DP's marriage ended because he had an affair.

[YourLittleVeniceBitch]

We have spoken about it at great length. He has never minimised or made excuses for it. I know how much he regrets his actions and wishes he could go back and do things differently. The relationship wasn't a happy one and he took the cowards exit door. The knock on effect this has had on his relationship with his DC/the time he now has with them breaks his heart and he goes over and above to see them as much as he possibly can. He had extensive counselling to try and gain insight and make whatever changes he felt needed to be made.

In the 1.5 years we have been together he has never caused me so much as a single moment of worry or doubt. He is totally open and transparent. I trust him.

Am I a fool? I truly don't believe that life is as black and white as the MN mantra of "Once a cheat always a cheat" and I know from my own previous long term relationship that monogamy/fidelity can be a tricky path to navigate. I have done things in the past that I now bitterly regret and know I would never do again. Is it not possible that he has also matured and learned from his past as I have? Or is someone automatically a write off as a human being as soon as they have an affair? (I'm not defending affairs at all btw, just genuinely struggling to get my own thoughts/feelings on the subject figured out).

AIBU to believe that someone can fuck up in such a monumental way and learn from the experience and not inevitably do the same thing again?

This is all a bit jumbled, sorry. We're talking about moving in/marriage and I guess there is a tiny voice in the back of my head that says "He did it to his ex he might do it to you". But then again, someone who has never cheated before could also do it to me. You can never ever know what someone is going to do.

Any advice would be very welcome.

If I was told that early it would see me running for the hills!

Well if I was told at any point but the earlier the better obviously, before I was invested.

museumum exactly that. How likely am I to find someone my age who hasn't got "baggage"? And as someone else pointed out, if you go on a date with a stranger they tell you whatever edited version of their life they want to. They could've cheated 40 times before and not tell you before you enter into a relationship with them.

All the facts of the affair have been backed up by DP's family and friends in conversation. I have more than just his word to go on.

I had what a suppose you’d call an exit affair (though I wasn’t married and didn’t have kids, but was cohabiting in a relationship I didn’t know how to leave). My now DH’s then wife also had an affair very much tied up with their relationship needing to end.

As far as I know DH neither blamed his wife for long at all nor has ever worries in the least about me. Neither the ex wife or I were cheating types (in fact his ex was a reserved and generally highly principled person who was a very uncliched candidate) - we were in situations that weren’t working and we took a bad way out. I was in counselling about it all, so I am not trying to minimise. But there are many many ways to be a bad person or partner in life.

Why do you think you’ve not being able to let this one go OP? Is there something about him that your gut is just worrying about?

You have left it a bit late to start seriously considering his past affair...He told you from the very beginning, then was the time to post your concerns and doubts about this. Now he is very entwined in your family life.

His friends and family. Not yours. They'll talk him up to you because they want him to get what he wants. They're hardly going to say "actually he was an abusive shit who drove her mad, then he had the gall to cheat on her and leave", are they?

They also rely on his account to relate to you. They weren't living in the marital home with him. They dont know what this great fella is like as a partner.

Pics Call me deluded but I am disinclined to believe that DP has conspired with his family and friends (one of these friends is also being a friend of mine who I knew before DP) and instructed them to give me an alternative version of the truth. And they agreed to this.

@museumum only judgy people would be asking why people are still single at a certain age. I have never been married, nor do I have children (my choice entirely). If other people have an issue with that it's their problem not mine. Better to be single than unhappy in a relationship and have doubts and worries at the back of your mind. This isnt about whether or not someone has been previously married and has or does not have kids. This is about someone who previously cheated and that is playing on her mind. Let's not confuse the issue.

I wouldn't marry him.

In all likelihood I wouldn't be able to get passed this in my head so he wouldn't be the man for me; but if he is the one for you, I don't think it's a sure thing that he'll repeat it. It's just more likely when things go stale; because he's done it before and psychologically broken that taboo already - and it sounds like he's addressed what he thinks made him do it and he regrets it, so that chance could be back down where it was.

But if we moved in and continued on, I wouldn't marry him. I wouldn't become the next wife; because I'd worry that I'd be filling a role that didn't go well for him before, and I don't think I'd feel any of the excitement or romance - and I definitely wouldn't want to legally tie myself to him through marriage.

I think my worry would be that he's testing the waters by telling you. Seeing what you'll put up with.

Anchor I understand what you mean. Marriage has never been a priority for me, have never been married. To be honest (and maybe selfish) I feel a wee bit reluctant to start merging lives/finances etc when me and my kids have a lovely little house and are very settled. I don't want any upheaval for them (he couldn't move in here as no space for his DC so would mean a new house).

Have been thinking long and hard about the possibility of continuing the relationship in our separate homes and maybe reconsidering further down the line when DC are older. But I think this could be seen as commitment-phobic?

LiveIn It really wasn't like that. I think I brought up the previous relationships conversation because I was being nosey (after a large gin!).

My husband had a one night stand early in our relationship, before we had even slept together. I found out about it and the aftermath was complicated and full of angst. He deeply regretted it and was completely clear in his head and to me that he would never do anything like that again, (but with hindsight he was also full of justifications and excuses). We have had a wonderful marriage and family, with its ups and downs, but very committed.

He travels a lot to the same place, and 30 years later I discovered that he has been leading a couple life, having an affair in the other place for the last 5 years. Now he is trying very hard to take responsibility for his own actions, to face up to the reality of his own choices.

