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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No relationship for years and no children. I’m in a hole. Was this ever you?

127 replies

Dustingdown · 12/09/2019 21:26

I’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do to find someone and I have no problem getting dates and meeting people who want to see me again. I’ve just never met someone I feel for and want to progress with.

It’s now at the point where I have accepted this is unlikely to ever happen for me. I’m not even sad anymore, just totally empty. I know I don’t want to live like this always and I would prefer to not be around than to grow old with my life like this.

I do all the reccomended things to meet someone and so I am not looking for suggestions or advice on that but suggestions as to how to go on with my life as it is when I am totally empty. I have a lot of hobbies, see friends, my calendar is full. But it will never be enough and it never was enough. How do I deal with this?

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 13/09/2019 21:35

*while enjoying yourself

GilbertMarkham · 13/09/2019 21:38

No offence but you're very pessimistic; do you think you are depressed. If so,bid take a break from dating and concentrate on solving that for a bit, it's v hard to date/seek a partner when you're depressed.

If you do as much socially and sport wise as you can to help with that, you will be still building a social network for later potential dating.

Watchingthyme · 13/09/2019 21:44

@GilbertMarkham
I’ve tried. I’ve tried a lot. I facilitated any move. All help. I’ll go to the police with back up.
She doesn’t want any of it. She’s just not there yet. I just sit back and feel sad and hope that one day she’ll see the wood for the trees. But I highly doubt it.
They’re rich. Very rich.

RhubarbTea · 13/09/2019 21:48

I've read all your threads which are much the same as this one, as you seem stuck in a mental rut somehow and as others have said, sound quite depressed. I think this may be the real issue, but it's so hard to judge over the internet and advise without meeting you as to why you may be struggling to connect with people, fancy them and fall in love.

But I will say the person you mention who is deeply patronising doesn't sound nice or kind at all. I'm been with an 'always right' patronising person and, well - never again! Do value yourself highly.

Fifteenthnamechange · 13/09/2019 21:49

Yep 6 years single, now have 2 DC & a DH. Keep the faith

Original poster

Dustingdown · 13/09/2019 21:55

I know deep down I shouldn’t get involved with him again (we dated briefly a couple of years back). I don’t have a problem going on dates but I never feel a thing. Some people say it’s down to luck and others say I need therapy. I feel I would be very into a relationship if I had any feelings there, but how can you force them

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 13/09/2019 22:13

@Watchingthyme

Gosh, what a demonstration of "money isn't everything".

Do you think she'd read Lundy Bancroft or even just the abuser profiles part from it, it resonates with most women.

GilbertMarkham · 13/09/2019 22:13

Have you ever had them for someone?

Original poster

Dustingdown · 13/09/2019 22:15

Yes at least 5 times, twice seriously and in long term relationships

OP posts:

ALoadOfTwaddle · 13/09/2019 23:30

Go to a GP about how you're feeling, op. I agree with pp- you sound depressed.

Mellowyellowjello · 14/09/2019 08:16

I think you've posted a few times before, and I think what you need now is a bit of tough love. It's OK to mourn and feel sorry for yourself, but at some point you need to pick yourself up and move on.

So many people in this world are living lives they never wanted or wished for. You might meet the one, be happy, get married and he dies! Or you might be happy, try for a baby and he cheats and breaks your marriage! What about you find your one, you get married, you're happy, have a baby but the baby is ill, severely disabled, dies? I know a couple who have 3 disabled children with varying issues! It's so hard on them! They all need so much care and they will never be independent.
What about you have your perfect life, husband and children, but the stress of parenthood (it is stressful!) reveals sides to you both that you didn't know existed. Maybe he starts drinking and you find yourself being married to an alcoholic, or you find yourself depressed and unable to cope and can't take care of your own children. What if one if you looses their job, and you are struggling with money every day.

I'm just saying we can't really choose the lives we end up with. Right now you have to accept that it doesn't look like you're going to have the one you wanted and move on. Seriously! That's the only way. Don't use the word Never though, because in reality we are not in control and don't know what lies ahead.

Original poster

Dustingdown · 14/09/2019 08:36

Yes you are right I do need to accept it and move on. The things you list are so true and I think in the media and online you mostly see a picture perfect family. I agree wallowing won’t help. It is hard not to feel lonely even though my life is so full. Me not having a family is just one thing in life that can be hard, I do know that. Tough love is sometimes needed :)

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 08:51

Yes at least 5 times, twice seriously and in long term relationships

Well that's great - that means it can happen and will happen again. It's a numbers game.

