I'm ashamed of my adult DS!!!

[tumblelord]

My son is 38 and still lives at home with me and DH. He has DS5 and DD2 who he doesn't see despite spending 14k on legal fees to go through the courts. He works as a self-employed gardener so sometimes works 3-4 days a week and sometimes had no work for few weeks. He does give me a bit of board money but only a small amount because legal fees take a lot of his money. He flits from one girl to another after splitting up with his kids mum 3 years ago. I'm petrified of having another grandchild that I don't see.

He does have some good points. He buys his own food and pays his own personal bills. He is very popular and has lots of friends. He doesn't drink or take drugs so that isn't the cause of his behaviour. He can be very helpful with things around the house. He does all of the DIY and gardening and looks after the animals. He had a really hard time during court proceedings and his ex made up a lot of allegations but he stays positive about seeing his kids in the future.

I recently caught up with an old friend and I was ashamed when we were talking about our families. What can I do?

You should be ashamed of your son OP. He is a disgusting excuse for a human being.

Why have u got 2 threads going

"She tried to talk to me a long time ago but I didn't believe her. When I tried to talk to her again she said she'd talk to me as long as I answered "Why do you enable this behaviour?" and I didn't have an answer"

You should be ashamed of yourself.

It is not too late OP to be a better parent. He is disgraceful. His 'self employed' status is to avoid maintenance.

And you are colluding with this. You are disgraceful.

Please find your spine OP and set some expectations:

1. He needs to leave your home. Stop enabling and subsidising his abusive behaviour.

1. Tell him to man up and become a better man, husband and father.

1. Contact your DIL and APOLOGISE. Apologise for not believing her.

1. Take her criticism and her upset and her disappointment on the chin. You deserve her upset. You believed and have colluded with your spoiled nasty little darling and YOU LET HER DOWN.

1. Reject your son until he steps up, and try to develop a relationship with your grandchildren. Apologise again.

Did you post before op? Not the second thread you've got going now, but about how this woman told you about your son, and the abuse and you basically were horrible to her and wanted her to stop with her shit and didn't want to see the grand kids or something?

And everyone told you how badly you were behaving, believing your waster of a son? This sounds really familiar.

OP i feel sorry for you, no one looks at their baby boy and hopes one day he grows up to be a domestic violence perpetrator.

He is what he is and only he can choose to change.

As for what to do with him... you are not in an enviable position! I am concerned with the idea he might be playing games with you to. There's a good book called "Why did he do that" by Lundy Bancroft it might be worth a read and help you with a new perspective about your son.

Your son is a loser. You've enabled his behaviour 100%. And blindly believing him over his poor ex partner..... You've been taken for an absolute mug. It is his ex that has my sympathy.

The reason I haven't believed the allegations is because my son is still going to court and I don't know why he would do that if it was true. He returns home from court hearings so upset and disappointed at not being able to see them

A friend of mine was married to someone like this. His mother and all his friends think he's a nice, mild-mannered man, whose ex-wife is vindictive and turning his children against him.

I've seen the bruises & damage from when he tried to kill her.

He's still trying to have access to his children through the courts.

This kind of minimising and not holding perpetrators of abuse responsible is exactly why he's got away with it.
Glad the courts have seen thru his bullshit and hope his ex is able to rebuild her life and a happy future away from your horrible son.
Nothing on this earth would make me more ashamed!

I think you can answer the ex's question about why and how you've enabled your son's behaviour now. You owe her apologies.

Glad the courts have seen thru his bullshit and hope his ex is able to rebuild her life and a happy future away from your horrible son.

He got unsupervised contract with his son His dd is protected but his son is only protected while he refuses contact.

He's violent, abusive, controlling, threatening ... and a liar. Not 'unpleasant'.

kick him out. Stop enabling him. And tell him to start financially supporting the children he's helped bring into the world without expectation of seeing them. He abused their mother He owes them this.

His response will tell you everything you need to know about your son.

Grovelling apology to your exDil probably wouldn't hurt