The complexity and reality of what we have been through are impossible for me to explain on here. I just wanted to tell you a simple version of what I have experienced. I do feel that his early actions were a warning which I tried to dismiss for many years, and which successfully acted as a wakeup call to him for many years.

sorry, that should be 'leading a double life'

In view of the high number of threads on the Relationships boards by ladies who would have sworn on their lives that their cheating husbands would never cheat, I wouldn't be writing this one off, OP. It sounds like he deeply regrets it and is no longer in that place - and the fact that he fully owns it without minimising is in his favour too.

It's simple really. You either trust him or you don't.

I agree with PPs who say it's what he's done since then that counts. He clearly realised it was a huge mistake and has taken all the steps he needs to, to come to terms with it and make amends. I'd not rule someone out because of a single mistake they bitterly regret. But if there was a pattern or tendency, I'd steer clear.

When you are in the wrong relationship people do things that perhaps they wouldn't have considered if they were in a good relationship. Just because he had what sounds like an exit affair during a marriage which had run it's course doesn't mean that he will do it again, especially if he is in a new relationship which is stronger. Sometimes it takes something massive like an affair to realise that you need to leave your relationship.

People are fallible and they will make mistakes and they do the wrong thing. Getting through the day without doing one of these is a challenge never mind getting through life without doing something wrong or making mistake.

The extent to which we limit mistakes and wrong doing is defined by things like our moral compass, sense of self preservation and intelligence (emotional and rational). But there are also lots of factors within us and external to us that will compel us to do the wrong thing or make mistakes. Examples on this post describe people having an affair because of the misery of a bad relationship and the need for real love or comfort. We can change things about ourselves and we can change external factors that drive us. Sometimes we can’t do that or don’t want to change. People are capable of change and improvement but aren’t always.

I don’t know you or your DP. I couldn’t tell you if this was a mistake that will never be repeated. You need to be able to make judgements about him to be able to trust him. Good judgement will be based on how much you know about him which increases with time and whether your insight is good and objective. This also increases with time. Give yourself more time to assess this man and this relationship.

If I had to make a judgement about him based on the very little information on the post, it would be that he doesn’t go very long without being in a relationship. I suspect he likes monogamy but that his flaw may be he relationship jumps when the going gets tough or just difficult.

I bet his wife thought the same thing when she married him, how lovely and trusting he was.

Even if he wasn't in love with his wife anymore, by having an affair it shows he didn't even care that his childrens lives were being ripped to shreds. Hardly the actions of a good man.

Sounds as if he was bored of the family life after the kids came along, which is what I'd be worrying about if I were you and was planning to have a family with him sometime.

OP there are plenty of decent single men out there, with out cheating histories nor children with other women for you to have to take on, dont just settle for a lifetime of uncertainty, you know what he is capable of.

eliza I think the humdrum nature of life with young children definitely was a factor for DP.

It certainly was for both myself and my DC's Dad, in why we both ended up looking outside the relationship for attention/validation/fun. We had zero family support where we live and basically once the DC arrived we stopped socialising together and I stopped socialising almost completely due to clingy babies, breastfeeding and not working. This made me resent ExDP and his freedom massively and the knock on effect was that our intimacy just disappeared.

With current DP I don't see this being anywhere near as much of an issue as

1. There will 100% be no more babies.

1. Due to shared residency on both sides we have lots of time alone together and have plenty of weekends away, nice meals out etc. These things are massively important in nurturing a relationship and keeping it fun and interesting imo.

"OP there are plenty of decent single men out there, with out cheating histories nor children with other women for you to have to take on, dont just settle for a lifetime of uncertainty, you know what he is capable of."

Thing is there is no such thing as a "lifetime of certainty" is there, not for anyone. Also it's a bit much to write of anyone who has had children from a previous relationship as having too much baggage/that being a negative thing like the above poster is suggesting. Finding someone who has always been single with no baggage might be ok advice at 20-something, but not many people get to 40 without a good deal of relationship and other history (the poster who was screaming "ageism" earlier - it IS relevant in as far as life experience/baggage goes).

My view is that people sometimes make poor decisions which they regret. His behaviour since and attitude towards the affair would be everything as far as I was concerned. I know people who have had affairs just because the opportunity was there, with little or no regret and it hasn't changed subsequent behaviour in any way. I also know friends and family who have had affairs, deeply regretted them, learned, developed and moved on and are very different people today. It all comes down to whether you believe people are capable of change or not. I'm a recovering addict, so if I didn't believe in rehabilitation and people's ability to reform and improve then frankly I might as well lob myself off a cliff right now. I very much believe in people's ability to work on and improve themselves. I think you've got to be so jaded by life if you (not "you" OP - but anyone) don't believe that people can have the capacity to change or improve.

Of course it's not "once a cheat always a cheat". There are many successful and faithful marriages that started as affairs. There are many that also don't last, and leave the parties feeling that maybe they might behave differently in future. People make mistakes in life and they learn from them. To suggest that such a thing is not possible is like suggesting that because someone was caught shoplifting at 15, they will be a professional thief forever.

However, I am much, much less sanguine about the possibilities of a monogamous relationship with a serial cheater. I think some people are just incapable of fidelity.

IMO a truly committed father would relocate to work and live close to his DC, and pursue overnight access every week through the courts.

If someone cheats once, it was probably a problem with that relationship. If they do it more than once, it's usually a problem with them. That's my belief. He's owned his previous mistake and has tried to learn from it. That would mean a lot to me. You say you trust him, so go with your gut. Anyone could cheat on you. Life's a risk. You just have to decide whether he's a risk worth taking. The way you defend him and stand up for him, I think you've already decided 😊 Good luck!