relationships. He didnt end his marriage, he slept with someone else. He knew the relationship with OW wasnt going to work but hung in there until she cheated.

Has he addressed this issue? That he seems to stay in relationships he doesnt want to be in, just because. I would want to be with someone with that woild end the relationship with me, if they werent happy
I dont want anyone to be with me, that wasnt with me because they want to be, they were with me because of mitigating reasons.

He might never do it again but I sure as hell wouldn't risk it or be associated further with anyone who had done that before.

He's been fine with you and all that until now because he is still happy. Give him time to get a bit bored and he might start hunting around or maybe he's super good at hiding it and already is/has... By telling you he's proven he's honest because you might have found out anyway some how, he knows it looks better coming from him... So now you trust him, he can really be doing anything...

Wouldn't be my choice to continue with someone who has admitted that but each to their own. Every new love wants to believe they're different and "he/she would never do that to me because I'm different to his ex..." until they do - same old story.

The idea of throwing that all away to start a search, at 39, for a partner who has never made a mistake seems rather foolhardy to say the least.

This!

I cheated a long time ago, once. I’d never do it again. I’ve also been cheated on....karma lol. So now I know just how bloody awful it is.

His actions and remorse say a lot about him. You could leave him and get with someone who has cheated but not told you.

I think everyone is capable of cheating. There will be people bere who are horrified that suggestion and it's certainly true that serial philanderers exist who will never change but in addition to that, I think there are a whole raft of basically decent people who found themselves in unhappy/stressful situations, where a number of circumstances consipired together and things "just happened".

People who refuse to believe that can be are kidding themselves IMO. Once, I would have been very black and white about cheaters, today with extensive life experience I am prepared to understand that life can be hard and people sometimes make poor decisions which they regret.

i think it sounds like he's learnt from it- the reflection/the counselling/the way he talks about it sounds very sensible.
it might be he has more awareness of his weaknesses than others now.

What has 39 got to do with it? I'm not saying she should dump him or anything but this ageist mentality has got to stop. I'm 49 and single and have left quite a few relationships because of doubts and I'm glad I did. I'm single at the moment and very happy. Bringing age into it is ageist and also defeatist - also a little pointless qs the longer you stay the older you get. If you have doubts and something doesn't feel right then go with your heart don't have your age be a factor.

I cheated. 23 years ago. In an abusive marriage to a bully more than 20 yrs my senior. Trapped with LOs and no life.
The man I cheated with was also in a relationship.
We both left to be with each Other with dire warnings ringing in our ears.
It was a terrible thing to break up two homes.
20 years of strong marriage later, neither of us has cheated again.
We communicate. We are "right" for each other.
We've had all kinds of problems: bereavement, (we lost a child) redundancy, you name it. But neither of us looked outside when things were awful.. Never infidelity.
We both know the cost of the fallout apart from anything else. It wouldn't cross my mind to cheat again.
I've grown and learnt. I'm a different person to that desperate young woman I once was.

“He goes over and above to see them as much as he possibly can”.

How much is that? How many nights a week do the DC stay over at his?

Why do your DC “adore” him after only 1.5 years of dating? That’s not long.

The idea of throwing that all away to start a search, at 39, for a partner who has never made a mistake seems rather foolhardy to say the least.

Im not sure what to make of this ...tbh everyone by that age has baggage of some kind BUT there's different types of baggage ....this makes you sound as if you are willing to ignore something that is troubling you as you don't want to start again .

I've grown and learnt. I'm a different person to that desperate young woman I once was

i think this is what many people go through- and i think its a better more realistic mind-set than the idea that the world is divided into 'cheats and non cheats' - ive known people to cheat but because their mind-set is so 'there are good people and bad people' they denied it even to themselves eg im not a cheat therefore secretely going out for dinner is fine'...

My marriage ended because I had an affair. At least that’s what it says on paper. In reality I lived with a man who emotionally abused me pretty much for the duration of the marriage.

This. Sadly. Think about an affair, what it is, what it means. No one happy does that.

This. Sadly. Think about an affair, what it is, what it means. No one happy does that

oh i dont think thats necessarily true...

How long was the affair?

At what stage of your relationship did he tell you about it?

Being 39 is pertinent here not ageist. It means she’s unlikely to find someone her age who hasn’t been in a previous long term relationship or marriage with children. And if she did we’d be asking why he’d been single to this age.
At 20-25 it’s easy to find a partner without children or an ex spouse. The breakup of such relationships always results in “baggage”.

Thank you all for your input. It's been really valuable.

To answer a few questions, no I'm not saying I'd choose to ignore negative/dodgy behaviour because I just want a man, any man. He hasn't displayed any negative behaviour in the time we've been together, I feel like it's only fair to base my opinion and trust of him on how he has behaved since we've met, not on what he did historically.

I cheated on my ex (although not affair) and am as sure and anyone can be that I'd never ever do it again. I know first hand the hurt and pain that is caused by deceit and lies (having also been cheated on) and would never put someone through that again. I'm older now and definitely wiser. I just want a happy, stable relationship with no drama.

He sees his DC every week, nowhere near as often as he would like to, but his ex-w moved to a new city 50 miles away and moved in with new partner within 6 months of her and DP's split. She then remarried quickly and encourages the DC to call her husband Dad. She hasn't made things easy for DP in that regard but the general consensus might be that DP deserves this as punishment for what he did. Personally, I don't think he does and I would never restrict my kids time with their Dad regardless of what he had done to me (not including serious issues such as abuse etc of course).

The affair lasted a few months and he told me about it right from the start, in one of our early dates.