Shalom23 · 14/09/2019 09:09

The idea of a life trajectory of having a husband and children places such pressure on women. Yes it happens to mist people but not all. If it's really what you want, women I know have deliberately got pregnant ( stopped taking pill, lied about contraception) they all seem happy now. I personally am single at 50 and live my life. Choose to be childless but did have those feelings at around your age. So I felt I owed it to myself to explore all revenues. My longest time partner died when I was 34. So I did and adoption and fostering course. I dated a lot,which was generally awful, did not met one man who had a decent job house etc all if which I had through my own work. I stopped it all at forty. Now with hindsight I think I was just lonely. In an animal comfort way. I wanted a warm body to hug and cuddle but it got all muddled up in the IDEA of the husband/family. Am now very very content with a cat and an ex good friend who provides the hugs. It's a difficult time for women OP.

Original poster

Dustingdown · 14/09/2019 09:40

Thanks Shalom.

Although this is yet to happen to me, a friend has been ditched after dates before because she’s ‘too old’ for a baby! A man actually said to her that she couldn’t realistically be looking for a husband in him as he was still young enough for a family. He then invited her back to his for ‘some fun.’

OP posts:

Mellowyellowjello · 14/09/2019 10:07

@Dustingdown I know it's hard. You're within your rights to feel lonely and sad.

But the pictures in the media and online are mostly there to sell us something. An idea, a product, TV show, publication etc.. I do believe some very very lucky people do have those ideal lives but the majority of us don't. We all just have to deal with what we're given.

I'm married, but my wedding was a huge disappointment, marriage has been full of issues I didn't see coming and we have a child born with birth defects. Plus our own parents ie. kids' grandparents are not the ones to give us support or have time with their grandchildren. They are the ones who now need looking after by us due to their own bad life management skills!

So it's the same for all of us. We have to count our blessings here and now and move past the things we can't control and just muddle along. My biggest hope at the moment is that no more big tragedies (death, illness, cheating, accidents) are going to happen in my family in the next few years to get some time to recover and gather strength

bluebell34567 · 14/09/2019 10:49

and there are many unhappy marriages where partners feel so alone.

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 13:19

There are idiots everywhere, you have to sort the wheat from the chaff wherever you go.

There have been numerous threads around fertility on mn and I have been quite viriolically told that i am "embarrassing myself" and talking shit when I said that most women's fertility remained fine until 40, and some beyond.

When I posted a link to the NHS fertility page showing that they quote a figure of 90% of women under 40 falling pregnant within 2 yes of trying .. there was no response.

And in general I find men to be much more ignorant than women. I've heard men describe Kate Middleton as old to be having children, I've seen men wrote they believe the menopause is at 35/ late 30s. When I told him the average age of menopause (though perimenopause may start before then obviously) is around 50, he was non plussed. Men remain self congratulatory smug about their fertility continuing unaffected til 80s - yet somehow don't know that fertility clinics in the US& UK won't take sperm from men over 39/40. They don't know conception, miscarriage and abnormalities are affected by male age too. It suits them not to know.

In other words, I wouldn't put any stick in what a silly man says.

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 13:20

*any stock

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 13:21

*vitriolically

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 13:31

I also always notice that the men who think women should be having kids in their 20s and are past it to have them if they don't .. are the same ones who wouldn't have kids themselves in their 20s; so their attitude is "have your kids in your 20s darlin, but not with me - some other suckers can settle down and be fathers in their 20s. They're also the ones who put down single mums (whether separated/divorced or whatever) and often don't see them as potential serious partners .. so again "have you kids in your 20s, but if you do and end up single, fk off I'm not being step daddy to beats that aren't mine".

This should tell you everything you need to know about this type of men.

GilbertMarkham · 14/09/2019 13:32

*brats

TripleChocs · 14/09/2019 13:32

You still have time OP.

I agree with PP to freeze your eggs (less worry on that bit) then go do something amazing to take your mind off how you are feeling. The world is your oyster, things usually happen when you least expect them. All the best.

Loopytiles · 14/09/2019 13:37

Given your age, ttc alone could be a good option, even though doing this was not your first choice.

You say you dream of running a home for a family. Most mothers work out of the home, eg to retain financial independence and earning power, and many men don’t want to be sole earner. So the chances are that the domestic work would be in addition to your job and parenting. No picnic, even with a partner who shares it, which many men won’t.

Loopytiles · 14/09/2019 13:38

Egg freezing has quite low odds.

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