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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm ashamed of my adult DS!!!

137 replies

tumblelord · 15/09/2019 16:25

My son is 38 and still lives at home with me and DH. He has DS5 and DD2 who he doesn't see despite spending 14k on legal fees to go through the courts. He works as a self-employed gardener so sometimes works 3-4 days a week and sometimes had no work for few weeks. He does give me a bit of board money but only a small amount because legal fees take a lot of his money. He flits from one girl to another after splitting up with his kids mum 3 years ago. I'm petrified of having another grandchild that I don't see.

He does have some good points. He buys his own food and pays his own personal bills. He is very popular and has lots of friends. He doesn't drink or take drugs so that isn't the cause of his behaviour. He can be very helpful with things around the house. He does all of the DIY and gardening and looks after the animals. He had a really hard time during court proceedings and his ex made up a lot of allegations but he stays positive about seeing his kids in the future.

I recently caught up with an old friend and I was ashamed when we were talking about our families. What can I do?

OP posts:

HeadintheiClouds · 15/09/2019 16:29

What specifically is a source of shame?

Musti · 15/09/2019 16:29

Why doesn't he see his children? If it is his choice not to see them, that would be my only worry. Everything else about him sounds fine.

WifOfBif · 15/09/2019 16:30

So he helps around the house, doesn’t drink or take drugs, is trying to remain positive despite not being able to see his kids, has pursued access through the courts, has been subjected to lies and allegations from his ex and spends most of his money on fighting for his kids....?

Tell me again why you’re ashamed?

Fleetheart · 15/09/2019 16:30

Are you ashamed because he hasn’t got a lot of money? Do you want him to leave?

Fairylea · 15/09/2019 16:31

What are the allegations his ex “made up”? He hardly sounds like catch of the year and 14k on legal fees and still no access makes me wonder what the backstory is...

If you don’t mind having him at home there’s not much you can do. You’d be well within your rights to tell him to move out though. He’s just coasting and it might be the kick he needs.

Original poster

tumblelord · 15/09/2019 16:31

I didn't expect him to still he at home at 38, without a proper job or steady income and kids that he isn't allowed to see.

OP posts:

Original poster

tumblelord · 15/09/2019 16:32

His ex said that he was violent to her and the eldest. He's never been allowed to see the youngest.

OP posts:

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 15/09/2019 16:36

His ex said that he was violent to her and the eldest. He's never been allowed to see the youngest.

Perhaps you need to take the rose coloured glasses off, other people will see that statement for what it really says about your son. I wonder if actually you don't want that bubble burst

Fairylea · 15/09/2019 16:40

I suspected that would be the case. For them to take such a hardline approach I suspect there must have been a lot of evidence against him. Most women in that situation still end up with the kids having supervised contact.

Original poster

tumblelord · 15/09/2019 16:41

The reason I haven't believed the allegations is because my son is still going to court and I don't know why he would do that if it was true. He returns home from court hearings so upset and disappointed at not being able to see them.

OP posts:

iklboo · 15/09/2019 16:42

His ex said that he was violent to her and the eldest. He's never been allowed to see the youngest.

I'd be more ashamed of that than living at home with you and having a low paid job.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 15/09/2019 16:45

I don't know why he would do that if it was true.

Control. Punish the ex, keep them nervous and a state of tension. Trying to keep you sweet.

Seriously the evidence must be stacked against him if he hasn't even got supervised access by now.

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 15/09/2019 16:47

Have you ever read the court documents or attended as a "Mackenzie's friend"

Original poster

tumblelord · 15/09/2019 16:48

He has had supervised access before but his ex said that he was using that time to abuse her so it stopped.

OP posts:

WizardOfAus · 15/09/2019 16:49

Original poster

tumblelord · 15/09/2019 16:49

@VolcanionSteamArtillery DH tried to once but ex refused to allow him in.

OP posts:

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 15/09/2019 16:51

What are you looking to achieve from this post?

I dont think anyone can tell you what a great guy your son is. If you love him you love him. That needs to be enough.

Original poster

tumblelord · 15/09/2019 16:52

I don't want to hear the he's great. I wanted advice on how to get him out of the rut that he seems to be in.

OP posts:

VolcanionSteamArtillery · 15/09/2019 16:54

How do you even know it was the ex that didnt allow him in? Even if it was the ex i can understand why.
sigh

Beautiful3 · 15/09/2019 16:55

He was violent to his ex and his eldest child?! I would be embarrassed too.

PirateWeasel · 15/09/2019 16:56

So the final decision as to custody and access rights is still going through the courts? If your son is genuinely innocent of the allegations then I wouldn't give up hope yet. My cousin's wife was a complete lying loony who made up every story you can imagine about him. It does happen. But are you sure you know the whole story?

Islandermum · 15/09/2019 16:59

As a domestic abuse professional, I can confirm that the more violent the perpetrator, the more likely they are to continue to perpetuate the abuse by subjecting the family to ongoing legal proceedings. Do not be fooled. I would be very open about understanding his ex partners perspective.

Most abusive fathers that I have witnessed end up with some form of contact. I am shocked that your ds doesn't have contact. The proof and allegations must be quite startling.

Source: I attend court several times weekly r.e. domestic abuse and child contact.

That is the source of shame you should have.

Islandermum · 15/09/2019 17:00

Apologies for my stance but I have never ever once witnessed someone who I believe the allegations are exaggerated about not get contact.

It is usually obvious to domestic abuse professionals to be honest...

Islandermum · 15/09/2019 17:04

Advice: tell him to sort himself out and get a full time job and find a house. Only when he is in a stable position in his life, then he can go back to court for visitation. I would be VERY strict about this.

For him to harm his child and the mother of his children is an absolute disgrace and he deserves to feel that things are hard for him at this moment. He does need help and support and you can offer that, but not unless he starts acting like an adult!

minesagin37 · 15/09/2019 17:04

You just said you're ashamed. What can I do? So some people rightly asked what aspect you are ashamed of. Since you then drip fed they suggested perhaps you are ashamed because he appears abusive ( that's clearly the allegation).

To other mumsnetters this appears a much bigger issue than his gardening job or being 38 and living at home. So I concur that you should wake up, go and speak to his X and depending upon your findings either support him to find his own place or kick his sorry but out of your house.

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