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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No relationship for years and no children. I’m in a hole. Was this ever you?

127 replies

Dustingdown · 12/09/2019 21:26

I’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do to find someone and I have no problem getting dates and meeting people who want to see me again. I’ve just never met someone I feel for and want to progress with.

It’s now at the point where I have accepted this is unlikely to ever happen for me. I’m not even sad anymore, just totally empty. I know I don’t want to live like this always and I would prefer to not be around than to grow old with my life like this.

I do all the reccomended things to meet someone and so I am not looking for suggestions or advice on that but suggestions as to how to go on with my life as it is when I am totally empty. I have a lot of hobbies, see friends, my calendar is full. But it will never be enough and it never was enough. How do I deal with this?

OP posts:
HLJM04 · 12/09/2019 21:30

How old are you?

Lumene · 12/09/2019 21:32

What is it that you feel is missing - what do you believe a relationship/children would bring you?

bluebell34567 · 12/09/2019 21:34

what is missing? would you like to have a donor baby or adoption?

Workingmum8 · 12/09/2019 21:35

How old are you and do you want children?

Have you really taken the time to get to know them? Love doesn’t always have to be head over heels, it grows over time. If you want children could you settle down with someone who you care about and has the same interests and aspirations as you? I know a lot of people who have done this and they are happy.

Original poster
Dustingdown · 12/09/2019 21:37

I have been in relationships in the past in my twenties, long term ones. I want a family (not by choice on my own). I love providing a home and taking care of my friends children. I want to do all those homely things like cook and make a home nice. I have a high pressured job but deep down my real desire is to run a house for a family.

There is nothing that will replace and i am sure people will say having children is hard and so on but I still wanted that very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dustingdown · 12/09/2019 21:38

Yes I have done all the suggested things by friends and family including waiting it out a bit to see if feelings develop. It just hasn’t happened and i have sort of accepted it won’t but now I’m faced with how to keep going when this just isn’t the life I ever wanted.

There is someone who would happily settle down with me but I know I will never love him so what’s the point in that.

OP posts:
expatinspain · 12/09/2019 21:41

I know you say you wouldn't want to bring a child up alone by choice, but if you really want a child it's worth thinking about. So many people either don't have a good relationship or end up splitting up with their partners and doing it alone anyway. There are no guarantees. If a child is important to you, then I would look into options. Relationship often don't last a lifetime, but a bond with your child will.

Original poster
Dustingdown · 12/09/2019 22:06

I don’t want to do that by choice. I would rather have had the opportunity to have a marriage that ended up not working out, then no marriage at all.

OP posts:
leomama81 · 12/09/2019 22:13

How old are you OP? One thing I will say is that I got married (briefly) and it didn't work out, partly because I realized although I wanted kids I didn't want to with him.

Now I'm doing it on my own and I really couldn't be happier! It is clear to me now that so much of me seeking a relationship was about having a child. Yes it will be different on my own, but I think it will be so much better than being tied to someone for life who I don't want to be.

If you really want this, it is worth considering. And you could always meet the right man afterwards, when there is no pressure of time.

ALoadOfTwaddle · 12/09/2019 22:23

Controversial, but have you tried just lowering your expectations a bit, op? The media teaches us that it should be an all encompassing totally mind;blowing feeling to be with someone but it isn't for a lot of people. Have you tried just looking for someone who is a good long-term prospect? As long as you're compatible in things like politics and priorities it doesn't have to be love at first sight.

Think of arranged marriages- many are very successful, despite starting from nothing but other people thinking they'd work well on paper.

Original poster
Dustingdown · 12/09/2019 22:27

I hadn’t lowered my standards as I was hoping for that real spark. Even though I don’t actually believe in the one, I hoped I would FEEL I had met the one at some point!

I could lower my standards. It is children I want most but wouldn’t ever want to do it alone and I would love a happy marriage, I have never had the chance to be a wife or experience marriage and it is something that’s important to me. I honestly can’t imagjne anyone proposing to me in a million years let alone another 6

OP posts:
SpanishTiles · 12/09/2019 22:31

How old are you though OP? This is definitely relevant x

Gollyfot · 12/09/2019 22:36

How old r u

Xmasbaby11 · 12/09/2019 22:37

I felt like that in my twenties. No real relationships whatsoever. Enjoyed my work, travel, great friends but quite lonely. I can remember that feeling of just not knowing if it would happen and should you give up hope. Met my Dh at 30 through online dating and we have 2dc - a happy ending for me.

Aus84 · 12/09/2019 22:47

The 'spark' you're talking about isn't always there at the beginning. A lot of the time real love takes time to grow. I've been with DH for 16 years. Sometimes I will just look over at him working on his car or cooking dinner for me and feel that rush of love and contentment. Forget everything you have read about in books or seen on a movie and get to know someone. At the very least, if it doesn't work out, you might make a great friend or he could have a brother/cousin/friend who is your 'one'.

fokouembiyemassj · 12/09/2019 22:50

As a single parent not by choice I don't blame you for not wanting to have a child on your own. It's so much hard work and I wouldn't wish it on anyone .
It is worth it to wait for a suitable partner to build a family life together. All the best

Original poster
Dustingdown · 12/09/2019 22:50

I’m 34 (35 this year). No spring chicken. Last relationship ended age 31.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 12/09/2019 22:53

Have you ever been in love OP?

Original poster
Dustingdown · 12/09/2019 23:00

I think so yes, twice. Obviously things look different when you look back. I was certainly committed in the past and could see a future with my partner.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dustingdown · 12/09/2019 23:01

Why do you ask?

Or are you just asking Grin

OP posts:
justasking111 · 12/09/2019 23:10

Wondering if you have a problem with commitment or whether you have been badly burned in the past. We are shaped by our experiences. The more mature we become the harder it is to let go. Sometimes it can be to do with our upbringing, or a bad relationship. Some people live in hope, others recall the downsides too well.

Scott72 · 13/09/2019 01:51

"I love providing a home and taking care of my friends children." Does this mean you want to be a SAHM? Or at least work just a few hours a week? Of course the reality of that is not as rosy as it might seem, apparently. Your expectations seem a bit high. You want a man who will marry, commit to children, who you fall deeply in love with shortly after meeting, and who earns enough to comfortably allow you to live as a SAHM, or close to it?

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 13/09/2019 02:20

I would seek counselling, your thoughts are bordering on suicidal, I imagine you have very low self esteem too. You need to learn how to love yourself and fill your life with people and activities that you enjoy being around. Have you got anything you have ever fancied trying but you have held back from due to lack of confidence? Perhaps an amateur drama/ theatre group? Dance classes? Fitness classes? Music lessons? Do you go to church/ church groups? Things that will make you feel better in yourself but will also offer you an opportunity to meet others with similar interests.

It’s not easy, so much dating starts out on the likes of tinder these days. But it’s not that likely to meet someone who seeks marriage on tinder. Although many couples do meet on tinder and end up married.

Is there part of you that has this idealised vision of your future husband only for the men you meet never to measure up to that vision?

AgentJohnson · 13/09/2019 06:55

This isn’t your first, second or third post about this, is it?

It’s ok if you want to wallow but wallowing won’t get you closer to your supposed goal of acceptance.

Original poster
Dustingdown · 13/09/2019 07:39

I don’t think I do have low self esteem but could be wrong.

I have done everything I wanted in life! All the classes and holidays. It’s easy for people to say I need to find other fulfilment. To me, my life will never feel fulfilled without a husband and family. That’s not because of low self esteem. I have a nice life but it is totally empty with nobody to share it with

OP posts: